He was hesitating.
Was it her?
Was it him?
She had no idea and that alone was causing her to panic.
He had shown her to the room, and then left, making some excuse about going and getting food. She looked to the clock and saw that she still had time to call if she hurried. She figured that the extra help was going to be needed if she went through with this.
“Ds. Baker’s office, can I help you?”
“Hey this is Winter, does she have a minute to talk?”
“Hey, sweetie,” her therapist’s receptionist called out over the phone, “she was just about to leave for the evening, but I think she is still here. Let me just put you through.”
The receptionist and her therapist were no stranger to her making unscheduled calls. In the beginning she had made them for everything.
However, it had been a long time since she had needed to.
“Winter. What can I help you with?”
“Hi um, I have a question.” She started, “I’m not sure, but I want to ask … and I just need to know. I mean … Um, what I meant was …”
“Winter. Slow down. I’m guessing this had to do with Mark?”
“Um, yes, but how did you know that?” The woman was good, but she couldn’t possibly know what was going on.
“Because I just got off the phone with him.”
“What?” The words threw her.
Mark had called her therapist?
“I imagine that you are contemplating moving your relationship to the next level, a more intimate level if you are calling me.”
“Yes. I want to, but I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t want to disappoint him, and he keeps … I just don’t know …”
“Okay stop right there. First, we are not going to revert back to a place where you convince yourself that you are not good enough. Mark has been with you every step of the way. He has been there through all of this, all of your healing. He knows who you are, and from the conversation I just had with him, I can put your mind at ease. It is not a matter of you being enough. He is scared to push you. I can’t tell you everything that we talked about, but I want you to know that you shouldn’t hesitate, on his feelings alone.”
“Oh. Um, okay. So um, I mean it’s only been a year. What if this is too soon!”
“What is it that your grandmother used to say?” Dr. Baker asked, calling her out on her own mantra.
Sneaky.
“You never know unless you try,” she whispered over the line.
Easier said than done.
“Try to remember that everyone heals at their own pace, okay? After a fall some people get right back up on the horse and some people never ride again. The way you heal, and the pace that you set for your healing, it only matters to you. Don’t let some preconceived time line determine if you are ready. Only you will know if you are ready for the next step.”
She sat on the bed, rolling the phone over in her hands, contemplating Dr. Baker’s words, letting them circle in her mind.
You will never know unless you try.
And she wanted to try.
Not only did she want to be with Mark, want to feel that overwhelming power that only he could make her feel. But she wanted a future with him. One where the demons from her past didn’t dictate how she lived.
