“Don’t get ahead of yourself.” I clap him on the shoulder. “Hooking up doesn’t mean either of us is all in.” The words spill off my tongue with ease, though they taste a little sour. Especially after the wholefiguring it out as we goconversation.You don’t say that unless you want to make something work, right?
“Yeah, okay,” Axel sighs. “For what it’s worth, I like Blake. A lot. I just don’t want his secrets to dictate how you exist in this town.”
“You’re sure I’m going to agree to stay?”
“We haven’t lived apart for over ten years now,” he retorts, referencing everything from living together as kids to traveling together as part of the dirt bike circuit. “At this point I don’t think you know how to survive without me.”
“Yeah, which is whyyouare so desperate formeto come help you out.”
“Good help is hard to find,” he dismisses my comment the way only a brother can.
“And you need that help to do what exactly? I’m still not clear on that part.” I cross my arms in front of my chest and arch my brows, waiting. This ought to be good since Axel is more of a show up where you tell me to kind of guy than a build the whole plan kind of guy.
“Uh, anything and everything.” He runs a hand through his disheveled blond hair. “I’ve got contractors to do all the building stuff, and I’m solid on doing the training part, but as far as turning it into a working business I’m not really sure where to start.”
“You want me to be a desk guy?” My jaw falls halfway to the floor.
“It’s not like you don’t sit at a desk and watch film and shit all the time,” he deadpans, as if that makes perfect sense.
“Yeah—After I’ve been out filming it. I don’t… Hey, what if you film the kids who come to train? It could be a teaching tool and a souvenir.”
“Ooh, that’s good. Maybe you can even teach some kids how to film if they’re interested in that.”
“That’s good, too,” I agree. “But I’m not a desk guy. I don’t do legal shit and I sure as hell don’t do numbers. You gotta hire someone for that.”
“Fine, but you already do all the scheduling with sponsors and manage the logistics of moving the crew from event to event, so can’t you do stuff like that for the kids?” His puppy dog eyes had a greater impact on me when we were younger, and I sort of considered him my first guy crush, but even though he’s more brother than friend now I still can’t say no to the fucker, and he knows it.
I rub my hand over my face with a pained groan. “I really should make you do this yourself but since I have a feeling you don’t know what you don’t know, I’ll stick around and help you figure it out. For now.”
The grin that spreads across his face rivals the one he wore when he won his last competition. This must really mean a lot to him.
Axel holds his fist out for me to bump it. “It’s a good idea though, right? We can retire from biking without retiring from biking.”
I don’t have the heart to tell him that I could stay filming in the industry a lot longer than he could stay riding in it. Instead, I say, “Yeah. It’s a good idea.”
***
After telling Blake about my day, and how I’m going to stay at least for a little while to see what sort of potential is in this bike training thing, I bury myself inside him until we’re both sated and spent. That’s when Axel’s warning about secrets impacting my life comes back.
I meant what I said about not rushing Blake into exposing a side of himself he’s not ready for other people to know about. No matter how much you speculate or try to predict the outcome, you can never really anticipate how people will react. There’s a certain comfort in never having to find out what the reality would look like. And if the realitythat follows him revealing his truth isn’t what he expected… Well, I’d hate for him to feel like he was forced into coming out and regret it. I won’t be that guy. But given how easy things seem between us, I don’t want to find myself in a situation where I’m Blake’s dirty little secret, either.
While I may not be shouting about my sexuality from the rooftops, that doesn’t mean I’m hiding or ashamed of it. I don’t make it a point to label myself when the people I sleep with have no bearing on who I am as a person, but if anyone does label me, I’m comfortable with that. It doesn’t change who I am or how my closest friends and family see me, but that’s because I don’t have secrets from them.
Back when I was in Blake’s shoes, I remember feeling uncertain. I had to work up to a point where I felt ready to come out, and until I got there myself, nothing anyone said or did would have altered the timeline. Just like with any other big change in life, the only person who can tell you you’re ready for it is you. I know that better than anyone. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any easier to stomach the idea of trying to date someone you can’t acknowledge you’re dating.
I’ve heard horror stories about that; one guy being out while the other is still in the closet. The sneaking around, the lies that inevitably come with the secrecy, it wears on you, spoiling everything. That alone should be a red flag with Blake, but I don’t want to stop this before knowing if it could be genuine. Not when I feel a connection to him unlike anything I’ve experienced with another man. That said, I have no desire to live in the shadows. I’m willing to do it up to a point, if only to see how real this can be. But I’d need to know there’s an end in sight. Knowing why he’s still in the closet—the real reason, not just the label thing—would go a long way towards making me feel comfortable with his secrecy.
“Can I ask you a question?” I prop myself on an arm so I can face him lying next to me.
“Sure.”
“Why do you really keep your interest in guys private?”
A tiny line appears between his brows. “I told you, people talk in a small town, and I don’t want the extra attention.”
“Yeah.” I brush a strand of hair away from his face, something I can’t seem to stop myself from doing. “But you also talk about how much you love this place and the people here, and I’m not really following how you can feel at home here and not be yourself at the same time.”
Blake chews on his lip while staring at the ceiling for so long I start to think he won’t answer. Then he takes a deep breath. “I’m not afraid of people in general knowing I like guys, I’m afraid of the ones closest to me knowing.”
