“Prettier than?” I asked.
He managed a nod, then spun on his heel and headed down the hallway toward the stairs. I chased after him, down two flights and into the parking garage. Colin unlocked his car without another word, and I climbed into the passenger seat, feeling more comfortable than I had any right.
“Can I ask you something?” I waited to speak until we’d exited the garage.
“I might not answer,” he warned, knuckles white around the steering wheel.
The comment about my eyes had shifted something for him, and I didn’t know if it was for better or worse. I got the impression he didn’t either, but he hadn’t locked me out of the apartment or the car, and that had to be a good sign.
“Can I tell you a story first instead?”
“If you want.” He turned down the stereo.
I unrolled the window and situated myself, letting my fingers bounce against the edge of the door before I walked them the rest of the way out of the car and into the breeze. Air whipped up beneath the cuff of my hoodie, and I shivered, but not from the cold.
It was time that I was honest with Colin about why I’d left Brixton. And it wasn’t even so much for him as it was for me. I needed to be honest with someone about what had happened between my best friend and me, because carrying the weight of it alone was proving to be more than I’d bargained for. I’d had enough time to think, and I knew where the answer was going to take me. It was time to admit it and see what that meant.
Colin was a good guy, I could tell. Hendrix wouldn’t like him if he wasn’t, but apart from that even. Colin was fun and easygoing. He was one of the first people who hadn’t told me no when I’d asked for something and that was more refreshing than he’d ever know. It seemed like I could trust him. Not that I couldn’t trust Grayson, but I knew Grayson had a lot of his own shit with Miles and I just…we weren’t there yet. I liked Grayson, a lot. He was the closest thing I had to a best friend, but there was something different about Colin.
“My best friend kissed me,” I said, getting the hardest part out first. “I didn’t…I mean, I’m not…I’m not…”
“You’re not attracted to men,” Colin said, words careful and measured.
“I’m not attracted to him.” My voice wavered, and I tipped my head back, trying to focus on the wind through my fingers and the cadence of his breath beside me.
“Did you tell him that?”
“Not at the time.”
“Why not?” he asked, like it was so simple.
“At the time, I didn’t think I was attracted to any man at all,” I said. “I’d never. I’d only ever been with girls. With women, I mean.”
Colin snorted, but didn’t say anything else.
“He was my best friend. David. His name was David. Is David. We’ve been friends, or we had been, I don’t know.” I began to stumble over my words, and Colin’s hand against my thigh startled me so badly I almost jumped out of my seat. My eyes flew open and my arms flapped around. He yanked his hand back, gluing it to the steering wheel and giving me a wary look out of the corner of his eye.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have.”
“No,” I interrupted him. “It’s fine. I just. I wasn’t expecting it.”
I settled back into the passenger seat, arm resting on the sill. I didn’t say anything, and neither did he, and then his hand was back on my thigh, warm and heavy.
“Go on,” he said.
“I should have stopped him,” I continued, staring at the way Colin’s hand spanned my thigh, fingertips curling around toward my inseam. Even if there was no intent behind his touch, it felt nice, and I didn’t want him to ever stop. “I knew he was coming in for it. We’d been drinking and he just. Went in and got close.”
“Did he ask your permission?”
“What?” I scoffed, shaking my head. “No, he didn’t ask my permission.”
“So he didn’t have consent?”
“What do you know about consent, Colin?” His fingers flexed against my leg. “What does consent have to do with a kiss?”
“Everything.”
I swallowed, thinking about that. “He didn’t ask with words, but I could tell what he wanted to do. I could have stopped him or told him no.”
