I ventured down to the ground floor apartment of my house. CJ was at Mom and Dad's, so I sat on the floor and pulled one of the boxes from her Missouri apartment over to me and sliced it open. The familiar smell of her perfume hit me, enveloping me like a welcoming hug as I began to sift through its contents.
Mrs. Buckley, Crystal's landlady, was gracious enough to pack up Crystal's apartment and ship its contents. Every item was wrapped with care.
In one box, I discovered photos of Crystal and Deacon. There was a note in the box. Crystal had apparently involved her landlady in her secret life and Mrs. Buckley concealed the photos of Deacon before the police searched her apartment. I flipped through an album filled with pictures of them in high school wearing terrible nineties fashion. There were newer photos of my birth parents as adults. In a few of them, Crystal was cradling a baby bump. There were photos of CJ as an infant in Deacon's arms. I set aside a framed photograph of the three of them taken on CJ's first birthday to put in his nursery.
I spent the rest of the afternoon opening and examining the contents of every box, getting to know the mother I was only beginning to understand. I spent so much of my life resenting Crystal, but spending the last six months falling in love with CJ and Lisa gave me an insight that provided the final key to unlock the part of my heart that I thought I would never access. I'd always thought of Crystal trying her best to give me a good life, but she didn't just try. She did it. Every hard decision she made gave me the life I have today: a life I wouldn't trade for anything.
Crystal's letters to me were piled in an unruly heap in the top drawer of the dresser in the bedroom. I dug my hand in and scooped them out in one handful. I put them in order by the postmark, opened the first one, and as I began to read, the first tears that I'd shed for the mother I lost fell onto the pages.
lisa
thirty
“Merry Christmas, mija!”
"Merry Christmas, Mami" It was too early for this. The last week of the tour was particularly brutal. I'd been having trouble sticking to my diet because it was hard to find foods I could eat. I was barely getting enough sleep, and the only thing that wasn't suffering was my performance. Somehow, I always managed to pull it together for the show. Afterward, I would fall apart. Most of all, I was missing Cole and CJ while seriously regretting joining this tour. CJ's adoption hearing was in two days, and Cole won't even talk to me about it.
“I can’t believe you have to work today. It’s Christmas.”
"Well, Mami, people go to the theater on Christmas. We only have one show, so it's not too bad."
"Guess where I am," she asked, and her question confused me.
“I don’t know. Where are you?”
“Hold on.”
“Hola, mi viejita.”
"Abuelita?" I sighed, and my eyes filled with tears. I've been on the verge of tears most of the time lately, so this shouldn't have been that surprising.
“Claro que si, mi amor. ¿A quién más estabas esperando?” She laughed and I laughed. I didn’t know who I was expecting, but I was so glad to hear her voice.
"¿Cómo están mi abogado sexy y mi muñequito?" I could hear the smile in her voice as she asked about Cole and CJ and listening to her terms of endearment for them made my heart clench as more tears welled in my eyes.
“Muy bien, Abuelita. ¿Y tú?”
“Siempre estoy bien pero te extraño a ti y a tu pequeña familia.”
I wanted to tell her that I also missed my little family, but instead, I let her know that we missed her, too, and asked to speak to my mother.
“So, Papi finally convinced you to come to Puerto Rico with him?”
"Well, I sent my book to my editor and I missed my family here. Your father most of all. And here I am." Her voice sounded full of the tranquility that comes with being in proximity to ones you love. Missing Cole and CJ has changed me, not to mention my demanding schedule and hormonal assaults. I've also missed my last two video conference therapy sessions. I was spiraling, and I couldn't tell Cole. He was already so stressed about the hearing. I didn't want to give him anything else to worry about.
“Mami, I have to go get ready for rehearsal. I love you and have so much fun with Abuelita. Eat all the food for me.”
“I love you, Lisa. Please take care of yourself.”
“I will.” I hated lying to my mother, but conversations with her were more overwhelming than usual. I actually had another hour before I had to go to rehearsal, but I needed a break.
My phone rang again. I rolled my eyes before picking it up. "Hey, baby, Merry Christmas," I said in my best facsimile of a cheerful voice.
“Merry Christmas, neighbor.”
My heart always did a little flip when he called me neighbor, though we’d come so far since the days when he would camp out on his stoop waiting for me to leave my apartment. “Where are you?” I closed my eyes and hoped he would give me a room number or say New Hampshire, so I wouldn’t have to spend Christmas without him, but those hopes were dashed.
“I’m in New York. CJ and I are on our way to Mom and Dad’s to open gifts.”
