Page 96 of One More Kiss
I watch him in awe as he bends down and talks Corbin through the next round of the course. He's a natural athlete, and I can tell he knows exactly what he's doing. To him, it's nothing to be this high up, dangling from pretty much nothing.
Since we've climbed up the obstacles, now we're at the top, ready to throw every bit of common sense into the wind and zipline down to the other side.
Corbin goes first, his excited screams and laughter echoing off the surrounding trees and bouncing back to roll over me. When he's up on the platform on the other side, I finally let out a breath that I didn't realize I was holding in.
When it's my turn, David helps me over to the edge of the platform and gives me some more instructions. "All you have to do is hold your arms out at your sides and lean forward. The harness will absorb any shock you might get, so you're safe."
Something in me stirs with recognition, but I write it off as my reaction to the fact that I'm leaning over a huge drop-off and getting ready to fall. It pulls at memories I'd rather forget and sends ice through my veins.
Corbin's waiting for me on the other side of the course, his hands and feet already firmly planted on the ground. He looks proud of himself, which is the sweetest thing I've ever seen. But, still, I feel the rising panic of my memories.
No! I won't let them ruin this. I won't let them ruin my life. I'm going to be happy today. I'm going to have fun with my son. I will find the wonder in the world and hold on to it.
Of course, repeating those things over and over again in my head does absolutely nothing to stave off the panic attack.
I try to calm myself down, but I'm already hyperventilating.
"Are you okay?" David asks, watching my face fall and grabbing my shoulders to steady me. "Brianna, look at me. Look at me."
He forces my eyes up to meet his, which are full of concern and something else. His gaze is gentle and tender, but I can't tell if it's pity or something completely different. I've never felt so small as I do in that moment.
"Brianna, tell me what's wrong," he says, moving his hands up to cup my cheeks. His warmth is soothing, and I lean into his touch. "Talk to me."
"I'm okay," I manage to whisper. My heart is racing a million miles a minute, and I can't catch my breath. I try to force myself to breathe, but it's no use. I'm having a panic attack, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. "I'm okay. Corbin. Go to Corbin, please."
"I can call in another instructor to go to Corbin, but I'm not leaving your side."
"Please," I beg. "He's waiting for me. He's waiting for me. Please."
His stormy eyes look back and forth between me and my son before he seems to reach a conclusion. David nods as he reaches down and wraps a strong arm around my waist. "On three," he counts. "One. Two. Three."
We're over the edge before I can even process what's happening. We're falling through the air, and I can't breathe. I try to scream, but I can't find my voice. I can't do anything but cling to David as we plunge toward the next platform where Corbin waits for us.
Please don't let me die.
Please don't let me die.
Please don't let me die.
I squeeze my eyes shut and just try to keep breathing until we are longer falling. Instead, I'm wrapped in strong arms. I try to fight back, to push David away. I know it's him, but I don't want to be touched.
"You're okay. You're safe."
"Let me go," I say, my voice shaky and small. "Please. Let me go."
I can feel David hesitate, but he finally lets me go.
"Mama?"
Corbin's voice cuts through all the noise inside my head, and I feel my heart rate slowing down.
"What happened?" he asks, his face full of worry as he looks between David and me. "Are you okay?"
"We're fine. I'm okay," I say, taking a deep breath and pulling Corbin into my arms. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay, mama," he says, his voice muffled by my shoulder. "Guess what? I did it. I was awesome!"
I smile down at him, finding all the strength to be happy that he had a great time. I was worried that seeing me panic would affect him more, but he seems too over the moon to pay much attention to it.
