A spark in the darkness
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
My fists tighten, my pulse is accelerating, it’s too high. I close my eyes. I got this. Aaron is sitting next to me, not noticing my anxiety as we are going higher and higher on the Ferris wheel. I should have told him I’m afraid of heights, but I wanted to prove that I am stronger than my fears. And now, my small drop of courage leads me to the verge of having a heart attack. Even children are on the Ferris wheel, I can’t be that weak. I look down, my fists gripping the bar tighter.
“Are you okay?”
I nod and manage a fake, unconvincing smile. I can’t show him I’m scared of a kiddy attraction. I need to change the subject. “Aren’t you afraid of death when you race?”Hey, Aaron, let’s talk about death on a first date.Not that I’m anxious to die on the Ferris wheel.
“No.” He shrugs.
“Why?” How could he not? One bad maneuver. One mistake. One second. And he could die. He is putting his life in danger willingly.
“I have nothing to lose. It’s even thrilling to defy death during each race.” He stares at me, trying to read my reaction.
“What’s so thrilling about it? And what if one day you lose against death?” I can’t believe he isn’t scared. Every person would be scared, but then again, he is Wolf.
“To be in control. It doesn’t matter if I lose or if I win, what matters is that I forget.” I meet his tenebrous gaze, wondering what happened to him. Why is he so—
“No!” I yell in horror as the Ferris wheel stops at the highest point. I’m stuck in my worst nightmare. I start to panic, moving my hands stressfully. My mouth vibrates with fear, my muscles shaking. I hear the sound of the creaking metal pieces, there must be a problem. Something is wrong. I close my eyes, hoping it’s just a nightmare and that I will wake up soon.
“Look at me,” Aaron orders with calmness and control.
I shake my head on my knees, incapable of opening my eyes. “I can’t. I’m scared, I can’t—” I try to deny the tears of fear sliding down my cheeks. This is humiliating. I wish Aaron could be gone, that he didn’t have to witness my poor self paralyzed by fear. My whole body is trembling, I don’t hear the music of the fair anymore, trapped in my own nightmare.
Aaron’s hand reaches for mine, twining our fingers together. I tighten my grip on his hand, squeezing him, knowing that he probably regrets pursuing me. The strong wind hurling. Our cabin shaking. Metal cracking like death knocking at your door. No. No.
“Come closer to me.” He is so serene, while I’m collapsing into my demons. He leads our hands closer to his body as an invitation.
Without thinking, I crash brutally on his torso. He offers me his chest to lie my head on, wrapping his arms around me. He caresses my back as I toughen my hold around his waist. He seems unbreakable—his body is strong, his expression cold as ice and yet his touch is comforting and caring. And I let myself go. I cry, letting my anxiety out, reviving a painful memory. I hold Aaron tightly, fearing he will abandon me. I don’t want to be alone again.
My eight-year-old self is trapped in an endless nightmare of her past, in a memory she wishes to forget. The memory that started her downfall. A memory that left her with an incurable fear.He said he would catch me.I swallow my tears, my hands clutching Aaron’s shirt at the memories haunting my mind.He told me to jump. Two meters.Why didn’t you catch me?I jumped. I jumped, and he wasn’t there to catch me. I fell. My nightmare. I need to forget this. I snap out of my thoughts when I feel Aaron’s touch bringing me back to reality.
Silently, he caresses my hair softly with the tips of his fingers, his other arm squeezing me closer to him. With my body attuned to the proximity of his, I don’t feel alone anymore.He catches me. He is here.And just like that, my past self feels protected, secured. For the first time in years, I actually feel like I’m not alone anymore. I forget the heights, I forget where I am, and our heartbeats connect in symbiosis.
“Take a long breath, hold it for three seconds, and exhale slowly. Count to ten,” he commands while continuing to brush my hair. I do as he says, and I feel my heart calming itself. “Good. Now, try to remember a peaceful memory, or a place. Do not think about what could go wrong.” I nod.
A few minutes later, I have enough courage to open my eyes and move my head up to face him. His gaze is dark, mysterious and… concerned. I lose myself in reading his tormented soul, and I understand something. He knew. He understood. The way he calmed me down in a couple of minutes, the way he wasn’t judging me, mocking me. He had lived through something similar. A traumatic experience.
“You are safe.” His voice is grave and powerful, for an instant it is just us. No game. No hiding. He erases the trace of my mascara on my cheeks with his finger gently. “Nothing will happen to you. I promise.”
His fingers trail a path along my jaw as I open my mouth, my eyes still wet from my tears. I pull my face closer to him, begging him to kiss me. Our lips are a few inches from colliding together… but the force of the universe acts against us.
The Ferris wheel starts working again, pushing us closer to the ground, away from my fear. We immediately pull away from each other’s embrace, pretending this moment never happened. It was a sign. He isn’t meant to be my Prince Charming, we aren’t meant to kiss. But he is meant to ease my soul, to take away my darkness—he is the troubled knight.
“Thank you, Aaron.” My voice betrays my embarrassment for being so vulnerable. “And I’m sorry… I’m sorry for being a mess. I’m just… I panicked.”
“You don’t have to apologize. It was actually pretty brave of you to face your fear tonight.” He’s becoming himself again, his expression impenetrable.
I had a glimpse of Aaron’s humanity. His touch felt so protective, gentle, while usually he is led by a demanding hunger, a controlling behavior, and a heated passion. Tonight, I’m discovering another side of Wolf.
“I really can’t figure you out, Aaron.”
I recover my emotions and we are back in the middle of the fair attractions, eating churros. We have conquered the arcade games, and he won a stuffed toy, ready to bring to life the “Ferris cliché date,” as he called it, but what he hadn’t anticipated was the little girl crying because she couldn’t get her unicorn. He offered her the unicorn, and that gesture made me happier than any stuffed toys he could have won for me. I couldn’t be more convinced that there is more to Aaron than he’s letting us know. I’m sure of it. Which makes him even more dangerous and hard to resist.
The broken man rescuing less broken people.
We arrive at the claw crane machine. I notice a teddy bear key ring wearing a racing suit.That would be perfect for Aaron. I take Aaron’s hand and lead him toward the arcade machine, a corny smile on my face.
