“You were in an accident and said nothing. How bad was it?”
“A broken leg for me. No one else was hurt.”
“How?”
“How what?”
“How did you break your leg?”
“Jesus, Cy. It was over a year ago and I’m fine. Drop it.”
“Tell me or I’m coming over.”
“I got hit by a car, okay? Are you happy now?”
“You’re not telling me everything.”His voice is edged with a hardness I wouldn’t expect from Cyan.
Rebel or even Dexter, sure. Cyan is our calm, or quiet comfort. He’s pissed. I don’t want to deal with this. If he comes over though… that’s not an option. I line up some coke and hold the phone away while I snort it. Almost instantly the frustration leaves my body along with the tightness I’ve been carrying in my shoulders all day. The euphoric sensation is immediate and gives me the courage to tell him the truth.
“Okay brother, I’ll tell you. You’re not going to like it though,” I laugh. He mumbles something angrily and I miss it because all I can think about is how funny this whole situation is. “So, I had been meeting up with some chick on a wannabe Tinder app on a random Tuesday night. I’d assumed it was just a basic hook up like any other girl I’d normally meet, but I was dead wrong. Turns out she was down to party that night. Like, she was into some filthy shit and I wasn’t the only guy she’d agreed to hook up with at the same time. None of us knew about the others until we’d all showed up at her place. At first it seemed a little weird, but I’d already snorted some Adderall and I was too high to really care. We fucked and it was wild. She was into being tied down and wanted us all at once. It was hot. The most insanely hot experience of my life, to be honest.” Throwing back a swig of tequila, I take a second to think back on that night.
My head’s starting to get a little fuzzy, but I remember the next part, as it’s easily been marked into me for the rest of time.
“For fucks sake, Ezra.”
“Anyway,” I shake my head like it’ll help even though I know it won’t. I take another long drink, hoping it helps keep my demons at bay while I get through the rest of the story. “It had been another night of loneliness, another night of missing everything we’ve lost over the years and I needed to at least try and feel something for someone, anything at all. I’d been enjoying myself up until the girl wanted to start getting violent. No joke, she wanted to fight us, like we were raping her or some shit. The other few guys were into it, but something inside of me broke. The instant her slap crossed my face, I’d been transported back in time and not even the drugs could stop it.” I can feel the tears flowing freely as I relive it all over again. Not just that night either. The one’s I keep locked away in the back recesses of my mind.
“You ruined my body, and all for what? You’re worthless.”
“It’s all your fault that your dad hates me.”
“I wish I’d had an abortion when I had the chance. Stupidly, I thought having you would make us a family.”
“I can’t even stand to look at your disgusting face.”
My mom hated me then, she probably hates me more now. My dad pretends he cares, but after the truth came out that mom tricked him into marriage by getting pregnant with me, and not by him as she’d led everyone to believe, he’s never really looked at me the same.
He’s never outright said it, but I can feel it. I was a burden he was guilted into bearing. Everything unraveled after that and by the time I was twelve, it came out how abusive she was any time dad wasn’t around. They divorced quickly after that and I moved in with my dad, not that he was around much. He swore that no matter what, he would always take care of me regardless of who I was biologically and that was the extent of our heart to heart.
“Ezra? You still there, man?”
Cyan’s voice sounds so far away now, my vision is even more hazy than before, like I’m fading away into nothingness. While some people might find it scary, I think it’s calming. It’s what I crave most—to be numb.
“Ezra! Fuck this. I’m coming to get you. I’ve already texted the guys.”
“Nah bro, I’m good. Tell them not to worry.”
“You don’t sound good.”
“Where was I?” I ask, hoping ignoring his statement will make him forget about coming here. “Ah, that’s right, the abusive rapist kink. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough, making them all laugh at me. Not that I cared what they thought. By that point, I was too lost to my past anyway. Between the uppers I’d snorted and the alcohol I’d consumed, and the flood of memories assaulting my mind, I ran out of her house in a stupor and right out into the street.” I don’t even bother to hide the sniffling sound as I inhale more blow, needing it so I don’t feel the oncoming pain that happens whenever I think of the sounds of my bone snapping, the smell of the blood, the sharp agony coursing through my body as I’m torn up from head to toe.
“The guy in the car had hit his brakes, but it wasn’t enough to stop in time. I spent a couple of weeks laid up in the hospital. The driver came to check on me, apologizing profusely despite my telling him it was my fault. I’d been stupid,” I laugh, the drugs lulling me back into a false sense of security—the place where my reality is whatever I need it to be to cope.
It’s those first few moments after they hit for me, I swear. Everything is so good then, so blissful. I’ve reached my limit tonight though. I can tell because everything is falling entirely out of focus and my words are starting to sound funny to my own ears. My mouth feels too dry and like it’s full of marbles. “Now I just do all my drugs here at home, and if I die, at least it was my own doing. My biggest regret is that I could’ve hurt that guy that night.”
“Dude, you’re slurring so bad I can barely understand you.”
“S’cause I’m about to pass out… S’okay. I’m happy here.” My eyelids droop closed and peace descends as I slip away to that place I wish I could never leave.
