The few cars on the road were spaced out perfectly to keep me from turning. While I waited for my opportunity, a new Lizzo song came on. I cranked it up and tapped my thumbs against the steering wheel, singing along. I’d be tired in the morning, but tonight had been worth it. I was in love with my life, and felt like I was sitting on top of the world. Jagger was wrong; I didn’t need a man to complete me. I had all the companionship a girl could ask for. My heart was full.
The light turned green, and I eased forward into the right turn.
As I crossed the stop line, blinding light flooded my car. Caught off guard, I raised my arm to shield my eyes. Something big was coming at me fast. I stomped on the gas to get out of the impact zone.
Metal crunched.
My body jerked against the seatbelt.
Glass shattered.
Everything went dark.
Stocks
“IGREW UP in a busy family.”
Sage, our club’s counselor, put down his pen and studied me. I’d been on his couch before since counseling sessions were a club requirement, but I’d only given obligatory responses and had never opened up to him until recently. Over the past four months, I’d been finally allowing myself to recover, and part of that recovery included being honest with the people who wanted to help me. “What does that mean, exactly?” Sage asked.
“Mom and Dad had prominent jobs that kept them glued to the phone or computer for the few hours a day they were home. My older sister, Stella, was a dedicated band geek and church youth group junkie. I was a multi-sport athlete who only came home to eat and sleep.”
“Did you spend any time together? Holidays? Birthdays?”
I nodded “Yeah. They always put on a good show. And Mom made us eat breakfasts together. Kind of. We ate in the same room.”
“But you didn’t talk?”
“We did. Mom would ask about homework and after school plans. I mean, they weren’t neglectful or anything. All our needs were met.”
“All your basic needs,” Sage corrected. “As humans, we also need interaction and connection. What about your father?”
I thought back on our morning routines. “He’d read the paper every morning, and he didn’t like to be disturbed. I always saw it as a shield I couldn’t penetrate. When he had that wall of words between us, we knew he didn’t want to be engaged. Whenever we tried, we’d get in trouble.”
“What were the consequences?”
I shrugged. “Grounded, television privileges revoked, normal stuff like that.”
Sage’s dark eyebrows rose in surprise, making him look almost comical. “Do you think it’s normal to ground a child for striking up a conversation?”
Having never thought about the question before, I took a moment before shaking my head. “No.”
“Did your father keep other shields between you and him that you’d get punished for interrupting?”
Again, I considered the question. “Yes. The phone. His laptop. A couple of TV shows. Basketball games.”
“How did that make you feel, Stocks?”
That was the million-dollar question. Thinking back, I searched for feelings from my childhood, but all I felt was disconnected. From everything. “I didn’t want to be there. Home, I mean. It made me feel like he didn’t want to be bothered with us.”
“Is that why you joined the Marines right out of high school?”
“Yessir. I didn’t know what else to do. Where else to go. My grades and SAT scores were good enough to get me into college, but I had no idea what I wanted to be. The Marines were… like a family. One I belonged in.” The act of losing my leg hadn’t hurt nearly as much as losing my sense of belonging. “Coming home was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I felt so… fuckin’ helpless.”
Sage’s eyes filled with understanding. “Most of us feel that way when we come home. Going from combat to civilization is never easy, but adding a disability into that mix…. You gotta know we all respect the fuck out of you for keeping it together as long as you did. No man’s an island, Stocks. No vet should have to battle reintegration alone.”
The time buzzed, indicating the end of our session.
We both stood and I shook Sage’s hand. “Thanks, brother.”
