I couldn't decideif this was simple jealousy or the kind of old, desperate longing that sat in your bones and refused to budge. It twisted somewhere deep in my belly, a feeling equal parts familiar and unwelcome. There was no reasoning with it or explaining it away. It made me restless, like I needed to get up and run to save myself from saying something I'd never be able to take back.
"He'll be five at the end of September and he's pissed off about that because he wants to go to kindergarten in the fall but the cutoff is September first."
I nodded. I hadn't stopped nodding since hearing Jude had ason. He was afather. To a humanchild. Which he had with a woman. Who was not me.
I knew I had no business having any reaction to this news. It wasn't about me, even if it did stab my side like a bra's busted underwire. I'd surrendered the right to react to any part of Jude's life a long time ago.
"He—Percy—he's visiting with your mom?" I asked. "Is she still in the Hartford area?"
Jude's features shifted to granite and the warmth in his eyes followed suit. "He's with Penny's mother," he said, the words carefully plucked from a thorny vine. "She lives in a small town on Saginaw Bay. In Michigan."
Penny.Her name was Penny and her family lived in Michigan and she was Jude's—well, she was Jude's. I worked hard at pulling a warm expression that hid the fact that I was still choking down a handful of glass.
"Oh. Okay," I said, my words coming out high like helium. "That's—that must be a fun spot in the summer. With the water and…everything."
He swept a glance from my still-bobbling head to the stranglehold I had on my tea. His brow arched up. "You can ask."
What a charming idea. As if I'd be able to say anything now that I wouldn't flog myself for later. And Jude knew this because another smile twitched at the corner of his mouth.
I focused on my tea, taking several long sips before fussing with a paper napkin and rearranging the plates on the table like the coward I was. Then, when the options were saying something or walking out of here now and straight into the Connecticut River, I met Jude's watchful gaze. "Tell me all about your family. I'd love to hear about them."
He reached for his coffee, saying, "It's a good look on you, Saunders."
"Excuse me?"
He brought the glass to his lips. "Jealousy," he said with a grin.
Leave it to Jude to wind me up and back me into a corner only to turn me around and prove it'd never been a corner to begin with. "I am not jealous."
It was an easy lie, if not a complicated one.
"Keep telling yourself that," he said. "You've always been good at outrunning your reality. No reason to stop now."
Okay, we're doing this.
"You wanted to talk so here I am, talking. If the only purpose of this meeting was to see how long I'd put up with your shitty comments, then"—I pointed to his watch—"note the time because I'm done. I hope you got everything you wanted from this visit."
As I reached for my bag, he leaned across the table and caught my wrist. "Spare me the dramatic exit, princess."
I stared down at his hand. No rings. Though I couldn't see him wearing one. He probably spent too much time elbow-deep in engines and machines. It didn't mean anything. "Donotcall me that."
He eased back, his fingers skating over my palm as he went. Oh,hell. Why did I feel that touch on the back of my neck and deep behind my belly button? "The princess wants to hear about my family." Glancing away, he cleared his throat. "Where to start? Right, okay. I barely knew my son's mother, she's been dead for more than four years, and I have a clusterfuck of a custody agreement with his grandmother." He met my stunned gaze. "Still jealous?"
I wasn't sure how many times a gal's world was supposed to tilt in the regular course of business, but at this point I had to believe I was on the high side of normal. Or I was living inside a snow globe and no one had seen fit to mention it yet.
"Jude. My god. I'm so sorry for your loss?—"
He held up a hand. "I spent one night with her. I don't get to grieve her."
"Of course you do."
He gave a stiff shake of his head, saying, "I met her in a hotel bar in Chicago. I was there for a meeting or something. She worked trade shows and industry conferences." His massiveshoulders inched up toward his ears. "Almost a year later, a private investigator tracked me down for a DNA test."
"Wouldn't have guessed the business traveler bar scene was your vibe."
He laughed, and something in that raw, honest sound shredded the tension. "I swear to god it's not," he said, still laughing.
I heard it then. I heard the Jude I used to know. The one I'd loved.
