It was true, and Joe had a few photos of Finn—and of both he and Finn—that Lee had taken. He’d even allowed a few more risqué photos to be taken of himself—at Finn’s urging and solely for Finn’s benefit—with the promise no one else would ever see them.
But there was no way he was going to mention that little bit of information. Once Jason had greeted Finn, Joe reached out to touch Finn’s shoulder to get his attention. “Thunder and Pixel are working for us at the summit. So are Dead-eye and… his partner.” For some reason Drew’s name, even his merc name, got stuck in Joe’s throat. “Should we get a conference room and run down what we have?”
“Joker,” Drew said in a gratingly pleasant voice. “My handle is Joker. Or you can call me Drew. I’ll answer to either.”
“Sure,” Joe said, his own voice syrupy sweet, but he looked through Drew as though he wasn’t even there before turning his attention back to Finn. “Conference room?”
“I think that’s a good idea,” Finn said, donning the closed neutral expression Joe only saw when they were playing poker. “Let’s go.”
Lexy gave them one of the small meeting rooms with a table, computer hookup, and a whiteboard, and Jason called Pixel to let him know about the meeting. After Pixel arrived—he’d been paying a visit with his Raleigh counterparts in the computer security office—Finn and Joe brought everyone up to speed on their meetings with the NC State coordinators and ran over the initial security models they were looking at.
When the meeting concluded, Joe stayed at the computer as the others left the room. He wanted to see which other mercs were available for the mission, and whether or not he could judiciously request an alteration to the team.
Finn lingered as well, and once he and Joe were alone, he closed the conference room door and leaned against it. “Is this how it’s going to be?” he asked quietly.
Joe looked up. “What do you mean?” he asked cautiously.
“Don’t insult my intelligence, Joe,” Finn said, although he appeared more weary than angry. “You know exactly what I mean. You couldn’t even say his name.”
“No, I couldn’t.” Joe sighed and then ran a hand through his short hair. “I came into work figuring I’d have a peaceful day withyougetting ready for this assignment, and instead I have Dead-eye ramming his wonderful new partner down my throat and find out he’s assigned to our mission. Sorry, but I’m only human, Finn. I thought I could pretend he didn’t exist, and I’m not going to be allowed to do that.”
Finn bowed his head and fell silent for a long moment. “I’m sorry,” he said at last, lifting his gaze to meet Joe’s. “I didn’t know they were assigned to us. I wouldn’t have put you in that position. I hope you know that.”
Joe stood up and crossed to Finn, laying his hands on Finn’s shoulders. “I know. It’s not your fault, and yeah, I realize this is on me. It’s my problem, not yours, okay? I’ll just have to learn to live with it, if I must. Just… I need some time, okay?” He didn’t want Finn to feel guilty. It was hard enough knowing that the nights Finn wasn’t with him, he was with Drew. Joe wasn’t going to mention that the second night after Finn had confessed his love, Joe had gotten drunker than he had since he’d been a plebe at the Naval Academy. He had spent most of the next morning hanging over a toilet.
“I love you, and I don’t want to keep hurting you.” Finn covered Joe’s hands with his own and watched Joe with troubled eyes. “It’s bad enough that I’ve caused you turmoil on a personal level. I don’t want it to affect you on a professional level, too. I said I’d pick you, and I meant it. I’ll break it off with Drew, and it’ll be just the two of us again.”
Finn had made the offer before, but Joe was a realist, and as much as he wished he could accept it, he couldn’t. “I won’t do that,” he said softly. “I appreciate it, but I know that doing it would make you unhappy, and I’m afraid I’d lose you in the long run. You’re not a one-man man, Finn. I understand that. I’ve always understood it. It’s just… this is different. Knowing that this guy means something to you. Knowing you love him. When you were just having hookups, it didn’t bother me, because there was no comparison between them and me, you know? I never had to wonder what they were giving you that I couldn’t. With him….” He shrugged, not knowing what to say.
“Meanwhile, I’m making you unhappy, and I’m afraid I’ll lose you in the long run, too,” Finn said.
“That won’t happen.” Joe might have some uncertainties about the situation, but wanting to be with Finn wasn’t one of them. “I’ve stuck by you for eight years, haven’t I? Yes, there’s a selfish part of me that wants you all for myself, but that’s onme, not you.”
“You sound sure right now,” Finn said, appearing unconvinced. “But things change. What if you can’t come to terms with so much as admitting he exists? I don’t want you to be miserable or to doubt yourself because of me.”
