Page 146 of Everything Under the Sun
On our way back to our cabin, I expressed my concern for Jeffrey.
“He won’t be a problem,” Thais assured.
I wasn’t so convinced.
“He won’t hurt me.”
“It’s not you I’m worried about.”
She laughed lightly, and looped her arm through mine. “Oh, I’ll keep you safe, my love,” she told me in jest.
You do keep me safe, I thought, and pulled her closer. You save me from myself every day I’m with you.
Aside from the elephant in the woods that was Mark Porter’s body; aside from our heavy conversations about our new friends: June, Esra, and Jeffrey; I thought mostly about the night before. When Thais gave herself to me.
It wasn’t right, I’d told myself. But the words didn’t mean the same thing they once did. I was past the guilt; beyond the burden of regret for what I’d done. But what I regretted now was how it happened. Our first time wasn’t supposed to be that way. It shouldn’t have been about me, healing my wounds, fixing my mistakes—I’m such a fucking bastard. I wanted to make it right, to treat Thais how she deserved to be treated: she deserved to be made love to, not ravaged. And the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her.
We entered the dark cabin and unloaded our backpacks.
I’ll make it up to her, I resolved. But not yet…only when she’s ready…
THAIS
I wanted Atticus to make the next move, to be the one for a change. I sat on the floor, watching him sort through our new supplies, wishing he’d look at me, at least. I wanted him, in every way, right then, but he barely ever looked up.
Maybe he’s not interested in me, after all.
A terrible thought occurred then: What if I did it wrong? What if it was something I didn’t do? My face flushed with heat and humiliation when I thought about what had happened. Was Atticus lying about not being bothered by the blood, the same way I had lied to him about not being sore?
ATTICUS
I wanted to make the next move, to be the one for a change—it had always been Thais initiating before. I wanted to be with her in every way, to take her into the bedroom, or right there on the floor, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I wasn’t sure if she wanted it, and she wasn’t showing any signs anymore that she did.
Maybe I hurt her too much, and turned her off to ever having sex with me again.
I looked down at the bag of bullets in my hand because I couldn’t bear to look her in the eyes.
Then she got up. “I’ll get the candles,” she said, and her shadow followed her down the hallway.
“Okay.”
With a blanket of awkwardness laid over the room, we set everything out on the floor.
“Should’ve taken more toilet paper,” I said, stacking three rolls on top of one another.
Thais smiled.
She set her spice jars side-by-side, the labels facing her.
“You know,” she said, “I have a feeling June and Esra won’t turn us away if we need something else, regardless what they said about not being a grocery store.” She twisted the tin cap from a jar of cinnamon and placed the opening underneath her nose. “We could really help them out, not just in exchange for supplies, of course, but because they’re kind and I would enjoy helping them.”
I studied the print on the packages of MRE’s; there were two years left judging the manufacture dates.
“I’ll help them with whatever they need,” I said, setting one package down and picking up another, “except”—I glanced over—“digging a pond with a shovel.”
Thais cackled.
“I wonder when Tuesday is,” I said a few minutes later.
