“Ham, like you Americans say,” Jaime explained with a terrible Southern accent.
A smile crossed my lips and I took a bite. “I love hang and cheese sandwiches.” The intimate living room, now crowded with boxes of Christmas decor, felt like home.
“Jaime, let’s get the tree.” The two men disappeared outside and emerged with the pine tree I had hand-selected. They shimmied it into the tree stand, and the top branch scraped the ceiling.
“Oh, perfect!” Deirdre clapped her hands in approval. “It’s brilliant.” She smiled at me, and I couldn’t help but return her enthusiasm. “My favorite part. Time to decorate.” She dragged a crooked box from under the coffee table and ripped open the seams. Pulling out a tangled mess of multicolored lights, we unraveled the previous year’s kinks and wrapped it around the tree.
I admired Jaime’s backside as he reached high and bent low to weave the lights in and out of the branches, and I noticed my breath quicken and the hair raise on the back of my neck. Warmth flooded me and I could feel my heart beating in my ears. I glanced away from him, begging my body to return to normal before anybody noticed.
When my desire subsided, I scooted next to Deirdre and focused on each ornament she removed from the box. She told the origin stories for each item, but I sensed Jaime’s eyes on me and my brain became flustered.
Deirdre continued walking down memory lane. “This one was my ma’s grandma. She made this ornament as a little girl. Gee, Connor, it must be close to a hundred years old, you say?” She showed me the crocheted angel, weathered and discolored from the years. “Oh, here is a reindeer Jaime made when he was a wee one.” Googly eyes attached to a cardboard reindeer head wiggled at me. This commentary continued for the next thirty minutes, and I leaned forward, trying to get a better look. I focused on every word, learning about Jaime’s past through this box that only came out once a year.
Once the ornaments hung on the branches in the ‘most splendid spots’, Deirdre pulled out a delicate angel to sit on top of the tree. “Rory, dear, you picked out the tree. I think it’s time you place the angel on top.”
Honor raised me to my feet, and I grasped the angel in both hands to protect it from any accidental drops. “Are you sure?” I asked, looking from Deirdre to Connor to Jaime.
They nodded, and I stepped on the dining room chair to get more height. The top branch pushed sideways against the ceiling, and I folded it down to better fill the angel’s base.
We stepped back to appreciate the tree, and Connor plugged the lights into the outlet. Like angels singing, the faint glow of red, blue, and green blended into the burning fire of red, orange, and yellow hues. Music wasn’t playing, but I heard ‘Silent Night’ faintly in my mind. Jaime grabbed my hand and squeezed, and tears blurred my vision. I wasn’t missing my family, but missing what my family could have been.
Sadness washed over me and disappeared as quickly as it came. I couldn’t remember the last time my mother, father, and I decorated our tree together. Usually, my mother dragged the artificial tree from the basement and set it up while I was at school. When I got home, the lights and ornaments were already in place. She always saved me a handful of ornaments to set throughout her perfectly decorated tree. My dad’s job was to buy the gifts or at least provide the money to fill the space below the lowest branches.
“You okay?” Jaime looked into my eyes, and I forced my lips to rise in a wide grin.
I waved my arms in front of me. “It’s gorgeous.” Feeling his warm, soft shirt against my cheek, I leaned into his chest, and he pulled his arms around my body, drawing me closer. Deirdre leaned across the tree and kissed Connor on the lips. My smile wavered as I recognized another difference between Jaime’s home and my own.
Connor and Deirdre left Jaime and me alone while they relaxed on the couch in front of the fire and we snuck upstairs until dinner. The sofa bed was pulled out and made precisely the same as last time. “I see we’re roommates again tonight.” I pointed at the two beds, and Jaime nodded.
“Not tomorrow though,” Jaime said, biting his lip.
I lay face down on his bed with my bent legs kicking above me. “Thanks for having me over today.”
He sat beside me and rubbed my back. “I loved having you here. And my parents love you.”
Fiddling with my fingers, I felt that familiar lump form in my throat. “I love your parents, too.” I readjusted and wrapped my legs under me. “My parents aren’t like yours. They’re still married but should have divorced years ago. Instead, we live in a fake house full of fake love.” I felt my voice crack, and Jaime touched my hand, encouraging me to continue.
“My dad still openly cheats on my mom, and she turns a blind eye. Eventually, I stopped caring. I did my best never to be home because it was too weird. When I was home, I’d lock myself in my room and do homework. The busier I was, the less I had to see my mom’s empty eyes or my dad’s arrogance.” I looked up from my lap into his concerned eyes. “They hate each other. And your parents love each other. They have so much love for you, for each other, for their life…it’s hard for me to see, but at the same time, I’m so grateful to have witnessed it. It gives me hope that true love is out there.”
I leaned against Jaime’s chest, and silent tears dripped onto his sweatshirt. He wiped my eyes with his thumbs and kissed my eyelids. “I hate to see you sad.”
Pulling away, I smiled. “I’m not sad, Jaime. I’m grateful. You’re lucky you live in a family that loves you and loves each other.”
He pulled his chin toward his chest and looked at me over the top of his eyes.
“Honestly, it gives me hope,” I whispered.
His lips drifted onto mine, and a few more tears fell from my eyes. I felt his tongue glide along my top lip, and I welcomed him, embracing the love pouring from his heart, trying to fill my emptiness.
He pressed his forehead into mine, and I stared into his open eyes. I hooked my arms around his neck and searched his eyes.
He licked his lips and pulled the bottom one inward, biting down. “Rory, I’m falling in love with you. I love you.” He closed his eyes when I looked at him and leaned forward. My stomach flipped, and I froze. I was leaving in two weeks, never to return. I was still in school, and so was he. It wouldn’t work. It couldn’t.
I dropped my arms from his neck and scooted off the bed. I couldn’t stay here, but there was nowhere to go. Anger at myself traveled through my stiff spine, and irritation toward Jaime for putting me in an awkward situation settled in my clenched fists as I rushed out of the bedroom.
I tiptoed down the stairs, waving to Connor and Deirdre who were still snuggled into each other on the couch, and my heart caught in my throat. “Grabbing some water,” I said, but what I wanted was to be back in Boston in my regular life before Jaime complicated things.
Sitting at the table, I found a piece of paper and pen and doodled around my thoughts. Why am I so broken when it comes to love? Why can’t I open my heart and enjoy the moment? I knew my shortcomings…I had been living with myself for almost twenty years and had watched myself self-destruct repeatedly.
