“Yes. You’re obviously still very upset over what happened. It will do you a world of good if you confront Tyler so that you can finally move on.”
A shiver of apprehension went through her at Kalilah’s suggestion. The thought of talking to Tyler about breaking her heart years ago and their late baby filled her with so much uneasiness; beads of sweat marked her forehead.
“That’s the only way you can move on, Yellow. Let him know how what he did affected you and hear what he has to say for himself.”
“He has no reasonable excuse for what he did!” she retorted hotly.
“You never know until you confront him.”
Worrying her bottom lip, she sighed. “I’ll think about it.”
“Please do.”
They discussed other things before Kalilah rang off. Kaiya had cereal for breakfast and prepared for her day ahead. Later, she was set to meet up with he ex booty call Marcus, who also happened to be her real estate agent, to visit possible buildings for the other studio she was planning to open. After viewing a few places, she ended things with Marcus. He was angry at first and asked her like a zillion times why she chose to break up with him. Kaiya had almost shouted that they didn’t have anything going between them in the first place except sex. As if reading her mind, he asked if they could continue having sex and he would back off about asking her for a real relationship. She shook her head; she was done. Marcus finally accepted her decision and left the café a seemingly sad man.
In the afternoon, she hooked up with Jalissa, her best friend. They always had lunch together during the week. Her crazy friend had ridden to the restaurant as usual in her motorcycle. Their lunch topic had been all about Tyler, and Jalissa had enjoyed cussing him out.
The rest of the week was uneventful for Kaiya. She had school groups and meetings with prospective clients; she attended her private yoga classes and performed her arts and crafts activities as well as her DIY projects. She had taken up arts and crafts primarily after her son died to cope with losing him. It had helped her a great deal.
Kaiya also went to her women’s support group, where she talked about her feelings which she couldn’t share with anyone else on losing her child.
“So, Kaiya, you’re up. How did your week go?” their leader asked as Kaiya took a sip from her glass of water, and her gaze fell on the other women seated in a circle around her.
“It went pretty well.”
“Are you still having nightmares about your baby?”
She nodded. “But not so much. They began again because of the encounter I had with my ex. I can’t believe he’s back in town with his daughter from the woman he cheated on me with. I’m trying to look past it, but it hurts that her baby got to live, and mine didn’t. I know such thoughts are negative, but I can’t help it.”
She paused and looked at the other women who regarded her with understanding.
“It’s okay, Kaiya. Please continue.”
Pushing back her tears because she needed to free her mind and this was the only place that she could without getting judged, she said, “Sometimes the guilt is so overwhelming. Perhaps she didn’t wish her baby away the way I did when I found out that I was pregnant. If my dad hadn’t had him cremated, I’m sure I would visit his grave every day to ask for his forgiveness. I know it might not be related, but I can’t help feeling guilty that my baby died because he knew he wasn’t wanted from the onset.”
Tears streamed down her face as she stared at her hands with her head bent. The woman seated beside her placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.
“I still can’t resist going into baby shops just to look around and wish things had turned out differently for me. I’m ashamed to say there are still times when I take his baby clothes out and sleep with them beside me.
When I see my nephew and niece, I can’t help thinking about him and how much he would have loved playing with them. He would have been a handsome baby, and I regret that I never got to hold him, never got to kiss him, never got to tell him goodbye and tell him how much I loved him.
My sister is pregnant again and will soon give birth. I’m happy for her, indeed I am, but I can’t help the jealousy that snakes up to my spine when I see her protruding stomach or hear her talk about things I went through when I was pregnant. I…”
Tears gushed out of her eyes as emotion clogged her throat. It was eight years, yet it still seemed like yesterday. Would she ever get past the knot in her heart? Would she ever come to terms with the fact that she lost a child, and she would never again have another? She promised her son, and she couldn’t break that vow.
“It’s alright, Kaiya. Take time to grieve for the loss of your child. I can’t promise you that things with get better, but they do get easier over time. Time heals some wounds, but love heals all. The love you have for your son will help you move on from this. You’re a beautiful young woman who deserves to be loved and to give love.”
Kaiya nodded, even though she knew that she would never love anyone else again because she had chosen to love her baby forever.
***
Two weeks flew by in a flash, and Kaiya had to admit to herself that she was slowly falling in love with Tyler’s little girl. For three weeks now, Lili had never missed a class. She was so dedicated to learning ballet that Kaiya always looked forward to having classes with her. She felt she was betraying her promise to her baby, but she couldn’t help it. Lili was so adorable. Maybe the little girl was just what she needed to let go of her pain. She eventually changed her mind about switching the girl’s class because she felt it would be unfair to the little girl who just wanted to learn how to dance. Besides, it would be unprofessional of her not to put aside her differences with the girl’s father and give her the best.
One day, Kaiya was just stepping out of the building when Tyler dropped Lili off. She usually avoided being around when he did and also when he picked her so that they would have minimal contact with each other. Unfortunately, she had lost track of time that day.
Lili, after her dad helped her down the car, ran to embrace her; it warmed her heart. She patted the beautiful girl’s head.
“How are you, Lili?”
