“There’s no way she could have known, Kasey,” I whine.
Kasey holds a careful expression as he watches me from across the kitchen table. It’s just after midnight, the only source of light in the room coming from the dim overhead bulb of the stove, and I’m doing a number on a plate full of scrambled eggs and toast. I woke up a half hour ago to a particularly violent bout of nausea and made fast friends with the toilet in Kasey’s bathroom.
He’d held my hair and rubbed soothing circles across my spine, just like he’d done before in the church. Once the retching calmed down, he pressed a kiss to the top of my shoulder and beelined it for the kitchen to make me food, knowing it was what I needed. I’d expected a bowl of cereal or maybe a piece of fruit, but I eventually emerged (after rigorously brushing my teeth) to find him shirtless at the stove, spatula in hand.
“Ava, it’s okay,” he says gently. Calmly.
“No, it’s not! If Maeve knows, we can safely assumeeveryoneknows. That woman is the literal nucleus of gossip in this god-forsaken town.”
“Maybe she doesn’t know for sure,” he tries. “Maybe it was just a guess.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m wearing your shirts, which are baggy enough not to show anything. And she knows better than to stir up somethingthatbig if it’s possible there isn’t truth to it. I don’t understand the ‘you might be married but there’s no hiding your sins’ comment, like, what was that shit?”
His lips twitch. “Well, I think she probably assumes the baby is mine. That we . . . conceived before we were married. Which—to be fair, Ava—is a fair assumption considering we’ve only been married for five minutes.”
“Oh my god, a baby out of wedlock, fucking cry me a river. And I’m sorry,” I say, closing my eyes as hormone-raged bursts of light shoot inside my brain. “Are you asking me to befairto the damn woman who just verbally accosted us during a perfectly decent lunch? She ruined my burger—ruined my whole appetite!—and now I’m gagging over a porcelain throne in the middle of the night like a frat boy.”
Kasey tries hard to fight his smile, but it’s a losing battle. I, on the other hand,cannotseem to do away with this intense anger. “What did you think was gonna happen, sugar?” he asks. “You’re my wife, and you’re pregnant. Of course people are going to think she’s mine.”
My mind snags on his use of the wordsheas a bright solar flare of joy crashes through me, briefly soothing over all the anger. And yet: “I didn’t expect the fucking doctor to violate one of the most important laws of his whole practice and tell Maeve about my pregnancy. Do you think she pays him for intel? Fucking crooked witch.” I cover my face in my hands and groan. “I didn’t expect to have to answer questions about this until well after . . .” I trail off. Oops.
Kasey’s eyes blaze. “Until after what, Ava?”
I sigh. Pick up my fork and stuff egg into my mouth. Look up at the ceiling.
“Ava.” He sits back in his chair. A picture of patience. “Until afterwhat?”
“Until after we annul this marriage.”
There’s no mistaking the hurt that sweeps over his expression. But he doesn’t let it deter him from stating the obvious. “That may be so, but you’re right. If Maeve knows, I’m sure a lot of other people probably know now too. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that this is going against your plans, Ireallyam. But let’s look at it from another angle. You’re going to be a mother. There is a baby inside of you with the most beautiful, non-taloned feet I’ve ever fucking seen.FuckMaeve. The only way her bullshit works is if she actually gets under your skin. Don’t let her get under your skin, Ava.”
My eyes burn with a well of tears, and I worry that if I let myself start crying, it’s going to take a good long while before I’ll be able to stop. Kasey doesn’tgetit . . . He doesn’t see why people assuming the baby is his isreckless. I know he means well—god, his heart is so good. Sometimes I can’t stand how good he is.
I force down a deep breath and try to make him understand. “I’m already taking so much from you, Kasey,” I eventually get out. “It’s not that I want to keep the baby a secret forever—I know there’s a ticking clock with this. And I think it’s beautiful that you want to help with her, I really do. But I wanted time to figure things out. I wanted time to establish what the next year of my life is going to look like before saying anything to anyone else. If the whole town thinks the baby is yours . . . it just makes things harder.”
He looks at me for a long, long while.
“Your doctor didn’t violate HIPAA,” he eventually says, tone devoid of all its usual warmth. He sounds downright dejected.It twists inside my heart. “That was Maeve’s great-niece in the lobby. She must have recognized us.”
I deflate. “I didn’t even notice anyone else in there.”
“Understandable.” He looks down. Like he can’t bear to look at me, to face my words head-on. “You were pretty focused on generating power through all that fidgeting.”
I hurt him, and he’s still trying to make me smile.
God, I don’t deserve him. Which is exactly why I need to stop him from hurling himself at my problems.
“Kasey, I’m not . . .” I start, fumbling. Nervous. “I’m not saying I don’t want this. I’m not saying I don’t want you.”
“Okay.” He nods once. “What are you saying?”
“I just . . . I don’t want you to have to keep cleaning up my messes. I don’t want the town to look at you and judge you for burdens that aren’t yours to bear. To just let you take responsibility for this, so quickly, feels like a bad idea. Like someday you might hate me for it.”
“Ava, I’m not trying to rope you into saying something that’s out of touch with reality. I know I didn’t put that baby in your belly. I’m not asking you to lie about that, or to give me something you’re not willing to give me. I know you can do this on your own.” He takes a steadying breath, and looks at me like there’s nothing else he’d ever want to look at again. “Since I met you, I’ve beendesperateto take care of you. Borderline out of my mind with a need to honor you and protect you and— and even when you’re terrorizing me with your stubborn fucking brattiness, you’re all I want. You make my world spin, sugar. And I want you to know what it is to be truly, deeply, madly loved. Youandall your messes. Without conditions.”
There’s no stopping the tears now. They flow down my skin with the force of a torrential downpour. Because Idoknow what it is to be truly, deeply, madly loved. And it’s all because of him.
It’s the exact thing that terrifies me most.
