I’m quick to shake my head. “The hell you are.”
His smile drops. “You’re kidding, right?”
“Not even a little.”
“You honestly think I’m going to let you stay in your house with no power or water when you distinctly told me that there are—and I quote—too many creeps around?”
Shit. I did say that. But still—it doesn’t explain why he’s here, and maybe I’m reading it wrong, or reading too much into his kindness, but…ugh. With a heavy sigh, I reach into my pocket and pull out the fifty Zeke had given me as an advance. I slam it on his chest, wait for him to take it before dropping my hand. “You can’t do this, Holden.”
He scoffs, eyes narrowed and right on mine. “Do whatexactly?”
“You can’t just show up all Captain-Save-The-Day,” I sneer, stepping around him, ready to start my walk home.
“I can’t benice?” he shouts at my back.
“Nope!” I yell over my shoulder. “Not with me!”
“Why not?”
I’m angry. And frustrated. Not at him, or because of him, but for so many other fucked-up reasons. And those reasons are either dead or creating another illegal concoction of high-end drugs in his basement laboratory. Neither my mom nor Beaker exists in my life anymore.
But Holden does.
And Holden’s here.
And so I take that anger and frustration out on him. I spin on my heels and face him. “I don’t need you to save me, Holden!”
“So, you’ve said,” he says, his voice low, a complete contrast to mine. He takes a wary step forward, and then another.
I pull away, my pulse pounding in my ears.
“What the fuck is your problem, Jamie? I’m just trying to help.”
“I don’t want your help!” I take a moment to breathe, push back the tears of defeat threatening to fall. “I don’t know how many ways I can tell you that until you get it through your head.” His eyes narrow, lips parting, ready to say something, but I don’t let him. “I’m not that girl, and—”
“What girl?”
“—stop looking at me like that!”
“Like what?” Now he’s pissed—his balled-up fists and tight jaw proof.
“Like you pity me!”
“Oh my god,” he murmurs, hand rising to grip at his nape.
I flinch at the movement—an instant reaction. Luckily, his eyes are closed, and he doesn’t notice the split second of fear that locked up every muscle, blurred all my senses. Holden seems to take a moment to himself, one he uses to settle whatever thoughts are racing through his mind. His hand lowers at the same time his eyes open, and his chest rises with his single, sharp inhale. He says, “You don’t get to control how I look at you, Jamie. And if I look at you like I pity you, it’s because I do. You’re a fucking orphan who’s spent the past few years of her life watching her mother die, and now you have the weight of your entire existence on your shoulders. You have no real life. No real friends. No realfuture.”
“Fuck you!” I spit. “You know nothing about me!”
“Why the fuck do you think I’m here!” he shouts, his words echoing through the stillness around us. The sounds of our heavy breaths resonate between us while he stares down at me, and I stare back, butnothingis a game between us anymore.
Nothing.
I hold my ground, my arms stiff at my sides. “Whyareyou here?”
I don’t know how much time passes before he makes the first move, inching toward me. Panic kicks at my flesh from the inside, and I say, “Holden, I…” I want to say so many things, reveal so many truths, but then his hand is on my jaw, fingertips digging into my nape, and he’s pulling me toward him. His mouth crashes down on mine, and it’s not at all what I expected to feel when Holden Eastwoodactuallykisses me. And when his tongue slides against the seam of my lips, begging for entry, I give into the conflict. To the fear. To the inevitable. Up on my toes, I tilt my head, swipe my tongue along his. I moan the exact moment he does, our breaths merging, sounds rolling into one. He pulls away first, leaving me dazed and breathless. With his forehead resting against mine, his exhale warms every inch of me. “I’m here because I can’t seem to keep the fuck away from you.”
21
