Hence the sofa that sat across from Dr. Baker, who like always, was studying her every move. She didn’t mind anymore. Her studying and thoughtful words had been a part of what had gotten her here today.
“So what do you want to talk about today?” Dr. Baker asked and she shrugged, fingering the fabric of the couch.
Even through everything it was still hard for her to talk. It was even more difficult now because what she wanted to talk about, was something that she didn’t know if she could.
Or if she should.
“How about you tell me what you and Mark did this weekend.” Ms. Baker was extremely nice and always worked very hard to make her feel at ease. But she was also a very astute woman. One who she suspected already knew her feelings about Mark.
“He took me hiking and to a new restaurant.”
“What was it this time?” Dr. Baker asked while smiling.
She had been the first person to suggest that Mark take her to different places to try different food, and it had quickly become their thing. She was coming to find out that food was awesome.
“A barbeque place. I think Mark ate them out of business.” She giggled, and Dr. Baker chuckled with her.
“Have you given any more thought to what we talked about last week?” Instantly her mood soured, and she brought her knees up, hugging them to her chest.
Dr. Baker had been urging her more and more to talk with Mark about what her life had been like.
To open up to someone else.
The problem was that she didn’t want to lose Mark. And talking with him like that, telling him what had happened to her, it was going to drive him away.
She didn’t know what kind of relationship she could handle, but more and more her thoughts of Mark had changed. First from savior to protector, and now it was something else entirely.
She was attracted to him.
“Tell me what you are thinking?”
“I don’t want him to leave.” She whispered.
“And you think he will?” She nodded back. “Why is that?”
Typical therapist question, she thought trying to find the right words to answer her.
“He isn’t going to want to stay after he knows what Ernesto did to me.” She cringed with her words. “I know that it could have been worse. I could have been raped or killed. But knowing that it was headed that way. That everything else he did was for some other unknown purpose. It scares me.”
“What have we talked about with past traumas?” Dr. Baker said, but she continued before she could answer. “That just because it could have been worse, or that for others it was worse. Does not …” Dr. Baker paused gesturing with her hand for her to continue.
“Doesn’t mean that my trauma isn’t important,” she said quietly. “I’m still scared that he will leave.”
“And you want him to stay?” She just nodded.
She didn’t know what her life would be like without him, and she didn’t want to find. She didn’t care if that made her dependent on him or not. She didn’t feel dependent.
She felt strong.
She felt free.
And it was all because of him.
“Do you want more than the friendship that you too have now?” The question caused her cheeks to blush as she looked away.
“I’m going to take that as a yes.” They both paused, the silence filling the room.
“Winter,” Dr. Baker started, taking off her glasses and setting them in her lap. “Yes, it could have been worse. And in some ways yes you are lucky, but that doesn’t mean that your experiences won’t affect you. They are just as valid as any other person.”
