I always find a deep beauty in the most broken things.
And he won’t be an exception.
Healing ourselves
We drive to our hotel in silence. All the emotions experienced the past hours get to me, until a point I sink into sleep, letting the nightmares of my past awakened.
A memory I tried to forget poisoned my mind, and no matter how hard I try to wake up, I cannot.
“I love you…” Stephan whispers, squeezing my hand. Love, a magical word. A word no one has ever said to me. “But, if you don’t change, you know it won’t work, right my sweet? I love you, but you need to make efforts for us, right?” He cups my cheek, and I nod. If Stephan doesn’t share your beliefs, they are therefore wrong.
But he loves me, that’s all that matters, even if he has been criticizing a few of my actions. I couldn’t understand why as it was a part of who I am; “you stayed home all day you could have cleaned”, “painting is useless, you should focus on us”, “why are you so shy and awkward?”, “the way you think is stupid”, “she’s just a friend stop being insecure”… In those fights, I feel like the only one who has to change. God, I’m making so many mistakes… he is the one working late hours at the office, while I’m working as an underrated writer for a gossip magazine. He has a lot on his mind, so I try to avoid conflict. I hate that we fight about my incapacity of not being the woman he wants, no matter how hard I try to solve us. But he loves me. I’m certain that no man will treat me the way he does, I couldn’t afford to lose him. After all, he is the only one there for me. My mother loves him. She’s her ideal son-in-law and hopes that someday we get married.
“I love you, too, Stephan.” Do I really love him? I don’t think so. I wish, but I’ve been conditioned to never feel love. I feared all men would be like my father. My mother trained me to seduce without caring after she destroyed the remaining pieces of my soul. Love is a sign of ownership, but Stephan is different.
He glances at my Angelo Di Romeo. “That painting will have to go when we live together.”
“You know I love this painting, Stephan.” He already convinced me my paintings were a waste of time—or it’d be just for fun, not a real career.
“Oh, my sweet… you know it’s childish. It’s just a painting. Me, I’m real.” He cups my cheeks before kissing me tenderly. “I’m exhausted, I have been working all day.”
Stephan falls onto my couch, opening his arms to hug me. Hugs have become rarer with him, and just this simple gesture makes me the happiest. And I, too, have a surprise for him. Underneath my jogging pants and my sweater, I have on black lace lingerie. I want to feel the lust in his eyes. I sit next to him and throw my sweater over my head, biting my lower lip. He scans my bra with an unreadable expression.
“Do you like it? The vendor woman told me it was a hit,” I say coyly, pretending I’m some kind of model.
He snorts. “For a woman with breasts, yeah,” he says while looking at his phone. Every nerve and fiber tense inside me. I’ve never felt unconfident before about my body, but then again, the only man I’ve been with is Stephan. I lost my virginity to him, and yet, I thought I’d impress him more, naked.
“Don’t look at me like that, my sweet. You know I’m joking, right?” I might know it, but his mean jokes about my body make me feel worthless. I’m probably overreacting, but I feel put down. He cups both of my breasts with his hands, pulling them out like a push-up bra or a boob job would do. “Hmm. Like that—perfect.” He laughs, and I decide to put my sweater back on.
That’s the thing with Stephan. Sometimes, he is perfect, giving me gifts and sweet attention—in public—but sometimes I feel the need to be someone else to be able to handle his criticism. Is that what relationships are?
“Come here.” He opens his arms, and I simper. I pose my head into his chest as he caresses my hair. Love. I want to believe in it.
But then suddenly, he unzips his pants and pushes my head toward his cock. I pull back immediately. “You know I don’t like giving head, Stephan… I’m not in the mood.” Truth is, I thought sex would be better. People talked about it, but as for me, I found it… boring. We have sex often, but it’s mostly because I know he’ll be happy after.
“I don’t understand. Other women like to do it, it’s a normal thing. Come on, Elle.” He strokes himself. Being with Stephan has made me realized I’m probably frigid. I want to overcome that—someday, with time. Giving head is a repulsive thing for me. It makes me feel owned.
“Can we have sex or cuddle instead?”
“Elle, I had a rough day today. I just want a release. Come on, just a minute, my sweet?” He holds my hand before putting it on his cock to stroke himself. “Elle, I love you and I never want to cheat on you, but at some point, you need to please me, or I’ll end up making a mistake someday. And we don’t want that, right?” He poses his hand behind my head, caressing my hair. “I’m doing everything for us. I’m pleasing you, I’m the one who’s making all the efforts.”
I swallow and nod as I approach with my mouth, ready to take him. He’s your boyfriend, Elle, you can do this. Plus, I don’t want to be alone.
He pushes inside my mouth without a warning, pulling my head brutally to his cock for me to take him whole, not caring that he’s choking me.
And I suck and feel humiliated.
No.
“Ma belle?” The voice of Aaron brings me back to reality. I open my eyes, hoping the ghost of Stephan disappeared fully. “Are you okay?”
My breath has quickens, and I nod, noticing we’re parked in front of the hotel. “Sorry, nightmare.”
Stephan is gone.
You are not the same woman anymore.
He can’t get to you.
