Page 33 of Because of Dylan
Cougar22:I want to find the person I could have been before.
Therapist11:Before?
Cougar22:Before. Why is this so hard?
Therapist11:Take your time. Tell me what you’re comfortable with. We can talk about something else.
Cougar22:Okay.
“Oh my God. I’m doing this. I’m really doing this. I’m talking to someone about me.” I whisper the words out loud to make sure this is real.
Cougar22:It’s easier to talk about me now.
Therapist11:We can do that. This is your safe place to talk about anything you want.
Anything. I squeeze my eyes shut, suck in one breath and then another. It’s up to me now. No more lying. “Be honest, Becca.”
Cougar22:I use people. I use men.
Therapist11:How do you use these men?
Cougar22:Sex. I use men for sex. I pick men who I know won’t hurt me, hook up with them for a few days or weeks, and then let them go. Move on to the next guy.
Therapist11:Does it make you feel in control when you pick those men?
Yes. That’s exactly how I feel.
Cougar22:Yes.
Therapist11:Why do you phrase it like that? Using men for sex instead of saying you’re dating different men?
Cougar22:Because it’s not dating. I don’t like them. I have no interest in a relationship. We don’t go out. There’s no dinner. No movies. I pick guys I know are safe, and I have sex with them.
Therapist11:What do you get from it? What do you get from these men?
A sense of power. It makes me feel in control.
Cougar22:It makes me feel like I’m taking something back.
Therapist11:What is it you’re taking back?
Oh God, can I really tell him? This stranger? Tell a man? How could he ever know? Understand? I stare at the END button, hover the mouse over it. You came this far. Don’t back away now.
Cougar22:A piece of myself.
Therapist11:So to reiterate. You pick men you think are safe, and you do this to feel in control and to get a piece of yourself back?
Cougar22:Yes.
Therapist11:I have two questions: What makes you decide these men are safe?
Cougar22:I watch them. Watch how they behave. And I never pick a guy who’s much bigger than me. I pick guys I can fight back.
There’s a lengthy pause on his side. And I know I’ve said too much. More than I wanted. But he has to know why I’m doing this. This is a sexual assault survivor support group.
Therapist11:That sense of control and taking back a piece of yourself. How long does it last?
How does he know? It never lasts long. I feel normal for a few days, and then the flashbacks return.
