"No, it's fine. No. I just thought—since, well, everything. But it's fine."
He didn't argue with this and he didn't let me go either. The next boarding group was called for his flight but we stayed there, twined together. I didn't know if he felt everything fall apart too. I was afraid that he didn't.
"You killed it this week. You were awesome with my mom. I'll never be able to thank you enough for that."
Finally, he stepped back and shoved his hands in his pockets. I tried to do the same but the ring on my left hand caught on the seam. I stared at the ring for a second but then yanked it off. "This is yours," I said, the band pinched between my fingers.
A moment passed when he only blinked at the ring, and inside that tiny ounce of time I heard him tell me to keep it. That it belonged to me and should stay on my hand. Thathebelonged to me. That we were only pretending about pretending now. That we'd finished the fake part and we could be real now.
But as the silence stretched, I knew I'd only hear those words in my head.
With a nod, he plucked the ring from my fingers and dropped it into a pocket. Another boarding announcement for his flight rang out and he tipped his head toward the gate. "Get home safe, Saunders."
I watched him stroll down the terminal and join the people queued up at the gate. He shuffled closer to the door, his phone in hand and his head bowed as he swiped at the screen. I held my breath as he scanned his boarding pass, feeling the sum of this week expanding in my chest like a balloon. I needed something from him—anything—before this ended.
But he stepped through the door and down the jetway without another glance.
I gripped my luggage handle tighter, my palm damp and my joints aching as final boarding calls were announced and the gate door shut.
I stayed there for a long time, staring at that door the same way I'd stared at him all week. Still, I couldn't find any clues to help me make sense of what we'd become. Of who we were now. And I didn't think it mattered anymore.
If this was the closure I'd wanted, no one warned me it would hurt like hell.
chapter thirty-nine
Audrey
Today's vocabulary word: presence
"Hey.I think Em's trying to get your attention."
I blinked away from the perfect cube of watermelon speared on the end of my fork and toward the young woman seated beside me. One of Emme's sisters-in-law. I knew her name. We'd met before. A few times. In the past couple of days, even. But my head was somewhere else, and it'd been there since landing in Boston a week ago.
The first few days back had gone about as well as expected, all of which was to say I was barely functional as a human. I was late to everything, responded to texts only in my head, and looked hungover at all times despite keeping to the most basic, flare-proofed diet. I woke up throughout the night, always peering into the darkness as if I'd find him there beside me.
And I was being the worst bridesmaid ever. I'd forgotten about my final dress fitting and then forgot to pick up my dress before leaving for Friendship. Shay gently snatched the bachelorette bar hop away from me when I admitted Ihadn't confirmed the plans—and it didn't even strike a fragile, perfectionist chord in me.
Even now, seated at this long, gorgeous table in the Twin Tulip rose garden where I was surrounded by some of the best women I knew for Emme's bridal luncheon, I couldn't drag my mind away from Arizona. From Jude. Fromus.
I set the fork down. "I'm so sorry. I didn't catch that."
She slung an arm around my shoulders and shifted me toward Emme. "Are you okay? You kind of zoned out there," she whispered. "Your girl's been trying to grab you for the past few minutes."
"Sorry!" I called, sending Emme a helpless shrug. "I'm still strangely jet-lagged. It's weird, I know. I'm working on it."
I murmured my thanks to the woman beside me. Her lips twisted as she said, "It's Ruth."
"I knew that," I said, cringing. "I swear, I did. I'm not usually this much of a mess."
Her answering nod told me none of this was especially believable.
"We wanted to hear all about this trip," Emme said, gesturing to her stepsister Ines on one side of her, Shay to the other. "How did I not know anything about this? I need all the details. Jamie told me you went to Arizona?"
I cut a glance to Ruth. She smothered a smile as if she understood the exact dimensions of the corner I'd been backed into. "It all came together at the last minute. An old friend needed some help. With a family thing."
Jamie cackled before slapping a hand over her mouth. "Don't mind me," she said.
Emme leaned in, her elbows braced on the white tablecloth and her chin cradled in her clasped fingers. "What kind of help?"
