Page 34 of Shame
Fuck Salvatore!
I know where I can find a gun. I have to withdraw cash and cut up my credit card. I need a new phone. I have the afternoon. There is time.
We’ll be fine.
When I pull up outside the girls’ house, I still have a few minutes. My palms are damp, and I wipe them off on my impeccable suit pants. I have a bag in the trunk with a few changes of clothes and some hygiene products. I had to ask the saleswoman what a woman would want for a mini vacation. Rodriguez at the dojo had a contact that sold me a gun. I’m all set.
I turn off the ignition and step out to wait for my princess. If I can spend the rest of my life just reading to this woman, listening to her breathe, holding her warm little hand, then I’ll be happy. If I’m to die for this, I at least want to know I died saving her from that monster.
The evening is lukewarm; the greenery behind me filled with birdsong, and the air smells of approaching rain, a little thick, heady.
A thud makes me look up. Down the stairs comes the most beautiful woman in the world. Black, high-heeled sandals that glitter in the sun with every step she takes. A tight black dress ending mid-thigh, showing off cleavage to die for. I love her thick, curly hair, but the sleek, straightened version that hangs down her back looks fantastic.
I try to catch her gaze, but her face is frozen, and she avoids my eyes. She stops by the back door, waiting for me to open it.
“Just do it.” Her voice is dull, toneless. It breaks my heart.
I hope she’ll breathe easier in twenty minutes, when we’re leaving this fucking place for good. Letting her settle in, I sit myself behind the wheel and turn on the ignition. We’re off. We’re fucking off!
“Where are we going?” She has climbed forward and opened the window between us.
I glance over my shoulder, and then back at the road. “I’m taking you out of here, Carmen. You don’t ever have to see him again. I’ve prepared everything. It’ll be all right.”
“No! Lucas, no!”
“It’s okay. Don’t worry. I’ve thought of everything.”
“Turn the car around now! He’ll kill us. He’ll kill you and punish me every day for as long as I live. I can handle what he dishes out, whatever his perverted fantasies are, but I can’t handle him hurting you, Lucas.”
“Carmen, listen to me. I know where we’ll go. We’ll be okay.”
“Stop the car! Stop the car, or I’ll fucking jump out of it!”
I throw myself on the brakes and pull up by the side of the road, then I jump out of the car and into the back, falling on my knees in front of her.
“Please! I wouldn’t be a man if I didn’t take you away from this!”
She cups my cheeks, her eyes dark and pained. “You’re no man, Lucas. You’re still just a boy, a child who wants to play with the big boys. You’re no mobster. You’re not cut out for this life. You can’t fix this. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you’ll find peace in your heart.”
She puts a palm on my chest, over my heart. “You have kindness in here. It’s a gift. Don’t throw your life away on me.”
I grab her hand and hold it. “But Carmen, I love you!”
She pulls her hand to her as if she had burnt it. “No. Don’t love me. Don’t. There’s nothing for you here.”
My heart stutters. Claws tear at my insides from what I know is coming. “You care about me; I know you do! Just come with me.” I fight the lump in my throat, swallowing against it.
“Lucas. I don’t love you. I’m sorry if I sent you the wrong signals. You’ve been a good friend and we had a little fun, but that’s all. I don’t want to be with you. Now take me to Salvatore before it’s too late. He’s a real man, and that’s the way I like it.”
She looks away, out the window, her posture rigid.
I can’t breathe; her words cut through me and rip me apart more than any bullet ever could. The whole world spins as I climb out of the car and sit back behind the wheel. I can barely feel my fingers as I put the gear in drive and flip through my memory for the best way to get to the Salvatore residence from here. I ache so much I’m nauseous. There’s nothing left for me. I think of the guys, of the business, and I don’t care anymore. There’s already blood on my hands, and now all light is gone, all hope.
Well, fuck it then. Fuck her! Fuck them all!
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Carmen
