Her eyebrows crunch, her face twists. "Achilles, where is this going? Either tell me the truth or leave. I didn't spend years building myself back together for you to tear it all apart again."
"That morning, I was ready to die, Nyx. I wanted the deliverance. I texted Wren where my hard drive was and the password to access everything. And then I went to the garage, and I died with a smile on my face, knowing you’d be out of the Circle and that you and Sophie would be safe forever. That's it. That was my plan. It felt good, right. But then I woke up in a fucking body bag in an ambulance."
Her eyes widen.
"Turns out, I'm good at a lot of things, but hanging myself isn't one of them. They thought I was dead. I thought I was dead,trust me. But I wasn't. They took me to the hospital, and all I asked was to get on the phone with you. For them to tell you that I was okay. Coming this close to death taught me a lesson. I never wanted to do it again. The idea of never seeing you again felt like ripping my own heart out. But they didn't call you. Instead, Detective Turner showed up. Remember her?"
"Yeah, yeah, of course I do. I remembereverything."
"That detective is aiming to be a special agent one day, and she's going after every criminal organization out there. She'd heard about the Circle but had never been able to prove anything until she learned from an informant that I was Hermes. She knew everything came from me and told me I had to go into witness protection."
She gasps. "You went into witness protection?"
"No," I snort. "I told her I wanted to see you and tell you what was going on, but she said for everyone's safety, I had to stay dead until every single last person she was going after was brought to justice. She wanted me out of the way so it wouldn’t cause absolute chaos after the operation. So I had to disappear, or the people I hadn’t put on the files, our friends andyou, were going down with the rest of the Circle."
I see the understanding in her eyes. The last Shadow was indicted this morning. That's why I was at her graduation this afternoon. I wasn’t going to wait one more minute.
"So where did she send you?"
"I bargained with her. Told her I'd give her even more info if she let me go to France to be with Sophie. And she did."
I take her hand in mine, and continue. "Nyx, that night in the forest, I instinctively chose you over seeing Sophie again. That morning at the hospital, I chose her to save you both. Both times, I didn't think, I acted. And once I told Turner I accepted her deal, I knew I wouldn't see you until the Circle was truly eradicated. All I asked was for her to put a note in the ring boxin my violin case, and to give another to you saying she’d found it with me. That's the only communication I was allowed, and I couldn't make it obvious that I was communicating anything to you, least of all that I was alive."
I take her left hand, playing with the engagement ring on my finger.
"You got it, didn't you? My spelling mistake. You knew something was up."
"I thought I did at first," she admits. "But I only kept on dreaming to keep your memory alive, Achilles. After some time, I thought I’d made it up, that you were just in pain that day and made a mistake."
"And yet," I say playfully, "you said yes."
"Yes to what?" she asks softly.
I bring her hand in front of her face. "To marrying me."
She desperately attempts to stop herself from smiling. "You didn't ask."
"Oh, but I did. You knew I did."
"You didn't ask, Achilles."
I get the hint, and I pull the ring off her finger.
"Nyx Mayer, if, like me, you believe we’ve had enough ups and downs in our relationship, and that you're ready to simply love each other until the end of time, will you marry me?"
"Are you getting help?"
My questioning gaze has her continuing. "For your depression. Your suicidal thoughts. Are you getting help? You might have survived, but youtried. And that’s too important to ignore."
I’m a little shocked by how straightforward she is. I guess that’s what happens when you have to survive on your own. My little scaredy cat has turned into a lioness, and she’s not afraid to protect herself anymore.
I nod. "Yes. Therapy. Pills. I’m getting help. I wanted to be a fully present dad for Sophie, and I wanted to achieve something while I was away from you, to come back better than when I left. And I am, baby. I promise I am. I keep the darkness at bay, I take my medication, and I’m seeing someone. Will I forever feel good? I can't promise that. But I can promise I'll give it my best."
Tears run down her face as she nods. "I can never go through that day again, that pain. You don't understand…"
"I'm sorry." I kiss one tear away, then another, and before she knows it, I'm covering her face in kisses. Whispering how sorry I am in between each.
She falls on her back, giggling. "Okay, okay. I get it!"
