July 15th, 2019
My mind has been spinning with a whirlwind of emotions since that night with Kai. It’s been making it hard to think straight and put them together. I thought he had moved on. Hell, I thought I had moved on. I have such a happy life with Liam. Something stable. It’s what I’ve always wanted. He’s mature, nice, and he loves Amari like his own. My past relationships had led me to give up on ever being with someone, but he proved me wrong. Of course, I had always wished Kai and me would get back together. I saw the man he was becoming. I just wasn’t sure if he felt the same way, since it had been so long since he tried to get me back. Now I’m engaged, and he’s finally telling me. Everything feels so uncertain. All because of his words that I’ve waited for so long to hear.
The things Kai said made everything come rushing back, and it’s not fair to Liam. I feel so guilty having these thoughts and feelings. Even if they’re uncertain right now. It would be so much easier to give him a chance if I wasn’t with someone, because if it didn’t work out, I wouldn’t be losing such a great man. There is so much on the line now. Should I really risk it all? I don’t understand Kai’s timing for all of this. Why now that I’m engaged? Is it because I’m engaged, and he can’t see me marrying someone else? He even said he didn’t think my relationship with Liam would last. Did he think none of my relationships would last?
"Mom, are you ready?” Amari asks.
I finish the last of my makeup and spray my face with setting spray. Amari comes into view, and I see her through the mirror. “Yup. I’m done.”
Today is Amari's birthday. I usually let her choose what she wants to do the day of her birthday since it’s always celebrated a couple weeks before.
“You ready to go get pedicures?” I ask. This year she wants to get pedicures and then go to Barnes and Noble. Just like her mom, she has a reading addiction. It’s an expensive blessing, because she likes to own the books she reads instead of borrowing them from the library. Good thing she got a couple of gift cards for her birthday, because our habit is getting pricey.
“Yes. I’m excited to have pretty toes for the beach,” she says as she gets into the back seat of my car and buckles her seat belt.
We take a family trip every year before Amari goes back to school. We leave in a couple of weeks. I usually can’t wait for this time of year to relax and watch Amari enjoy her time. But this year, Liam and Kai will be under the same roof for a week, and knowing that makes me feel unsettled. Especially after what Kai told me. And me not telling Liam that I snuck out to be with Kai while he spills his guts to me about how he feels. Ihaven’t told anyone. Not even my best friend. It’s not like me, because I usually tell her everything the second it happens. A part of me feels like, if I say it out loud, that means he’s telling the truth. Another part of me feels like he might not want to see me married. But then again, I can’t see him sabotaging my happiness. How can I tell my best friend everything when I can’t even put how I feel into words? As of right now, I only feel guilt.
The lady sits both of us down next to each other and hands us a ring of fake nails painted with all the colors they have. “What color are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. They’re all so pretty.” Amari is going through each nail one by one. “What color are you going to do?”
“I’m thinking a pink.”
“Do you want to match?” Amari asks.
I love how Amari loves to match with me. That was the one thing I was really excited about when we found out we were having a girl. I always wanted a little mini-me to match with. “I would love to match with you. You choose the color.”
“Okay.” She continues going through each individual nail, examining each color.
“Are you excited about going to the ocean?”
“Yes. I can’t wait to play in the sand. Dad said he would let me bury him in the sand.”
I chuckle. “Are you going to?”
“Yeah. Until only his head is showing.” She giggles. “Do you want to do this color?” She hands me the nail.
It’s a light glittery pink. I’m not too fond of glittery nails, but if it means matching with my daughter, then I’ll agree. “Yes. It’s pretty. Our toes are going to be really sparkly in the sun.”
“We should do our nails, too, to match our toes.” She says in high over excitement tone.
“Today is your day. If that’s what you want to do, then we’ll get manicures, too.”
"Okay,” she says with a wide grin.
After getting our nails done,it’s late afternoon, and Amari wanted to go to Chick-fil-A for lunch. She’s obsessed with their Chick-fil-A sauce.
"Mom, why aren’t you wearing your ring?”
My gaze shifts from her to my empty finger. “I forgot to put it on. I’m not used to wearing a ring there.” It’s the truth. But then again, would any woman who is happily engaged ever take off her ring? Or forget to put it on? I’m not saying I’m not happy with Liam; I just don't know how to feel.
Amari dips her fry into her sauce and looks up at me with a small smile, enjoying her food.
“What do you think about me and Liam getting married?” I haven’t even stopped to think about what she thinks and how she feels. I guess I never thought to ask because she has always liked Liam and has never said anything bad about him. Before I even considered moving in with him, I made sure Amari was comfortable with it, and I made sure she and Liam got along. I made sure Amari knew it was up to her. If she said no, then I would have taken that off the table. Everything fell into place so naturally. Liam was so patient and kind with Amari. It made me fall for him even more. Nothing felt rushed, and it felt right.
“Do I have to call him Dad now?” she asks, finishing her fry.
“No. Everything will stay the same. Nothing would change, except he would be my husband and not my boyfriend.” She asked this same question when I first talked to her about movingin with him. I never want her to feel that Liam is replacing her dad.
