“Just something we need to talk about.” I won’t show my hand. He can’t know this is going to be the end or he’ll avoid me.
His jaw ticks, and he exhales heavily through his nose as he drops my face and takes a step back. “Okay. I’ll drive you home after school and we can talk then. Yeah?”
“Sounds fine.”
He leans in and gives me a small peck on the lips. “I’ll see you later,” he whispers the words against my mouth.
It’s been so different dating David out in the open instead of when I dated Trent in private. We can kiss and hold hands in the hallway. He drives me home or picks me up most days of the week. There’s no sneaking around or not telling people that we’re together like there was with Trent.
In so many ways it’s freeing. But something about it just isn’t right. And that’s what I need to tell him today.
We’ve been together for seven months, but we won’t see eight.
The clock ticks by mockingly slow for the rest of the day, causing my anxiety to do nothing but heighten.
I don’t realize how high strung I am until I’m at my locker gathering my things for the day and David wraps an arm around my waist, making me jump and bump my head on his chin.
As I shut my locker, he sighs heavily and throws an arm around my shoulder, tugging me into his side and kissing the top of my head.
I’m going to crush him.
We drive back to my house in an anxiety filled silence. Not that it takes long. Thankfully.
But when we get there, he parks on the road and shuts off the car, his hand immediately finding his mouth. “You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?”
“I’m sorry, David.”
“Why? Is it because of Stanford? Because Trent’s there and you’re still in love with him?” The words come out angrily and sting against the wounds that never fully healed from when Trent left.
“No, David. It’s not that.” Entirely. I’d be a liar if I said part of me wasn’t hoping to see Trent that first week at Stanford and have him throw himself at me because he missed me. But that’s not likely to be reality and I’ve accepted that fact. Mostly.
“Then what? I thought we were good together.”
“We are. But I think we’re in two different places with the relationship. You’re in love with me, and I know you’ve told me you don’t need me to say it back because I’ve been hurt and it means more, but I’m not sure I’m ever going to get there.” He told me after prom two weeks ago. And I didn’t have the heart to break up with him until now.
He runs his fingers along his lips as though he’s considering something. Maybe wondering if he’d be okay if I never loved him. “Why now?”
“School ends in a few weeks, and it seems pointless to drag it out.”
“Pointless? Drag it out? Wow don’t sound like you’ve enjoyed any part of the past few months or anything.” Hurt drips from his words.
Leaning across the console, I rest a hand on his forearm. “I’m sorry. You know I don’t mean it that way. But we’re going to be across the country from one another in just a matter of weeks. I don’t want to wait until the last possible second. I want to be able to put my focus this summer into finding myself as a single freshman, ready for college. I want to focus on what going to Stanford means, not the fact that I just broke up with you and my heart hurts.”
“Is it even going to?”
“Of course it is, David. You’re somebody important to me, for many reasons. I may not love you like you love me, but you still mean a lot to me.”
He scoffs at my words, which makes my lips turn down and my heart ache. I’m hurting him, and that’s not what I wanted from this conversation, though part of me knew it was inevitable.
“I’m sorry, David. I just don’t think we work well enough to try long distance. And it’s very long distance if you’re going to Yale. I can’t have a boyfriend on the other side of the country that I rarely get to see. Especially if I’m not madly in love with him, and while I was hoping I’d get there, I just don’t think I will. And I don’t want to start the school year trying.” Though my words may be harsh, I have to put my foot down. He needs to know exactly where I stand so that there’s no doubt in his mind that I'm breaking up with him once and for all.
“I understand. I just wish it was different.” His eyes lift from his lap and land on mine. “I’ll always love you, Leslie. You’ve been so important to me. Somebody I wanted to have for a long time and when that finally came to fruition, it was amazing.”
“That’s sweet of you to say, but I’m sure you’ll move on.”
“Yes, I’ll move on, but I’ll always love you.” It almost sounds more like a threat than anything. Not in a harmful way but in a way that he’s letting me know he’s going to have feelings for me for all eternity.
It’s a little unsettling all the same.
