Shaky breaths rocked through me as I struggled to get my composure.
I couldn’t keep running. I lost Colton twice because of this. And if I ever wanted to have him again, I needed to deal with this, to face it once and for all. For all I knew, he was in a relationship, being happy like I told him to. He deserved that.
And I deserved to not suffer from this pain anymore.
I didn’t want to remember it, but pushing it down wasn’t doing me any favors.
I needed to get help.
And maybe then, I’d deserve to be back in Colton’s life again. He left the door open for me, offering unconditional friendship. In two years, I hadn’t taken him up on that, even though I desperately wanted him. It would have been selfish of me to torture him more. If things were the same as they’d been, I’d inevitably hurt him again.
If I wanted to break the cycle, I had to do the hard part. I was close enough to finishing school now. I was in a better place to handle whatever fallout may come from this, the thing I’d stuffed down since it happened.
Butstuffing it down never really worked, and Colton suffered the most because of it.
The thought of facing the pain made the mini-quiches in my stomach stir. I picked up my phone to placate myself with some mindless scrolling. I was left unsatisfied by first one app, then another. I resorted to the one I rarely used, one I hadn’t posted on in years but occasionally lurked on.
There was a new photo at the top of my feed. A picture from Colton’s mom with both of them tagged. They stood at the edge of Lake Superior, arms around each other while Colt held the camera for a selfie. “Seeing our boy off to another season.”
Colt and his mom were so sweet to each other, a peak mama’s boy, but not in a weird way. Just a mutual love and respect that warmed my heart. And his mom was the kind of woman who extended that to everyone in Colt’s life, wanting to share the joy of her son with others.
I put a heart on the picture, but I didn’t scroll away. I examined Colt’s eyes, the ease in his smile. My stomach dipped at the thought of seeing him again. I wanted his sweetness, but he’d have every reason to be upset with me.
But he’d be notified that I liked the picture.
The messaging within the app chimed. Oh god, was it him? That fast?
Janice Jones
hey sweetie
hope you’re good. miss you.
I could pretend I never saw it. The impulsive, self-preserving side of me wanted to close the app and delete it. But I loved Colton’s mom. My own mom was right down the hall, and as much as I would have loved to get comfort from her, I’dprobably get some tough love “buck up” speech and be sent on my way. Her history of comforting me was fraught with an overall sentiment that it would end someday and I needed to toughen up if I was going to make it in this cruel world.
It’s not like that hadn’t served me. She was partially right: people are cruel and sometimes that’s how the cookie crumbled. But I craved the compassion that other parents gave so freely. Usually, my dad was the softer one, but only by a small margin. He made his displeasure clearly known when I deviated from his expectations. It’s not that he wasn’t proud of me, or that they together weren’t proud of me. But I hadn’t followed the plan, and among their peers, that made it looked like they had failed somehow. I was a reflection on them, instead of an individual person with my own motivations and desires.
But that wasn’t Colton’s mom. Janice was the walking definition of softness and compassion. I wouldn’t be able to tell Janice what I was going through, but I could take comfort in Colt’s mom’s tenderness.
VIOLET GENNARI
miss you too. I’m good. how are you?
JANICE JONES
i’d be better if you came up to the lake with us soon
VIOLET GENNARI
Colt said something about that a couple years ago
JANICE JONES
invitation’s still open. come up next weekend?
VIOLET GENNARI
would if i could :). i’m in newport for Maya’s baby shower
