It seemed like a perfect ending to the crazy twenty-four hours Jaime and I had spent together.
Chapter 14
By the time Jaime and I got back to Galway, all I wanted to do was lay in my bed and recoup from the weekend. I needed quiet and alone time, but the small apartment and sharing a bedroom with the object of my anxiety kept me on guard.
Zoey and Marissa were out, and I savored the stillness. Jaime grabbed a beer and threw on the telly. “Wanna watch the match?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Can we talk for a second?” I sat next to him on the couch, carefully sitting as far away as possible without seeming to avoid him.
He kept his eyes on the television and nodded.
I wanted him to look at me because I had been practicing this speech the entire drive back from Clifden, but not making eye contact gave me the courage to spit it out. “What happened between us…the kisses…can we keep it between ourselves?” I watched his face to see a reaction, but he barely acknowledged me.
“Of course.”
“I…would rather no one know. It might be weird for Marissa and Zoey to live with two people that kissed, even if it meant nothing.” Still no reaction. Am I totally overreacting? “Thanks, Jaime.” With wooden logs for legs, I stumbled to the kitchen. “Tea?” I asked, thankful for an excuse to give my heart time to slow.
“Yes to the tea, and of course. It was just a small shift and it meant nothing.” He shrugged his shoulders.
“What’s a shift?” I handed him a mug and sat beside him.
“It’s Irish for kiss. No worries.”
I drank my tea in silence, knowing that the kiss we shared brought me many worries. The thought of being a cheater mortified me, especially after what my dad put my mom through. I knew I was better than my dad, and wouldn’t allow myself to stoop to his level.
Leaving my mug on the coffee table, I snuck past him and into our room. My skin felt too small for my bones, like if I put too much pressure on any joint, I would collapse to the floor. I stripped out of my clothes and took the hottest shower the pipes would allow. The tiny stand-up shower looked like a spaceship missile, and I couldn’t breathe while trapped amid the hot steam. Each burning drop scorched my body, reminding me that I was imperfectly human.
When my skin resembled a cooked lobster, I wrapped the towel around my body and stepped out of the bathroom, opening the door to our bedroom. The cold air shot at me and caused me to shiver. “Oh!” My body jumped and jerked as I took in Jaime, sitting on his bed. Tightening the towel, I froze. “You scared me. Sorry, sorry. I should have gotten dressed in the bathroom.” I turned to return to the sauna.
“No worries, I’m just getting my notebook.” Jaime grabbed his sketch pad and left the room and I quickly locked the door behind him.
Before getting dressed, I sat at my computer and pulled up my email. Two from my parents and none from Scott. I slit my eyes at the screen and scrunched my lips. Did he not receive them? Anger at him for blowing me off and anger at myself for wasting my time clouded my vision.
I clicked ‘new’ and started one last email. Hi Scott. It’s been almost a month, and I haven’t heard from you. I hope you are well and wish you the best, but I can’t do this long-distance relationship anymore. Maybe we can talk when I get back, but I need space. I think of you often, but please don’t contact me. Rory. I hit send and immediately closed out my email. Yanking at the snug ring, I pulled it off my finger and tossed it in my desk drawer. Desperate to erase all the memories that I had brought with me to Ireland, I ripped the picture of Scott and me off the wall and threw it in the trash.
The weight of my break up drifted above my head and floated away, and my wooden arms and legs loosened like putty. Leaning back in the chair, I stared up at the ceiling. Why am I not upset about this?
Scott was my longest relationship of only eight months, but he was my only ‘real’ boyfriend. Everyone told me we didn’t quite fit, but I knew opposites attracted. Carefree and spontaneous, he complemented my rigidity and organization. We had worked, hadn’t we?
My parents’ relationship had self-destructed when I was eight, and their marriage taught me about lack of connection and emotional instability. I learned that when you kept things inside, the days moved on autopilot, and although not exciting, you were safe and comfortable. My father never rocked the boat, even though his actions shook us up like a hurricane.
Now that Scott was a non-issue, I could just be, and that ability to be present in the moment was something I had been lacking for most of my life. Better to break it off now. The universe is telling me to let him go and put me first…otherwise I wouldn’t have kissed Jaime. Right? The tiny voice reminded me what I had done and my body responded with a slow growing heat.
Lacing my fingers behind my head and staring at the space where our picture had hung, I pulled out an envelope of newly developed film. Flipping though, I found a picture of me and my roommates from our first weekend out, and I taped it exactly where Scott had stared back at me before.
Pulling on a clean pair of jeans and a white t-shirt, I massaged mousse into my hair, and applied some makeup. Needing to feel pretty, wanted, and worthy of love, I checked myself in the mirror and strolled into the living room. Jaime sat on the couch, exactly where I had left him when we’d had our talk.
He turned toward me and did a double take. My heart thudded against my chest, recognizing his curiosity and my desire.
“You look lovely.” He patted the cushion next to him. “Wanna watch the match?”
I sat beside him, our hips touching, and I leaned into him. He draped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer. “Actually, you look daycent,” he said.
I held my smile, unsure if I heard him correctly. “Daycent?”
“You know, daycent, like good looking. D-E-C-E-N-T.”
I couldn’t help but laugh and I cuddled up against his shoulder. “Decent in America means average. Are you saying I look average?” I teased.
