But then I would never have experienced love and laughter. She showed me that. She changed me for the better. I think, anyway. I cannot tell. Did I ever do the same for her?
I hated myself for feeling what I did when I saw her again. She was not a child with pigtails anymore. I was repulsed and sought my therapist immediately. I did everything in my power to keep her at arm's length but the temptation was too much for us to combat. I did not have this reaction to Katja, and I questioned why not so many times until I eventually gave up. I tried with Katja, but my heart was with her. Always with her. After I experienced life with her, there was no going back. I was sold and I desired every second with her.
Some things are not meant to be explained.
She is my other half. That is all, and I will not question it further.
I woke sick to my stomach, reaching for her. It makes no sense since we rarely were able to share a bed, yet it does not matter. I know what I feel and what I want. I need to touch her to know she is real and what we have is real. This gnawing feeling in my stomach that she needs me will not go away. I keep thinking I am going to see her, then I wake up and reality hits me. Does she need me?
Fuck this, I am going.
No, I cannot. I said I would give her time, and that is a promise I planned to keep.
FUCK. I want to fight for her now and show her we need each other. She stood by my side when I needed her the most. I
should be by her side as she begins the hardest journey of her life, and I am not. She does not want me there and I have to respect that.
I let her down.
I have to believe the one thing I did right was let her go. I tell myself that often.
But the truth is, she is stronger than me. She said goodbye.
She let me go. For her. If that is not strength, I do not know what is.
I love her more for it.
Frank may have dropped the charges, but that does not change a thing. He and I will never be the same. There is no friendship, no acquaintance. Nothing. We are strangers.
Does it bother me? Yes, it does. Immensely. I want to rectify it, but I know there is not a single thing in the world I can do or say to fix this. I am not looking for friendship or forgiveness. I am not sure what I want from him. He was a good friend, and I ruined the bond between us. That is not who I am. I let him down, another person who trusted me, and lost faith in me.
Was it worth it? Ten times over. I would do it again in a heartbeat for her without remorse. Only this time it would be ten times better. I would love her harder, prove to her she is my world and that we need each other. I would love her first.
Love, what a finicky thing it is. It made me do things I did not know I could to another person. So many regrets, so many highs. I hate myself.
I guess I want to apologize to Frank for hurting him, but I will never apologize for loving her. And if he asked me if I could go back and change history, I would tell him no.
I guess there would be no reason for Frank and I to talk in the end.
The divorce was finalized and I drank myself into a stupor for a solid week, just like the night I married her. I should have found relief I am no longer tied to Katja, but all I felt was loss. Loss over her, not Katja. I should have said no to Katja from the start, but there were too many forces working against us.
I ruined three lives, and I am still without her. I am no one without her. What is life without her?
Katja had a baby boy. I am glad that chapter of my life with her is closed for good.
There is a beast pounding against the walls of my chest desperate to break free. I hear his voice in my head, his negativity is eating away at me. My world is so dark and the vodka does not quell this hunger.
I wish I did not love her as much as I did. I wish I could turn off the feeling. World Cup used to be my safe haven, a place where I could release my stress in the dark and alone. I joined a gym, but a regular gym does nothing for me. Ethan said I should attempt CrossFit, but flipping over a tire does not motivate me. The one thing that has helped has been running as far and as fast as I can until my legs give out.
I am a hostage to my emotions. I fear one day I will not break free from them.
I shut the journal and held it close to my chest, sinking against my headboard of my bed. I closed my eyes and exhaled. There was too much sorrow in his words for my heart to handle another page. I wanted to call him and make sure he was okay, just hear his voice to know and then hang up. But I wouldn't.
The nights were the hardest for me. It was when my mind raced with thoughts and my heart beat a little faster. I wondered if I hurt us both for my decision to leave. I wondered if we could ever come back from this. Sometimes I wished I could fast forward the days and months just to see if it was all worth it in the end. I didn't have this feeling that something wasn't going to happen, I just didn't like the unknown.
Sixty
Two Years Later
