She gave a thoughtful nod as she moved my hand from the other scar. "Did you know that after you've had internal bleeding, all the places that the blood filled can feel itchy? I was so itchy—butinsidemy body. The minute I woke up from surgery, I wanted to scratch my skin off. It hurt to touch my abdomen but I couldn't help it. And I had a terrible reaction to the pain meds, which only made it all worse. I had scratches and hives all over the place." She brought my hand back to the scar. "That's why they didn't catch the sepsis until it was too late. Why the hysterectomy was such a mess."
"Audrey." I rested my head on her belly and wrapped my arms around her hips. Squeezed her hard, hard enough to put all these broken things back together. I wanted to ask where her husband, her family had been during this ordeal but I was pretty sure I already knew. Pretty sure I wanted to strangle the shit out of them too. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart."
"That baby almost killed me," she said, letting the tears run down her face now. "But it also saved my life."
I leaned in and kissed my way across the larger scar, the two small ones, and then the line of script. Then I shifted back to the pillow and folded her into my arms. "There is no safer, stronger place to carry that baby's heart than your heart."
"I don't usually tell people this because they never actually get it," she started, "but I know I would've died if I hadn't left him. Not because of him but because I'd stopped living. And I hadn't truly understood that until I came out of surgery and they said I wouldn't have another baby."
"Thank you for trusting me with that," I said, kissing across her cheeks, the bridge of her nose. "You know you can always tell me anything. I'll always get you."
She buried her face in my chest as a sob broke free. I held her while she cried, keeping one hand gliding up and down her spine as she let it pour out of her.
I'd always known her parents had maneuvered her out of my life and under their thumb. But there'd also been a shitty little voice in there too, one that liked to say she left because she'd outgrown me. Because she'd come to her senses and recognized we never would've been able to turn our teenage dreams into reality. Because she'd decided our worlds were too different. Because I'd never been good enough for her, and nothing I could do would change that.
I'd let that shitty voice tell me a lot of shitty stories. Let it convince me I'd suffered the most. I mean, the fucking restraining order made a strong case for that all on its own. But I'd never really stopped to think whether she'd suffered too. Not when I'd told myself she'd been forced to make a choice and, in the end, she'd chosen her family's comfortable world over me.
All while she'd suffered in the most devastating ways. She'd almostdied.
After blowing through half a box of tissues, she said, "Sorry about that."
"Don't apologize." I delivered a light slap to her backside. "But tell me what happened when he found out. Tell me the rest."
"I was still recovering when he came home from the trip. I'd wanted to leave but I could barely walk up a flight of stairs. I just—I couldn't do anything." Her shoulders lifted, tightened under my palm. "He said it was good I'd filed for divorce. He thought I was doing him a favor. Because I couldn't have kids anymore. That he would've filed if I hadn't."
"He's a fucking asshole."
"I know. Believe me, I know all about it. But him not understanding the sequence of events made it easier for me to leave. As far as he was concerned, I was no better than a busted toaster oven and he'd be happy when I was out on the curb with the rest of the trash."
"Jesus, Audrey, don't say that."
"I'm not saying I believe it," she replied. "But Chris did, and it motivated him to move out of the house, offer me a decent settlement up front, and get the divorce finalized before I was even cleared to lift more than a few pounds."
We weren't that far from San Diego. Six, maybe seven hour drive. I could have my hands around his throat by morning if we left now. "Please let me kill him."
"Your mother's been through enough. Don't add a murder trial to it."
"He's still a fucking asshole."
"Yeah, I pray that he has recurrent canker sores and all of his socks have annoying seams, but it could've been a lot worse."
"No, princess, there's no story where you almost die from internal bleeding and almost die again from sepsis, and all the while your dickbag ex can't be bothered to leave his boys' trip early to be by your side, that could be worse."
"No, wait, listen. I told him to stay there. You think I wanted him with me in the hospital? For what? To tell me healing was all mental and I'd feel better once I got some cardio in? Orfeed me some mushroom coffee and bitch about me needing the painkillers? I don't think so."
"I just—" I brushed a few loose strands over her ear. I wasn't sure what I was trying to say. "I wish I'd known."
"Why?"
I swallowed past the boulder in my throat. "Because it hurts my heart that you went through this alone."
Audrey was quiet for a long moment that left me wondering if I'd said too much. Then, "You're here now."
"Is that enough? After everything?"
She lifted a shoulder. "I don't know. Maybe."
I didn't think it was.
