I still wasn't sure I understood why he'd offer up such a thing, even on the verge of losing his mother. Maybe I didn't have enough experience with deathbeds. I could see him pacifying her with some vague promises but an engagement seemed like a hard stretch. "Basically, yeah."
"Oh my stars and garters," she murmured.
"But the joke's on him because she made a full recovery," I continued. "I mean, the 'healthy as a horse, jumping jacks up and down the hospital halls, picking up her life and moving to Sedona with her bestie' kind of recovery."
"That boy put himself in a world of hurt, didn't he? The holy spirits must've heard him rolling those dice and said, 'Bet.'" She cackled as she scooped up another handful of almonds. "What's his endgame? Is he going to need you to marry him and live happily ever after to stick this lie to the wall?"
"No. We'll go to Arizona and do that thing and then be done with each other. Sometime around the end of the summer, he'll tell his mother it ended."
Jamie brushed salt from her fingertips. "Yeah, I don't need a crystal ball to tell you that's not happening. I've been down this path before and I can promise you it never ends that way."
I stared at her as she snatched a stale box of cheese crackers off my desk. "Except that's exactly what will happen. We've agreed." It sounded like I was trying to double underline my words. "I'm helping him and finally getting some closure after all these years."
"Sure you are."
"What?" I peered at her. "What does that mean?"
"It means I'd really appreciate daily updates. Hourly, if you can manage," she replied. "It also means you should splurge on some new bras and undies for this trip. Cover those bases."
"We're not— I'm not—no. No. That's not what's happening here."
"Of course not," she drawled.
"He has no interest in me anymore," I said, and I could hear myself fraying. Could feel where he'd held me on the dance floor, in the bathroom. The way he'd stared at me across the café table, a picture of disinterest until it came time to launch this wild setup. "That's over. It's done. And he's not looking for anything. He's busy with his son and that's not where it's going with us."
"Yeah, you're probably right," she said, elbow-deep in the box of cheese crackers. "Fuck that guy."
I went to respond but stopped myself. Closed my mouth. Frowned at her. "You say that like it's a suggestion, not an insult. It was 'fuck thatguy—question mark' and not 'fuck that guy—period, end of crude, declarative statement.'" I blinked a couple hundred times. "You meant it in a derogatory sense, right?"
"Go with your gut. You already know which one is right. But I hear condoms are north of ninety-five percent effective and no one's ever sad about packing extra lube."
"I'm posing as a fraudulent future daughter-in-law and stomping all over a nice woman's dying wish. Condoms are the last thing I'm going to need. We fly out in a few days and there's a greater than zero chance this is going to blow up in our faces," I said. "All I need to know is whether I'm making a huge mistake. Should I back out?"
She downed a handful of cheesy dust. "What's this boy's name? You haven't mentioned it yet."
"Jude," I replied. It was nice saying it out loud after going all those years only hearing it in my head.
"Heavens help us." Jamie set down the box, her mouth round and eyes wide. "I've never once seen that smile from you. You just turned into a bright, shining sunbeam." She reached for me, closing her cheesy-dust-free hand around my forearm and giving me a meaningful shake. "You still have feelings for him. Big feelings.Seriousfeelings."
"That's not it." I said this and I meant it…but I also knew seeing Jude made me feel like I was waking up from a long, dreamless sleep. He forced me to the edge of my limits and pushed me to say exactly what I was thinking, even when I took aim at him. There were no comfort zones when he was around, no boundaries to speak of, and something about that was outrageously freeing.
It also felt like he pushed me off a new cliff every five minutes—and wasn't that fitting for such an overgrown super-specimen of a man? With his commanding personality that'd never once been compared to an antacid, and his well-fucked hair.
I really had to stop thinking about that last one.
Jamie balled up the empty cracker bag and started ripping the box to shreds. "If it's not big feely feels, what is it?"
After a gaping pause where I overthought my entire inner world, I finally said, "We have a past but not a future."
She nodded. "What if things change? What if he says?—"
"They won't."
"Hypothetically speaking," she said, "would you be open to a future?"
I crossed my arms, protecting the darkest of the bruises no one could see, and shook my head. "It's just for the summer. Then, it will be over."
chapter ten
