I rubbed the back of my neck. “I think I’ll be okay. I won’t take a long shower.”
“In that case, I’ll go get you a towel and some warm pj’s.”
“Thanks.” I made my way slowly into the bathroom, favoring my twisted knee. I stripped my underwear off and got into the shower. I turned the water on full blast and made it hotter than usual. Iwanted to wash off every trace of that putrid sinkhole. I soaped up my body and washed my hair twice, my mind swirling with what I’d gone through.
I’d been doing really well keeping a stiff upper lip. But for whatever reason, once I was alone in the shower, a confusing flood of emotions swamped me. As the hot water rained down on me, memories of how hopeless I’d felt washed over me. I’d truly believed I was going to die. I’d absolutely accepted my fate. Even though I was safe now, it was hard to shake the despair I’d felt. My eyes burned with unshed tears. It had been a traumatic experience, there was no denying that. But I needed to remember River hadn’t won. He hadn’t destroyed me like he’d wanted.
“I’m fine,” I whispered, leaning on the tile. “River is pathetic. I should pity him.” I gritted my teeth, trying not to give in to the fear and rage rippling through me.
As anger churned in my gut, I had to accept that, apparently, I wasn’t the kind of person who could just forgive and forget. I couldn’t turn the other cheek like men better than me might. River had pushed me too far. Taken me too close to the edge of death. I didn’t have it in me to say he’d had his reasons. I loathed him. I hated River more than I’d ever hated anyone. Discovering that level of hatred festering inside of me was disconcerting. Could I still be a good person and hate someone with such a vengeance?
I blew out a shaky breath and turned off the water. I carefully stepped from the shower into the steamy room, wrapping myself in the fluffy towel Royce had provided. Once dry, I dressed in the soft flannel pajamas. I brushed my teeth, staring at myself in the mirror. I had scrapes on my left cheekbone, andmy eyes seemed feverishly bright. I didn’t really feel like myself. Anxiety buzzed beneath the surface, making me jittery. I was generally a fairly calm and rational person, but not at the moment. A feeling of doom seemed to hover, and I wasn’t sure why. I was safe now. Shouldn’t those feelings be receding?
“Sleep is what you need,” I said to my reflection. “Stop being a baby. You’refine.”
I left the bathroom and headed straight to the bed. Pulling back the sheets, I climbed in, groaning as my body made contact with the mattress. A bed had never felt so comfortable. I just wanted to close my eyes and pretend the last forty-eight hours hadn’t happened. I wanted to feel normal again.
Royce came into the room. “Good. You’re already in the bed,” he said softly.
I opened my eyes. “I am, and God, it feels good.”
He smiled.
I frowned. “It just occurred to me that Grumpy wasn’t here to welcome me home.”
“I took him to the sitter’s. I’ll get him tomorrow. I think you need an uninterrupted chunk of sleep.” He closed the drapes as he spoke, and the room fell into darkness.
“I won’t fight you on that,” I murmured, burying my face into the soft pillow. “I kind of miss the little rat though. He’d probably be in bed with me right now.”
“You know it.” Royce laughed softly. “Why do you think I took him to the sitter’s? He’d be pestering you.”
“Yeah.” I was pleased when Royce got on the bed with me.
He stayed on top of the covers, but he still curled around me, cradling me in his arms. He pressed soft,warm kisses to the back of my neck. “Glad to have you home, Max,” he whispered.
My eyes stung annoyingly, and I swallowed against the lump in my throat. “Glad to be here. I… I was pretty scared.”
“I know.” His arms tightened. “Me too.”
“I thought I’d lost this forever.”
“You didn’t,” he said. “You’re safe. It’s all okay now.”
“I hate him, Royce.” My voice shook. “I hate River so much it’s hard to breathe.”
“I understand, Max. It’s okay. No one can blame you for feeling that way.”
I squeezed my eyes closed. “I’m sure I’ll get over it… eventually.” I wasn’t actually sure of that. Not at all. But I didn’t want Royce to be disappointed in me.
“You don’t have to. You can hate River if you want.”
“Seems like I should forgive him,” I murmured. “Isn’t that the right thing to do?”
“Absolutely. If you were a saint.” He sighed. “But you’re just human, Max, and River crossed the line. That’s just a fact. You don’t have to forgive him. You don’t have to worry about what happens to him. He got himself into this mess.”
“I suppose.” I put my hands over his because the warmth of his skin was comforting. “Thanks, Royce.”
“Of course.”