Joe sighed and then leaned forward, pressing his forehead to Finn’s. “I can’t predict the future. I wish I could. All I can say is that I’ll try. And the reason I will is because I would rather have half of your heart, Brian Finnegan, than all of anyone else’s in the whole world.”
“You have it,” Finn said, tightening his fingers around Joe’s. “There’s a place in my heart that’s yours alone, and if I lose you, no one else could ever fill it. Not even Drew. I know it’s hard for you to understand, but from my perspective, there’s no comparison between the two of you. You’re wondering what you lack that he doesn’t, but neither of you lack anything. I’m looking at what you bothhave.”
Finn’s words helped to soothe a little bit of the ache in Joe’s heart, but he still couldn’t help but believe there was something didn’t have, or else he’dbeeverything Finn needed—the way Finn was everythingheneeded. “Thanks. It’s just… I guess it’s like what I asked you before, you know? What if I came to you and said I loved someone else, a stranger you didn’t know, had never met. How would it make you feel, Finn?”
“I know I’m asking a lot,” Finn said. “I know this is a huge adjustment, and I want you to take all the time you need. Just… if it turns out it’s too much, tell me. Meanwhile, do you want me to talk to Herc about getting Joker off the team?”
Joe felt a little guilty that he’d been trying to do exactly that. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s best to let him stay. I don’t want… Drew… to say I was unprofessional, but he needs to realize you and I are in charge. He may have been an XO, but he’s just a junior guard on this mission, and he’s still in training. If he fucks anything up, I’ll bust his chops the same as I would anyone else.”
Finn drew back and fixed Joe with a sardonic look. “Why do I get the feeling you’ll be putting everything he says and does under the microscope to find a reason to bust his chops? If things stay like they were today, Dead-eye, Thunder, Pixel—hell, probably everybody who works here—will notice. This may be a lowkey mission, but we still need to be a functional team.”
Joe released Finn’s hands and stepped away with a frown. “I told you, this was dropped on me all within five minutes of you showing up, Finn. I’m sorry I had a reaction to it. Tohim. You say you don’t want me to be unhappy, then you’re calling me on it when I am? And you accuse me of being ready to find a reason to dump on him? Maybe I’m the one who should ask
to be removed from the mission in that case, because you’re saying I can’t be a fair leader.”
“I’m sorry.” Finn rested his hand on Joe’s shoulder and stroked it soothingly. “I didn’t mean to sound accusatory. I don’t want this situation to be harder on you than it already is, and it seems like having him on the team adds an unnecessary layer of difficulty. I know you’re a fair leader. You don’t have to put up with him on the team just to prove your professionalism.”
“Actually, I think I do.” Joe stepped away from Finn. “Maybe not to you, but to him. I’ve worked with people I’ve disliked before. Even people I hated before. Just leave it, Finn. I know you’re trying to help, but there is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will make any of this easier, okay? I might as well give up on pretending he doesn’t exist and just learn to deal with it.”
“Got it.” Finn gave a brief nod. “In that case, I’ll leave you to it. If you need me for anything, I’ll be in the gym.”
Joe sighed. “All right.” There was no way he could say the right thing in this situation. Finn seemed to alternate between trying to protect him from things and wanting him to face up to them, and Joe was sure part of it had to do with Finn feeling guilty. Not that Finn felt guilty for loving Drew, but for the fact that doing so was causing Joe so much self-doubt. “Just… know that I do love you, Finn. I’m making the best of this that I can. Not just for your sake, but for mine, okay?”
Finn studied Joe for a moment, and then he closed the distance between them and captured Joe’s lips in a kiss that was tender rather than deep. “I know, and I appreciate it,” he murmured. “I love you, too.”
“I’m glad.” Joe whispered. He closed his eyes, letting himself soak in Finn’s nearness, at least for the moment. “Let’s just get this job done, okay?”
“Okay,” Finn said, sliding his arms around Joe’s waist.
Joe embraced Finn, pulling him close. “Come over to my place tonight?” he asked softly. He wasn’t going to beg, but he needed Finn, he needed to know things were going to be all right between them.
Finn nuzzled his cheek against Joe’s neatly trimmed beard and hummed quietly. “I’d love to. Want me to bring anything?”
“Only you.” Finn was all Joe needed. He just wished with all his heart that Finn could say the same about him.
