Page 928 of One More Kiss
“Where are you, Daniel? Where the fuck are you?” She fell backward into the wall and slid down to the floor, heaving in the waves of sobs. “Why aren’t you in my corner anymore? I need you.”
Tears streamed down my cheeks. “I’m here, baby girl. I’m right here.”
I sat there for a long time. Just knowing she was right there killed me. Eventually, she was all cried out, and I heard her get up. I peeked through the window and watched as she made her way to the bathroom. I listened for the toilet to flush, the water to run for the amount of time it took for one to brush their teeth. Ritualistic things that told me she was going to go to bed and not doing something self-destructive.
She came back into her room, and I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding as she climbed into bed and turned out the light. I could smell her through the open window—vanilla and lavender. I squeezed my eyes shut, willing my body to move. To walk away. But it was a struggle.
Tate was reaching out; despite everything I’d done to her. To us. She was calling out Marco in the dark, but I couldn’t seem to form the word Polo. God, I was going to miss her. But I wasn’t capable of being her angel. My wings were broken. I had nothing to offer her.
I needed to let her go.
* * *
The morning sunwas perfect as it woke me. It was as if it held promise. But the sun was a Goddamned liar. It came through the trees, shining down on the lake with all its fake hope and hollow promises. Personally, I preferred the moonlight.
I wish I hadn’t woken up, not that I had done anything to keep from waking up. I had driven to the lake last night, had lain out in the grass where I’d been with her, and had fallen asleep after falling apart.
I knew the sun wasn’t going anywhere, so I got up and trekked up the cliff before sitting on the highest point. I looked up at that offending sun as it mocked me. Another day. Another shitty fucking day. But I was done with days. Done with do-overs. Done trying. Done lying. Done medicating and crying and breathing and being. Below me, the waterfall raged. I could see the rocks. Usually, they were hidden. But right then, from that height and that angle, they were clear as day. And if I were to jump from that high up down to that spot, the rocks would be unavoidable.
I stood up and took off my shirt. Then my shoes. Then my pants.
I never wanted to hurt anyone, but this wasn’t about them. It was about me. And I was done.
A moment later, I sat back down, my chest pounding. I was actually shaking. Because some part of me inside my soul was detached from all of the rest of me, and that little part wanted no part of this. Like a child who didn’t understand what was good for them.
Tears burned my eyes for the thousandth time, and I grabbed my phone.
I pulled my text stream up. My mom. Luca. My coach. I felt like I should say something. But I didn’t have words. The only name that seemed to pierce me like a cattle prod was Tate. I clicked on her, my thumb hovering over the texting keyboard.
I’m sorry.
I love you.
Help. Me.
All things I could've said. But didn’t.
Instead, I went to our playlist and added one last song.
Jesus Christby Brand New.
I sat there,listening to the song probably five times over. As loud as my headphones would play it. It was cathartic in all its irony. I believed in a lot of things in my life. Good and bad. But at that point, I felt like I’d been following all the road signs, avoiding as many hazards as possible. I played by the rules as best I could, and the road that life had me down, although it looked to be paved with promises, led me into a dessert. To the edge. To nothing. Abyss.
The bile was so thick in my throat that I couldn’t even swallow. I worked my jaw against the acid. Against the pain that bled from my heart to the rest of me. I was septic.
I stood up.
Exhaled.
“So, this is where you were,” I said out loud. “This is why you got into that car. Calculated it all.”
I didn’t know if my dad could hear me. If that was how it worked with dead people. But I didn’t care.
“I hated you, you know that? I hate you for leaving us. You nearly killed Mom, too.” I paused, swallowing hard. The next part hurt. “But I get it. And I’m not mad anymore.”
I didn’t feel anything anymore.
I.
