Fuck. My kid brother is like no one I’ve ever met. He’s more determined, unbelievably happy, and smart as hell. He may think it’s because he was trying to be like me, but this kid is going to out shine me a hundred times over and I can’t fucking wait. He deserves all the success and happiness. I mean Christ, there’s no one else that could make me emotional like he just did.
“Come on, let’s go out,” I say, nodding toward the door.
“I can’t tonight. I need to finish this speech and get some shit in order because I’m leaving for Yale in a week,” he says, with a grin.
“Braylin, you’ve busted your ass. It’s time to celebrate. You can take a few hours away to come hang out with your brother. Come on. We’ll go grab a twelve pack and go hang out by the water tower. There’ll be chicks there,” I say, wiggling my eyebrows.
Laughing, he turns in his seat. “You’re an idiot.”
“I know. You’re the smart one, I’m the sexy one. Can’t have it all.” We both laugh and I cross my arms. “Come on Bray, one last night with me before we both go our own ways.”
Standing up, he grabs a sweatshirt off his bed. “You make it hard to argue,” he says, walking past me.
“I know.”
Getting in my dad’s small Ford Taurus, well it was actually my mom’s, but he lets me use it when I come home, we head to the liquor store. We’ve got the music turned up, the windows down, and we are laughing about the group of guys we just saw walking by.
I hear it before I see it. The crash...the sound of crushing steel, shattering glass, and the screams. I lose consciousness briefly, but when I open my eyes, I immediately wish I had died.
“Anyway, the guy ran the red light and Braylin’s side took the full impact. It took nearly an hour to get him out, all while I was being held back by a police officer. I wanted to rush in and grab him, make sure he was alright. They wouldn’t let me, so I fought until he was on the stretcher. His spine was severed and instead of graduating high school and going off to Yale, he spent months in the hospital fighting to recover. He never did. He never walked again, never wrote again, never got out of the bed.”
Wiping the tears the I didn’t notice were filling my eyes, I finally look at Emma. “It’s my fault my brother lost everything.”
It’s been years since I’ve said it all out loud and I feel it like I did that night. The unimaginable pain that coursed through me that night is tearing through me once again. My father never spoke to me after that night. The blame fell on me and I took it. It was my fault and I’ve been surviving the best I can. Living with the guilt is my punishment and I’ve taken it. I lost my brother and my father in one night.
Seeing Braylin guts me each and every time. I walk in strong and I walk out fighting my tears. Life hasn’t been the same since that night. I stayed away because I had no one. My father wouldn’t even open the door for me and while he was alive he was always with Braylin. In order to visit I’d have to wait outside the assisted living until I saw him leave and I’d go in. I’d have Liam sit outside and call if he came back. He didn’t want me near Braylin. His last words to me were that night inside the hospital.
“What happened here, this is one hundred percent your fault. You stole Braylin’s life and for that you’re dead to me.”
He never spoke to me again. After he passed away, he left everything to Braylin. I told him I wanted to buy the house from him and he let me. I pay for him to live where he does and all his medical bills, which is why losing my job is not an option. I have too much to lose, too much to worry about, too much responsibility that no one understands.
I’m so consumed in my thoughts that when Emma’s arms wrap around me, I almost push her away. I don’t deserve her comfort, I don’t want it.
“Drake, I’m so sorry. I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through and are still dealing with.” Pressing a kiss to my chest, she tightens her hold on me and looks up into my eyes. “It was an accident, it’s not your fault.”
Pushing her away, I step back. “It is my fault. He didn’t want to go out, I pushed him. If I had just stayed here like he wanted everything would be different. So, please don’t try picking me apart. I’m a psychologist too, I know exactly what I’m doing.”
“I’m not trying to pick you apart. I completely understand taking the blame, I’d do the same thing. But an accident is called an accident for a reason. You didn’t cause the crash and you sure as hell wouldn’t have done anything to hurt your brother. You’re just too close to it to see it that way,” she firmly says.
“I’d trade places with him in a heartbeat,” I admit.
She steps toward me and the need to step back is strong, but I fight it. Running her hands down my arms, she grabs my hands in hers and gives them a squeeze.
“Drake, look at me,” he commands gently. Lifting my gaze I lock onto her sweet honey eyes full of sympathy. “What happened to Braylin is tragic, a horrific tragedy, but it’s not your fault. You need to let got of that blame and allow yourself to heal.”
She searches my eyes, looking for my soul and I swear I know when she finds it. Emotions I haven’t allowed myself to feel in years bubble to the surface and the only thing I can do is pull her into my arms.
Burying my face into her neck, I cry like a child. I cry for the loss of the brother I once knew. I cry for the life he lost and the life he happily accepts. I cry for losing my father long before he died and I cry for the love I have for this woman in my arms. I’ve never in my life felt a connection like this. I never believed in soulmates or that there was one person out there for you that made you whole. However, right here in this moment, my tears soaking her soft skin, I know it’s true. She’s my soulmate.
I have no idea how long I let myself grieve, but Emma never releases her hold on me. She doesn’t say a word, just lets me get it out. Which has been a long time coming. So, when I pull back a bit I press my salty lips to hers.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“You don’t need to thank me. I love you, it’s what I’m here for.”
“Fuck, I love you too, Emma.”
* * *
