Page 34 of Felix and the Spy
He laughed. “I would love to do that again. That reminds me, I haven’t praised you tonight.”
“You don’t have to,” she said. “I can feel how much you desire me.” She turned back and pressed her palm into his chest. “Thank you for looking at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like I am whole. Like there is nothing wrong with me. Like I’m a precious gem you’re privileged to touch.”
His eyes shone with emotion. “All of those things are true.”
She shook her head. “I never felt that way when I was praised before.”
“You didn’t like it when your lovers praised you in bed?”
“I felt like they didn’t mean it. It was like I was forcing them to like me by asking them to praise me.”
“Why should you not ask for what makes you feel better?” he asked.
“It’s because I never feel deserving of it. If I could get someone to like me, maybe I could convince myself that I’m not as broken as I think and that I have a chance at happiness. But even when people say nice things, I feel they’re lying.”
“Because you’d never say those things to yourself?”
She nodded. “It’s this clawing insecurity inside me that makes me feel like I’ll never belong. I’m knocking up every door, every person, every soul, hoping someone will take me in. But none of them will open up. This pain, this suffering, has isolated me from everyone. It has bonded itself to my flesh, and eclipsed my character, leaving nothing of the person I used to be. I’m no longer defined by my virtues, but by my deficiencies. It’s suffocating.”
He held her close, stroking her hair gently as she lay her head on his shoulder. He wanted to say that he’d love her even if she always remained melancholy. But he didn’t want to startle her.
She sighed. “This is how I wear my partners down. I’m not supposed to talk about dreary things after sex.”
“I enjoy listening to you talk about dreary things.” He smoothed her hair back, gazing deeply into her eyes. “Being lost doesn’t make you worthless. You don’t have to belong anywhere to be valued. Or to be loved. When you’re tired of knocking on all the doors that won’t open, come knock on mine. I’ll let you stay for as long as you want. Until the eclipse ends. Until you can see your light once again.”
His throat closed up, realizing what he’d just said. Could he promise to shelter her for a long time? Did he want to? What would happen when he found his next steps, and they ended this affair? Would their futures converge, or would they go their separate ways?
Amara’s eyes misted too. Her voice emerged broken and hoarse. “Thank you, Felix. Having an affair with you is so good for my soul.”
He laughed. “I’ve never heard someone describe an affair in those words before.”
Curls nestled against his chest; she suppressed a yawn. He held her close. “Go to sleep. You’re tired.”
“No way!” She burst out of his arms. “Not when you’re lying naked next to me.” She nipped his ear gently. “What happened to see me walk with your cum running down my legs?”
Felix’s ragged groan was all the affirmation she needed. She sat on top of him, looking down at his face stamped with desire.
His heartbeats echoed in his ears. Thoughts of the future often made him anxious, but watching her like this, feeling her skin on his, he felt a little calmer. Felix would take it one day at a time. And when he ran out of time, he’d find another way to be near her.
Twelve
Amara
Having a secret affair with your boss presented a lot of challenges, Amara realized. For one, meeting in a public place always posed the threat of discovery. After Felix had made love to her the night of the ball, they had begun meeting more frequently. Amara was catching feelings for him. Every time she saw his face at work, her heart gave a little squeeze. Her skin tingled when he touched her. She always wanted to be around him, so much so that it was becoming an addiction.
Last week, they’d decided to go to the spring festival together. Well, more like she’d inserted herself into his plans.
“Are you sure?” he asked. “Aren’t you allergic to flowers?”
“Not flowers, only pollen. I’ll watch from a distance. I know a really good spot.” Then, after a pause, “I don’t want you to go alone.”
Which is why, here she was. Amara had chosen a late hour and a location where nobody could see them. She hoped they wouldn’t stumble upon anyone from work. If they did, they could always say they bumped into each other at the festival. As she sat before the mirror, adjusting and smoothing her dark curls into a ponytail, her heart filled with anticipation, She wondered what they were doing. Didn’t secret affairs take place behind closed doors? Why then, had she agreed to go out with him? It wasn’t like they were courting. They couldn’t be. She didn’t want to get married.
“What are you doing, Amara?” she thought out loud.
