Page 11 of Dear Creed
“Please.” I nod because my mouth is dry as dust, and he grabs us each one from his minifridge.
After he passes me one, he walks over to his bed and sits on the mattress before gesturing toward a computer chair pushed up to the desk. “Have a seat.”
CHAPTERSEVEN
CREED
Warily,I lean forward, elbows on my knees, with my gaze fastened on Jake who’s staring back. The longer he silently watches me, the more uneasy I get about why he’s here. I have an idea, of course, but I want to hear it from him. He seems in no hurry to fill me in. Finally, I ask, “Do you want me to apologize for showing up at your work?”
He sighs in clear exasperation as if I should know exactly why he showed up at my room. “I don’t want you to apologize, Creed. I want you to explain. First, you happen to be in the quad at the same time I pass through there, then you show up at the party and proceed to follow me home—”
“To make sure you got there safely,” I interrupt because that part I won’t apologize for, even if he demands it.
“Whatever.” He rolls his eyes. “And then you show up at my job. I don’t see you hardly at all for a year, and then suddenly you’re everywhere. I thought maybe it was coincidence at first. It was strange, but possible. But then earlier, you said you knew I worked at the store, so now I’m questioning every time I’ve seen you recently. This isn’t coincidence, is it?”
I was out of time to figure things out. Maybe I already had figured things out and that’s why I’d set the whole thing into motion. Why else would I continue to put myself in his path? It’s time to put up or shut up. At the very least, I owe him the truth, and then Jake can do with that information as he chooses. Even if one of the possibilities is that he could potentially cut all ties permanently. He deserves a choice after he has all the facts.
I lift one hand and run it through my hair repeatedly as I consider how to even start telling him everything. Finally, I swallow hard and blow out a shaky breath. It’s now or never, and judging by the determined set of Jake’s jaw, the only option isnow.
Jake studies me closely, “Don’t even think about lying to me either. I want the truth.”
“I won’t.” I wince. “Well, I won’t lie…again. My earbuds aren’t broken.”
He groans and leans back in the chair, folding his arms over his chest. “Not one part of me is shocked. I think I’ve lost the ability to be surprised at this point. Just tell me what’s going on. What’s honestly happening here.”
“That day we saw each other at the quad…” I start hesitantly and decide there’s no turning back now. “You’re right. I was there on purpose. Left to our usual routine, we’d never cross paths, and I was tired of it. I didn’t have a plan really. I just wanted to see you.”
Jake freezes at the admission. There’s no reaction from him. Not a single muscle twitches anywhere on his face.
When it becomes clear he’s waiting for me to continue and has no intention of responding to that revelation, I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans. “I don’t know how to do this other than just tell you the truth. The whole truth,” I amend. “I came to your job with a made-up story about the earbuds to see you again. I wasn’t positive you’d be at that party, but I knew there was a good chance, and that was reason enough to put myself there.”
“Why?” he asks with no emotion in his tone. I can’t tell if he’s disguising how he really feels, or if he is simply unmoved and only here for an explanation.
So far, the admissions I’ve made are trivial compared to what I haven’t told him yet. And if I’m being totally honest with myself, I’m scared shitless.
“That day I read your journal…” My voice shakes, and I pause to clear my throat and possibly gather some damn composure. I start again. “That day I read your journal… What you wrote wasn’t one-sided.”
His eyebrows crash together as he frowns. “What are you talking about?”
Fuck, this is hard. I push through the doubt creeping into my mind, and force the words through my lips. “I might not have given voice to it, or written down my feelings the way you did…but the thoughts were there.”
Now, Jake just appears confused.I’m screwing this up.
I wrack my brain to find the right words to clarify what had happened that day, and what’s been happening every day since I turned my back on our friendship. I blow out a harsh breath. “When I read your journal, it was like you’d taken a peek into my thoughts and put them on the page, making them real. It was too much for me to process, and I made a bad call when I decided to walk away instead of being honest and talking to you about how I was feeling.”
Jake looks as though he’s had his breath knocked out of him, with his mouth slightly parted and staring at me in complete bewilderment.
“Say something,” I urge because I’m not sure I’ve ever been this nervous in my life. I’ve definitely never put myself in this vulnerable a position.
Jake blinks a few times before slightly shaking his head. “But you acted like I’d betrayed you in some way. Now you’re saying you felt the same way?” His forehead creases when he frowns. “What the fuck, Creed? You could have told me. You could have talked to me about anything back then, and you know it.”
I shrug because some of what I’d been feeling is hard to explain. Jake seemed so sure that he was gay back then, where I was still questioning my sexuality, or at the very least having trouble accepting it. But I am who I am. I’m bisexual. I’m attracted to both women and men, with Jake at the top of the two lists combined. After so much wasted time and leaving him believing I’d bailed because of how he was feeling, I do my best to explain myself.
Nodding, I sigh. “I know. The first time I saw you as something other than a platonic best friend was freshman year of high school.”
“Creed!” Jake stands up from his chair so fast it nearly knocks the thing over. He begins pacing the small room, scowling at me while his nostrils flare. “Freshman year. Ofhigh school. Are you fucking serious right now?”
“I know. I’m an asshole.” I can only imagine how he’s feeling. After years of indecisive waffling, I’m just tired of running from my heart. I’m tired of running from Jake. “At first, I brushed it off as normal curiosity, or I tried to. But when I realized you were having the same thoughts… Well, I freaked out because I was still struggling to accept that I’m bisexual. I didn’t know what to do. So, I ran and did my best to pretend none of it had ever happened.”
