Page 10 of Catalyst
“Sort of is, bro.” Nolan grins.
I roll my eyes and step away from the island. “Whatever. I’m out. You guys are on your own to find a way home.” I’m not going to stand here and listen to them make fun of me for being myself. I have a job to do, and if I’m going to do it well, then I need my staff to be on the same page as me. It also gives me a lot of pleasure knowing my brothers will have to ride with Mom and Dad to get back to Westlake.
I slam Sara’s front door in anger, practically stomping to my car with a heap of pent-up emotions. I need a stiff drink and a punishing workout if I have any hope of getting rid of the overwhelming feeling inside me. I hate when my emotions get out of control. It’s like I’m a tightrope walker about to fall off the line. If I can’t pull myself together, I’m going to plummet to the ground in a heap of brokenness I won’t be able to come back from.
The passenger door of my car opens before I can start the engine. Matthew throws himself into the front seat, and I squeeze my steering wheel to keep from yelling at him to get out. “Now is not the time,” I say, doing my best to keep my tone neutral.
“I beg to differ.”
I sit there seething, angry that my brother won’t let me stew in solitude. I could’ve rationalized my emotions if I was by myself. Instead, I have to keep a tight lid on everything boiling inside me.
“Tell me what’s really going on, Adam.” Matthew’s soft voice has all the tension draining from my body.
“There’s a good chance I’ve lost my mind.”
Matthew laughs.
“There’s nothing funny about it. I don’t know what’s going on with me.”
“You’re finally cracking under the pressure you’ve placed on yourself, brother. It was only a matter of time. You’ve actually held it together longer than I thought you would.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Adam, for the past ten years, you’ve been working nonstop. It’s like you can’t accept that Sidelines has moved beyond the little store we started on Main Street. Do you realize that if you stopped working today, Sidelines would still make money for the rest of your life?”
“Great, so now I’m obsolete. Glad to know I’m not useful anymore.”
“Oh, fuck off. This pity party you’re having is beneath you.”
I cringe at Matthew’s harsh words. He’s right. This pity partyisbeneath me.
“What I’m saying is working twelve-hour days isn’t necessary anymore. You don’t have to keep burning the midnight oil to keep the company running. In fact, I bet the company would flourish even more if you slowed down and reminded yourself why you do this in the first place.”
The silence in the car is deafening as I think about what Matthew said. Is he right? Am I in the middle of a breakdown because I’m burned out? Probably. The weight of leading this company has started to feel like concrete around my ankles. One wrong step and my body is going to sink to the bottom of the ocean.
“I hear what you’re saying. I swear. It might take me some time to figure out what slowing down looks like, but I’ll do my best.”
Matthew nods, accepting my answer as the truth. He knows me well enough to know I never go back on my word. If I say something, I mean it.
After another beat of silence, Matthew speaks again. “Tell me what’s going on with Ellie.”
I should’ve known he’d circle back to Ellie. It’s what prompted this whole tantrum in the first place. My explanation about her sticky notes feels lackluster, but it’s all I’ve got.
I open my mouth to speak when Matthew stops me. “Do not tell me her sticky notes are driving you crazy. I understand your overall need to take your job seriously, but she doesn’t deserve to be fired over trying to cheer you up and you know it.”
My lips snap closed. He’s effectively taken the wind out of my sails. Who knew Matthew was going to be the one with all the insight tonight?
“Oh, holy fuck!” Matthew gasps, his palm smacking into his forehead. “How did I not see it before? You want to fuck her brains out, don’t you?”
“There’s no reason to get vulgar,” I say dryly, not bothering to acknowledge the accuracy of his statement.
“I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe I didn’t catch on immediately.”
“It’s not like that.” I try to play it off.
Matthew looks at me like he knows I’m full of shit.
“Okay, it’s a little like that. She’s completely distracting. I can’t focus on any of the things I need to get done because I’m too busy wondering what she’s doing or waiting to hear her laugh. I feel ridiculous. Iamridiculous.”
