Page 13 of Into the Dark
Sherlock’s eyes widen and he smiles warmly at me. I don’t return it. Ever since that day in my kitchen he’s had this look about him like we’re conspirators in something, like we have some secret bond that ties us. A bond I’d slice in a heartbeat because it would mean Jake were still here and his secrets were still his own and I could still love him.
So I look at Dan instead. He looks extremely handsome in a gray morning suit with flashes of green from his lapel and waistcoat, his hair styled neatly back from his face, making him look boyish. He looks nervous—certainly more nervous than Rob—and he fiddles absently with his hands, sliding them into his pockets and back out again before fiddling with his jacket then knotting his hands together. I know the moment he spots Rob because his mouth drops open and his eyes cloud over as if he’s about to burst into tears—which would be the sweetest thing ever.
I take my place to the left of the registrar and turn to watch as Rob approaches the rest of the way. She’s staring at Fred with such love and unbridled emotion that it breaks my heart a little more. Not because I don’t want that for her—of course I do—but because it reminds me of what I don’t have and what I want so desperately. I want that. This. With him. With the man I can’t love.
I knew today would be the great reminder of the love I don’t have. The one I lost. I had lots of thoughts on the journey back from France and the drive out here. Mainly about what it means that I can forgive everything Jake did. His argument was convincing. He had different choices than me. He made different decisions. But, ultimately, the man standing in my kitchen that day was the same man I fell in love with. I couldn’t see it then—couldn’t see how I could be with someone who made those sorts of decisions. But the truth is, I was with that person. I loved that person. And he loved me.
Jake is the same man he always has been, and he promised me that day he was willing to change who he is to be with me.
But it isn’t just about him changing to be with me; I also have to change to be with him. I already have. It’s been a startling realization, one I’m not quite sure what to do with yet. I’m sure it’s progress, but it’s progress that’ll have to be put on hold for today.
The service isn’t long. Mark does a short reading, and Rob and Dan exchange vows they wrote themselves that make most of the room cry. Including me. Mum stares at me frequently throughout, a sad, wistful smile on her face, which is either because I’m not married to Ben or because she doesn’t like how I’ve done my hair. I can’t entirely tell which.
After the ceremony, Rob, Dan, Mark, and I go into the adjoining parlor to sign the marriage certificate while the other guests are moved out of the drawing room into the sunroom for champagne and canapés. Rob and I joke while Dan and Mark laugh about something separately before we’re all asked to pose for a group photo, and then in pairs. My entire body stiffens as Mark and I are guided away from Rob and Dan and asked to look as if we’re laughing at something. I feel like telling the photographer to fuck off because heartbroken people can’t laugh with those instrumental in their heartbreak. Instead, I say nothing and allow Mark to rest his hand on the small of my back, somehow managing to muster a fake smile for the camera. More photographs are taken in the main foyer and then outside, including a massive group shot on the back patio with Rob & Dan as the centerpiece.
The meal and speeches pass by in a blur, and I barely eat a thing as I play through the piece in my head, overthinking everything that could possibly go wrong during the four-and-half-minute arrangement. I suppose it takes my mind off Jake for a few hours. During dinner I afford myself two half-glasses of champagne, but since I haven’t eaten much today, and because of nerves and/or nausea, I start to feel tipsy halfway through the second glass. I push it aside and signal a passing waiter for water instead.
Rob steals frequent looks in my direction, giving me warm smiles of reassurance and gratitude every time I catch her looking. She’s checking up on me. Like she thinks I might collapse any minute. So I suppose my summer glow isn’t convincing everyone.
She’s the happiest I’ve ever seen her though—Dan too—and they float effortlessly between their groups of friends and family throughout the day, kissing and smiling for photos like they’ve waited their whole lives for this.
Just before 7:00 p.m., I nip upstairs to my room to freshen up and gather myself together. Three minutes thirty seconds. It’s nothing. Yes, it’s a minute longer than my piano exam, but I’m more prepared for this. I’ve done nothing but practice for weeks. It’s fine. I can play it with my eyes closed. It will be fine. In front of the bathroom mirror I close my eyes and take a few deep, calming breaths. God, I wish he were here. He was supposed to be here. He should be here. He would be here if I were stronger. Braver. If I were a different person.
I need him.
Right now, I need to feel how I felt whenever he looked at me. Strong and powerful. Like I too was a force of nature.
