Page 70 of Shame
Still, the other choice is them killing Lucas, and that’s no choice at all. This is what has to happen.
Glancing out the windows, at the darkening sky, seeing the flight tower in the distance, I realize we’re nearly there. My mind spins. I’m so afraid that I can’t focus my gaze. I squeeze my eyes shut and focus on breathing as we drive up in the parking garage, up, up we go and finally we come to a stop.
The engine is shut off and I open my eyes. Elena has turned, resting her arm on the seat, regarding me and the baby.
“Are you ready?”
“I’ll never be ready,” I say, paraphrasing what she said yesterday.
Elena nods. “It’s a good plan, though, Carmen. This will work.”
“What if they don’t have Lucas?”
“Then they’re not getting the baby. We won’t show ourselves until we’ve seen them with your boyfriend.”
“Elena…”
“Yes?”
“Will you please make sure he treats him—” My voice breaks. My heart aches. What am I doing?
“If I’m still in Salvatore’s good graces after this, I’ll do everything in my power to make sure this little boy is looked after and loved.”
I wipe off a tear that threatens to roll down my cheek. My insides are frozen, the lid firmly on. I can’t get emotional. Then I nod. “Okay.”
I cradle the little one, partially covered under my coat. I’ve pulled the hood up over my head, and Elena has on old worn jeans, sneakers and a hooded sweater. She always dresses like a lady in high heels and tight knee-long skirts, and this is so out of character that I can’t help but stare.
We steal nervous glances around us as we check in and move toward security. I don’t see anyone who seems suspiciously interested in us, and I don’t see anyone I recognize. We’re forty minutes early, hoping we’ll have time to find a spot where we can overlook the security gates without being seen, and hopefully see them coming.
We have one small bag each, to not wake anyone’s suspicions. Flying to Mexico without any luggage would seem odd to most people. Everything runs smoothly past security. We head for a table at the far end where we slowly begin to unpack our luggage and rearrange it, stalling, buying time and a reason to linger in the area.
There are people everywhere, and guards. Lots and lots of guards. If this doesn’t work, then nothing will. I’m so nervous, no, scared to death is more accurate, that my teeth chatter and my knees shake. Suddenly Elena stiffens and pokes my side. My head darts up, and I scan the crowd. She tilts her head and I look in the direction she indicates.
The air leaves my lungs as my mouth goes dry and my heart rate picks up. In the middle of the room, just having passed the checkpoints, stand four men I recognize. Eric, Christian, Salvatore, and… Lucas. My Lucas. My heart flips and I have to steel myself to not rush to him.
They look around, and when Salvatore’s gaze falls on me it’s an almost physical sensation. Phantom pains tighten the skin on my back. Flashes of men, of cum, and beatings rip through my mind and make my head spin.
Elena takes my hand. “It’s time. Give me the child.”
I have prepared for this. How can it be so hard? It’s not my child. Not the way it should be. He belongs with his father. And yet my arms are filled with lead as I let go and hand him to Elena. Salvatore follows our exchange, then our eyes meet again. He doesn’t look angry, or as if he wants revenge. He looks amused, filled with anticipation.
Eric pushes Lucas who turns his head and finds me. A shockwave rushes through me as our eyes meet. He’s swollen and blue. They’ve beaten him. I curl my lips in rage but quell it. We’re here now, and soon we’ll be free.
Elena looks at me and I nod. I lean over my baby, my David, and sniff his little soft head one last time, a thick lump forming in my chest. Biting my lip to stifle the sob that wants to escape me, I then straighten and force my face to stay neutral.
“Thank you,” I mouth, “for everything.”
“I’ll always remember you, Carmen. Take care of yourself. Take care of him. I think he needs it more than you think.”
Then she turns her back on me and moves toward the group of men. It’s as if invisible strings are being stretched, more and more tense the farther away she walks. I ache so bad I can barely breathe and my nose gets thick. Over at their end, they give Lucas a push and he starts walking.
He and Elena nod at each other as they meet halfway. He steals a glance at the baby, then he keeps walking.
I don’t see my son anymore, but I do see Lucas, for the first time in nearly six months. He’s badly bruised, but there’s hope in his eyes and I think I radiate the same because his face splits into a wide grin.
He glances behind him, as if he can’t believe he’s not being shot at, then he looks at me again and his mouth forms a ‘hi’.
Over at their end Elena has reached the group of men. Good God, I hope they won’t punish her. I’ll keep her in my prayers from now until the day I die. And David. My little boy.
