Page 22 of Into the Light
I couldn’t pretend her words didn’t cut me, at least a little. I didn’t want any of her life to be “none of my business.” All of Ellie was my fucking business, except… She wasn’t. She really wasn’t, and I had to stop pretending like I had any say in the matter. But I couldn’t.
“Look, I’m not trying to be a buzzkill or anything, but that guy is bad news. He’s the one who brought Lucas here, who knows how deep his knowledge of that shit went. I don’t like him.”
She huffed again. “He’s been over this a thousand times, with the police and with me. He had no clue Lucas was so crazy and violent, and he never would have been friends with him otherwise.”
“Yeah well of course he’d say thatnow.”
Her body stiffened and she shook her head and rolled her eyes, sure signs I’d pushed her too far. I didn’t want to argue with her, but seeing her with that guy, and knowing he could be bad news, was too much. I tried a new tactic.
“I thought you didn’t even want him? You broke up with him pretty fast last spring.”
“Yeah, well he wantsme. Imagine that! Someone actually wants me, and isn’t afraid to show it. So maybe that’s the person I should be spending my energy on.”
I didn’t have a response to that, because of course I didn’t. There was no way I could admit that I’d kill to have her. That I wanted her more than my next breath. So I faltered and looked for a lifesaver and said the first thing that came to mind.
“I’m just trying to be honest. I thought you valued my opinion.” And even as I said it, I felt the weight of the mistake. I deserved the verbal ass-kicking she was about to lay on me, judging by her twitching eye.
She took a deep breath and looked at me.
“You know, Raf, you must think I’m pretty stupid.”
What? That was like a gut-punch.
But then she continued. “There might have been a time where I cared about your opinion a little too much—probably a lot too much—but that time is over. I don’t give a shit what you think.”
She dropped her arms to her sides and started to walk away, but turned back. And then stabbed me in the heart.
“I waited for you for so long. To care about me the way I…” She shook her head. “I was so stupid. Thinking you could care for me like that. And that’s my fault. But I’m done now.”
Her eyes glistened, and I reached out but she held up a hand to stop me. “You don’t have to worry about me, or who I’m dating, or what ‘trouble’ I’m getting into. You’re off the hook. You can have your life back, okay?”
“El—”
“You don’t have to worry about me, because I don’t want anything to do with you anymore.”
I knew the band kept playing because their hands moved along their instruments. The singer swayed as he sang into the microphone. The people around me smiled and danced. But I heard none of it.
I stood in the middle of the floor and watched the only woman I’ve ever loved walk away from me, and straight into the arms of another man.
ten
ELLIE
I’d spentthe last few days at home, ignoring everyone and everything I could. The wedding had gone off without a hitch, and no one seemed to have witnessed the fight between Raf and me. But as soon as the cake was eaten, and the couple had their send-off, I disappeared.
I didn’t want to be around people, I didn’t want to risk running into Raf, and I sure as hell didn’t want to deal with Derek. I’d thanked him for being my date, but said I wasn’t feeling well and needed to head home. He was understanding, and drove me the five blocks, despite my protest. It reminded me of being carried the night before, and that gave me a whole other load of thoughts.
I’d locked myself inside, showered off the day, put on comfy jammies, and had been in bed ever since. I didn’t even open the shop, which prompted Sara to text me relentlessly until I told her I was sick.
And Iwassick. I was like a stupid, lovesick puppy. I just wanted to cry, and sleep, and eat tons of chocolate. But my chocolate supply had dwindled, so I was stuck just crying and sleeping.
It felt like I was going through a breakup, but without the relationship. I couldn’t even vent to my friends because none of this was real. It was just a thing that existed in my head. And maybe that was what hurt the most. That none of my feelings were even valid because they weren’t actually real. Or at least, what I was mourning wasn’t real.
I flopped over to my side and hugged my pillow, but then the buzzer went off. I thought about ignoring it, but then my phone buzzed too.
Sara: I have a key and I’m coming up.
Damn. Why did I think it was a good idea to give her a key? If I died, I could have just rotted here. No biggie.
