“You think …” She slapped a hand over her mouth to keep from shouting obscenities, or saying something she didn’t mean. Instead, she simply stared at him, her rage slowly simmering beneath the surface of her barely controlled mask. Did he truly think she was that much of a selfish, cruel woman? She understood that she had broken his heart by betraying him, by proving that she wasn’t on his side the entire time, and that she hadn’t been loyal to his cause, but he wasn’t morally above her, either. He had acted as her warden. He had killed her family members in the coup. He had captured her in order for her to face the emperor’s wrath.
Why was she the only one to wear the burden of guilt? Even now he doubted her.
“Do you think I waited here this entire time, crying over your beaten and worn body, changing the bandages on your wounds, and worrying over and over again—formysake?” She had tried to say it calmly, but it came out harsh and shrill.
Nikator’s expression remained unchanged. His answer hung in the air.Yes.
Her fury faded, replaced with a deep sadness. He still didn’t trust her. He thought that this, too, was another ploy of hers.
“No,” she answered softly. “If I wanted to run, I would have run after the first day when I bandaged your wounds. I still have the opportunity to run now. You wouldn’t be able to catch me.”
“You’re right,” he murmured, eyes closing. “You could run now.”
It almost sounded like he wanted her to do just that. He wasn’t a man who trusted often, and now that she had broken his trust, it seemed like it was irreparable. But she wanted to prove to him that she loved him.
Biyu touched his hand hesitantly. He glanced over at her sharply, and she said, “I’ll be here until you’re strong enough to leave. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to make sure you’re safe.”
His mouth hardened. “Butwhy?”
“You already know why. You’re just too stubborn to see it.” She blinked away the stinging in her eyes. She didn’t want to keep crying, especially when that was all she ever did. “You know that I could have run away at any time. I didn’t have to nurse you back to health. I know you’re strong enough to survive anything, Nikator. So if I really was a cruel and manipulative woman, I wouldn’t have stayed by your side this entire time. Youknowthat.”
The silence was heavy, the air crackling with tension. Biyu fidgeted with the sleeve of her dress while Nikator stared at the ceiling; he suddenly appeared even more exhausted, like this was all too much for him. Biyu felt the same. However, her exhaustion was coupled with the crushing realization that no matter what she did, they could never go back to how they’d been. Their bond was too fractured to put back together. And he didn’t believe her when she said she loved him.
Why couldn’t he just believe her? She wanted him to believe her so badly it hurt. She had never wanted anything so much.
Lies, a small part of her mind whispered.You’ve wanted him just as badly.
Maybe she was just a liar after all, but she wanted him, she wanted him to believe her, she wanted to be in his arms again. She wanted him to breathe her name. She wanted to love him, to be loved by him?—
“Princess …” He shattered her thoughts, bringing her back to the moment. Back to the dank, dark room with the flickering flame in the hearth, the smell of medicinal herbs and sweat. Back to those heated eyes boring holes in to her.
“Yes?” She inched closer to him to hear him better. She hated how she clung to his every word, his every breath, like it would kill her. Like it would undo her.
He exhaled deeply, lips pursing together. “What is it that you want from me? Do you wish to plague my very life for the rest of eternity?”
Whatever she’d thought he was going to say, that wasn’t it. She blinked at him slowly, unable to rip her gaze away. She waited for him to deny it, to say it was an accident, but he simply stared and waited for her answer.
Biyu wetted her lips and she noticed the way his attention skated down to her mouth. She didn’t miss the way a dark desire unfurled in those cold blue eyes. But it was hidden away just as fast, as if it was never there in the first place.
“I want … I want?—”
Words failed her. What did she want from him?
She could feel his gaze boring into hers as she struggled to come up with an answer. Truthfully, she wanted so many things with him, and yet it was unreasonable. They were simply fantasies.
She wanted him. All of him. Forever.
She wanted to have a family with him.
She wanted to be his wife—truly. Not because of the magicked bond, the wayward spell, the circumstances that had thrust them together. She wanted to be his.
But these were all fantasies that were forbidden for her. She couldn’t say the words out loud, no matter how much she wanted to. He would laugh. He would shake his head at her stupidity. He would think she was dreaming of nonsense.
She feared his reaction more than she feared those words spilling out from her, as if speaking them out loud would make them feel more real. That having them out in the world would make them even more impossible to her ears. And the loss she would feel at realizing that was too much.
