His hand tightened on mine. “Is it someone I know?”
I closed my eyes—god, they burned—and nodded. If I cried one more time, my eyelids might crack and crumble off my face.
His words were careful. “You don’t have to tell me who it was. You owe me nothing in all of this.”
“I know,” I whispered. “I’m afraid you’ll be mad at me.”
I opened my eyes to find Colton’s as big as saucers. “Let me get one thing straight: you did nothing wrong. Whoever did this to you, they are the problem. And I don’t care if it’s my closest friend. They’re dead to me.”
This was safe. As safe as I was going to get in this scenario. Colton of all people wanted me to be okay. I could tell him.
I buried my face in my hands, then dragged my fingertips down each side of my face. I took one, two, then three breaths to prepare. “It was your goalie.”
Colton’s jaw popped, an audible click. Then his voice sounded like I’d never heard him before. Dark. Lifeless. Homicidal. “Doyle?”
I gave an almost-imperceptible nod.
His next words were slow, calculated. “I will fucking kill him.”
I leaned against the headrest on his very comfortable passenger seat, arms buzzing from what was probably hyperventilation.
Colt started talking fast. “We could put him in jail. We could file a civil suit. We could get him thrown out of the league. You’d get a settlement?—”
“Colt, no.” My voice was firm. “I appreciate everything, but no. My goal is to move on. Work toward a normal life again. Heal.”
His chin trembled. “That motherfucker deserves to pay. What kind of fucking sicko?—”
“The only way he would pay is if I came forward and . . . I don’t think I can do that. It’s like reliving it all over again. And you know how things go out in the world when people report it.”
He seemed to snap out of his rage, sitting back and rubbing his forehead. “You’re right. You’re right. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to be constantly reminded of it. Whatever you want is the right decision.”
He was quiet, and I gave him a minute to let it all sink in. He stared at the console between us on his next question. “Was that time your first time?”
My lips quivered. I hadn’t even touched this part with my therapist yet. We hadn’t made it that far. I nodded and Colt dragged his hand over his eyes.
“I rewrote it in my head. I should have gotten a choice. And if I’d gotten to choose, it would have been you. I told you that you were my first because that’s what I really wanted.”
Colton’s eyes filled with tears, the trails running down his face. Then he just lost it. He climbed to his knees in the driver seatand bent so he could hold me as tightly as possible. We stayed that way for a long time, heavy sobs pouring from this man I loved. My first love. My only love. “Fuck, Violet. I’m so fucking sorry.”
I nodded. “I know. It’s not your fault.”
He was still crying when he pulled back from our hug. My back throbbed from the awkward position, but we needed this. We needed to come to terms with this. I used the backs of my fingers to wipe away his tears.
“You gave me a gift,” I said. “You gave me what everybody deserves.”
I’d always remember my first time with Colton fondly. We’d already done the other things, but it was all still relatively new to me. I was nervous. I wanted to do it before winter break, but he didn’t want to have sex with me and then bail. He wanted to make sure he gave me a good experience, even in the days after.
He did all the things he thought he was supposed to do, even if they were cheesy. He made sure his roommates were gone so no one would bother us. He lit candles. He put on soft music. He took his time undressing me and warming me up, teasing me with his hands and mouth. He let me touch him however I wanted to. He encouraged me to say what I was feeling, to push him where I wanted him to go. Colton even used lube even though god knows I didn’t need it. I was dying to have him by the time it came down to it.
Everybody deserves that kind of first time. And to my knowledge, he never told his friends I was a virgin. I put out the reputation that I wasn’t, and he wasn’t about to ruin that for me.
“It’s my honor to be your first, Violet. It was then, and it still is now. If you want that time to be your first time,then it was.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, renewed tears flowing down my cheeks. “You were the best. That was such a sweet night.”
He smiled wistfully, wiping his own tears away. “You were perfect. I’ll never forget it.” He paused, then lifted my hand to kiss the back of it. “I’m here for you, Vi. No matter what.”
“You have no idea what that means after everything.” We both made use of some tissues, laughing at what a mess we’d become. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, but know that I’m sorry.”
