Page 55 of Shame
“Don’t move you fucker, or I’ll shoot. Arms and legs, spread ’em!”
I jerk as my legs are kicked apart, then I lose my breath as a knee is shoved between my shoulder blades.
“The fuck,” I gasp as I’m being cuffed. “I was the one who called you.”
The cop on my back removes the pressure on my spine, rips me to my feet and pulls me to him. Holding me by the collar, his breath hot on my ear, he snarls, “No one likes a snitch, you little snake.”
My mouth goes dry. Everything inside me turns cold, a frozen hell of pure, raw fear. I don’t have to ask. He owns the fucking cops too. I’m dead.
“Chief, everybody else got away. Do we go after them?”
The guy holding me glances at me and a little smirk spreads on his lips.
“Yeah, go. Gotta follow protocol.”
“On it.” The cop motions for his colleagues to follow, and they disappear out through the front. I’m left with two cops who push me through the narrow passage, out to a couple of waiting cop cruisers.
My heart drops to my feet. I take in the surrealness of the picture. Three cops stand passive, just observing me, the red and blue lights flashing across the facades, giving the world a fitting, ghost-like expression. Further away stands a group of civilians, held back by yellow barricade tape, their pale faces judgmental, curious, ravenous.
As I’m pushed inside the car, a hand on my head, my wrists aching, I say goodbye to life. I’m so sorry I never got to see Carmen again. I hope she’s home in Colombia, herding sheep, or something, reading, enjoying the mountains and the fresh air. I hope she’ll never ever learn what happened to me. She doesn’t deserve the grief.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Carmen
Time moves slowly here.
Everything is filth, dust, unwashed bodies, stenches of garbage, and of sex. You can never get rid of the smell of sex when ten or fifteen men unload their cum every day, every night.
The groans from the johns, the pretend lust filled moans from my roommates, the squeaks from old bedsprings, keep me awake at ungodly hours. I get more than one proposition to fuck, good money, guys hot for my growing belly. I tell them to fuck off, in somewhat civilized words. I don’t want to ruin the business for my friends.
The world is sick. People are sick.
But I’m free.
I try to make a life in this non-life. I take care of Alex and Jane. They’re so skinny, jacked up on heroin most of the time. Alex keeps getting pneumonia, Jane is depressed and longs for the two children she lost custody of a few years back. Funny enough, I’m much better off than any of them, despite the evil growing in me. When it kicks, I relive the beatings, the rapes. When I cry, the girls hold me. When they shake and sweat, coming down from a high, I keep them dry and warm, make sure they drink and eat.
Life is bad, but it could have been worse. It has been worse. My only real regret, that I keep to myself, is leaving Lucas. But I know Salvatore would have killed him if I had kept seeing him, and I take comfort in the fact that this is my only gift to him. The only legacy I can leave him with. His life.
“What are ya doin’?” Alex dabs her long, wet hair, water dripping on her shoulder, trickling along her naked chest.
She doesn’t bother being modest. We all know each other’s bodies by heart. If a man wanted to pay for us three in bed with him, we gladly took the money and played pretend. Oh yes, we know each other well.
I wave with the book. “Reading.”
“Yeah? Whatcha reading?”
“Tolkien. It’s fantasy, ehm… elves, trolls, stuff like that.”
She sits on the edge of my bed as she wraps the towel around her long, blonde hair. “Wanna read to me?”
My heart skips a beat, the reminder too powerful. Lucas. I haven’t seen him in four months. I will never see him again in my life. To be sure, I should probably leave the city, go somewhere else. If I see him, I wouldn’t be able to stay away, and it would kill him. I just need to get rid of the abomination in my swollen belly first, then I’ll be free.
“Sure.”
Alex lays down next to me, fluffing up the pillow under her head, and pulls my comforter over her.
“You smell nice, Carmen.” She sniffs my hair.