The pain is solid and hard inside me now, fusing together my bones and my blood, becoming a part of me.
When I arrive back downstairs I seek out Mum and Dad. I don’t need to say anything to Dad about how I’m feeling because he takes one look at me, tilts his head to the side, and gives me one of his reassuring smiles.
“You’ll be marvelous, sweetheart. Don’t worry,” he says.
“Yes, your father’s right. You’ll be perfect, darling. You really don’t show off enough,” Mum says, reaching up to fiddle with the flower in my hair.
“That’s because she doesn’t like showing off, Eve.”
Mum says something back, but I turn away when Liam taps the mic and hushes everyone. He says only a few words before Rob climbs up the small dais to take the mic from him. She smiles apologetically before dismissing him with a wave of her hand. I see her search the crowd, looking for someone, and then she nods before scanning it again until she finds me. Eyes going soft and glassy, she puts her hand over her heart and smiles, which makes me feel tearful too.
“Hi, everyone—sorry, hi,” she starts before the crowd break into cheers and applause. She laps it up for a moment before hushing them with a finger to her lips. “So I just wanted to be the one to do this. Of course, she’ll kill me for making even more of a spectacle, but I’ll deal with that later.” She gives me an angelic smile that makes me laugh, settling some of the nerves. “Al, babe, I haven’t told you this for a while, but I know you know. You’re more than just my best friend and the most beautiful bridesmaid a bride has ever had,” she coos before a serious expression overcomes her. “You’re also my sister.” Awws from the crowd bubble up. “I honestly couldn’t have wished for a biological sister as wonderful or supportive as you are. As you’ve always been. I’ve known you twenty-five years and I can’t wait to know you another sixty-five. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I don’t want to.” She shakes her head, and I feel the tears rush up behind my eyes. “Anyway, Dan and I…” She looks over to where Dan is and blows him a kiss. “I mean, my husband and I—oh, that sounds weird…” She giggles, and Dan goes from nodding proudly at his friends to looking hurt. “We want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for doing this for us. For making our perfect day even more special. That you for keeping this promise you made when we were silly little girls. Okay, we still are, but thank you. We’re truly so grateful to you. Thank you, darling. I love you. And I have a beautiful gift to give you later to pay you back.” She smiles adorably and blows me a kiss.
I sense everyone looking at me, but I’m just looking at Rob, filled with love and gratitude and all the right sorts of emotion for what feels like the first time in weeks.
“Anyway, I’ll stop talking now. Everyone, please enjoy the talents of my gorgeous bridesmaid, best friend, and sister from another mister, Alex.”
As the crowd cheers, I move toward the stage. I say “stage”—it’s just a custom-made dais about two feet off the floor with a gorgeous baby grand situated in the center of it. As Rob passes me, she hugs me tight and whispers that she loves me before vacating the small stage. Taking a seat at the piano, I don’t dare lift my head to look round the room. It doesn’t matter who’s there watching because it’s the one person who isn’t there that I focus on.
My mind stills and quiets like the entire room watching me, and I let him overtake it completely. I don’t feel sad or guilty or heartbroken. I just feel him. Us. What we were. What we had.
Then I take a deep breath and begin to play.
The piano sounds perfect. Soft, crisp notes that echo cleanly and beautifully around the room and out through the large open French doors. He isn’t here, but in this moment it feels like he is. I feel him under my skin and in my blood, and for those three and a half minutes I still have him. Perhaps I always will. I see his face and his smile, and I hear the way his voice sounded as it brushed against my skin. I feel his arms around me, warm and strong. His eyes, proud, and filled with love and desire.
The two rotations of the prelude move through me in a blur of feeling, and before I realize it, it’s over. My fingers slow and my hands come to a stop above the keys. I lean up and open my eyes. Only when I settle my hands on my lap does the applause start. Quiet at first before it grows to include wolf whistles and loud cheers. When I stand up from the piano it grows louder. Cheeks the color of beetroot, I’m sure, I offer a small curtsy thing before heading for the steps down.
Rob appears in front of me, pulling Dan behind her. “Oh. My. God! That was perfect!” she shrieks. “I bloody knew you’d pick something perfect!” She throws her arms around me and practically lifts me off the ground.
“You liked it? It sounded okay? I honestly think I blacked out there,” I laugh, glancing around for a waiter with champagne. Across the room I see Mum wiping her eyes with a tissue and Dad beaming at me.
