Page 22 of Felix and the Spy
“I…I don’t know…I think I should go check on her,” Felix said. “Amara hasn’t been feeling well lately.”
Worry flooded his brain as he stood. He was going to find Amara and ask her what was wrong. His heart hammered in his chest as he passed the hallway. There were several closed doors and no sight of Amara. When he emerged from the garden, it was just as empty. Regular patrons and courtesans moved about, but there was no sign of Amara. Where was she?
Felix wound his way to the back door. There were no patrons or employees there, just trees shedding flower petals into the gutter. He guessed this was where the courtesans stayed. It was walled off from the main building. A shadow stood under the shade of the kitchen window.
He couldn’t have walked away if he wanted to. His legs moved in her direction, propelled by a magnetic force. When a leaf rustled under his foot, her eyes turned up. Amara stood alone, the light from the kitchen window pouring over her mahogany hair, making the edges light up like she was an otherworldly creature. When her large eyes turned to him, they were wet and red.
She was crying.
“Amara, what is the matter?” He went to her, making sure to maintain a few inches of distance. Her pain was tangible, bleeding out of her in waves. He, of all people, knew how fragile she was under her carefully constructed exterior. “Are you all right?”
She held her hand up, trying to put a distance between them. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be enjoying the night with the best courtesans in the country?”
Was that jealousy he detected in her voice? It couldn’t be...
“Petronilla was worried about you. What is wrong? Why are you crying? Did I do something to upset you?”
She sniffed, and turned her face away, embarrassed at the sudden emotional outburst. He had never seen her cry before, and he assumed she found it just as unusual. “It’s nothing. You don’t have to worry. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
This was bad. Somehow, he knew it.
“Tell me.” He pinched his nose. “What did I do?”
A long moment of silence passed, in which she calmed herself down. “You really want to know?”
“Yes.”
Seconds later, she whispered in a low voice, “You said it was a mistake.”
“What?” She looked so dejected, that he wanted to wrap his arms around her and hold her tight.
“The kiss.” Her voice broke. “You said it was a mistake.” Another pause. “It wasn’t for me.”
Time stopped. Elevated heartbeats metamorphosed into a painful thrashing in his chest. Brushing her tears with her knuckles, she said, “I’m sorry if I’m overreacting. Everything seems to get to me these days. You should go—”
“No.” Felix dragged his voice out of his throat which was thick with emotion. Guilt, longing, and lust formed a hard knot in his throat. “You aren’t overreacting.” In fact, he wished he could be as honest as her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“It’s not your fault. I should’ve known better than to kiss you.” She wrapped her arms around her shaking body. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“I kissed you too.” His fingers were an inch from her arm. So close to touching her, to feeling the woman who had filled his body with desires he didn’t understand. “Rather passionately, if I recall correctly.”
“Because I kissed you first.”
“No, I kissed you because I wanted to,” he said. “Look at me, Amara.” Reluctantly, she turned her face in his direction, her eyes still moist. He wanted to raise his hand and brush away those tears, but he had no right to when he was the one who’d made her cry. So, he gave her his honest feelings instead. “If you want the truth, here it is: I’m drawn to you even though I know I should leave you alone. I want to kiss you again and again, and not just on your mouth. I want to brand every inch of your beautiful body with my lips if you’ll let me.” He cut off, worried he had spoken too much. But the deepening desire in her eyes told another story. “I think of burying myself in your heat, calling you ‘good girl’ when you take me inside your tight cunt. I want to taste you on my tongue and drink in your pleasure. It is depraved—”
“It is not.” Her lips parted, the flush in her face intensifying. She was turned on by his words. “I would like you to do those things to me.”
This was so promising, this fantasy that he’d built up in his head. But he couldn’t let her walk the path of destruction, no matter how alluring it seemed.
“We can’t have an affair. We work together. I refuse to use you like that.”
“I want to be used, Felix. We are attracted to each other. What is wrong with acting on it?”
God, he wanted to take her right there. She was so open, so bold, and filled with promise.
“I’m too old for you. You have a bright future ahead of you. I don’t want to get in your way.”
“Don’t flatter yourself,” she said. “You can’t get in my way. Only I can.”
