Jace closes his eyes and takes a deep breath like he’s gearing up for a run on the track. Or to let me have it.
“You’ve kept people at arms-length your whole life. Even me. And I get why, Axel. You know I do. I’d probably do the same thing if I had your old man and had to juggle his bullshit with protecting my mom. But then you met Lennon, and suddenly you’re doing the opposite of what you’ve done for years. Instead of running away, you chased after him, and it’s like you became a different person. Not in a bad way.” He holds his hand up to stop me from objecting. “You seemed to stand taller, and you smiled more—a real smile like when you win a competition, not the stiff one like when people blow smoke up your ass about your talent and you aren’t really sure how to respond. But mostly, you seemed to have fun on the bike instead of using it as another way to escape. People don’t change like that for no reason. He’s your reason.”
The smart-ass retort I had lined up dies on my tongue. I always knew Jace was observant, you don’t become a great cameraman if you don’t possess that skill, but damn.
“Hewasthe reason,” I exhale, knowing the only way to end this conversation is to agree with him. “But that’s over now.”
“Your shit riding says you’re wrong. You aren’t ready to be done with him.” His eyebrows lift toward his hairline, daring me to object.
“My shit riding will pass. As for being done with him, as long as he’s not willing to make an equal amount of sacrifice to be together then yeah, I’m done with him.”
“What sort of sacrifices are we talking about?” He dumps my feet off the couch so he can sit at the opposite end.
“He won’t leave his precious restaurant long enough to come to any more of my events.” I hate that I sound like a toddler.
“Okay, so you want him to come cheer you on. What sacrifices would you make in return?”
“I’d go back to Katah Vista between events as often as possible. And I’d move there for the off season.”
He props his elbows on his knees and links his fingers together. “Sounds fair.”
“I thought so. But he wouldn’t even consider it.” I spring off the couch and start pacing even though I have to turn around after four steps in either direction. “He started on some bullshit about maybe when I was done with riding things would be different, but why should I have to give up everything for him?”
Jace’s eyes track me as I stomp back and forth. “You shouldn’t, and if your heart was still in these competitions, you wouldn’t. The fact that you can’t stay focused on them tells me they aren’t as important as they used to be.”
I pause and open my mouth to object, only the words don’t come. No matter how much I hate to admit it, the guy has a point. If competing was the most important thing in my life the shit happening with Lennon wouldn’t phase me.When did he become more important than my career? My title?Not that I’m ready to throw in the towel completely or anything—I can still hold my own out there and get a thrill from it—but that thrill doesn’t compare to the one I feel around Lennon.
True, I’d been thinking of slowing down even before I met him, and my feelings for him sort of sped up that thought process. But in my head that meant he was equally as important as my career, not more so. The fact that I can’t focus on my career suggests Jace is right, and it’s no longer the thing I really live for.Fuck.
“You look like you’re gonna pass out,” Jace looks me over with a wary eye.
“Feel like it, too” I mutter as I sink back into the couch. “What do I do, man? The season’s just starting, I can’t exactly walk away now. I’ve got sponsors to answer to, not to mention I employ a half dozen people to get my ass to these events and quitting on them isn’t right. Besides, I don’t want to. Not when I know I can win another title. But even knowing Icanwin one, part of me doesn’t give a shit if I do. What does that mean?”
“It means you shouldn’t get back on the bike until you figure shit out with Lennon. It’s too risky to throw the tricks you do if your head isn’t in it.”
“Now we’re back to the part where I have to give up everything to be with him.”
“Fuck, you’re melodramatic.” Jace shakes his head at me like I’m some sort of idiot. “Can you sit there and tell me you weren’t already thinking about retirement? If that’s true, then Lennon’s point about things being different afterward doesn’t sound so out of line.”
I feel my jaw drop open slightly. “How did you…?”
“How did I know? You’re basically my brother. And don’t forget, my job is to watch you on camera. It’s kind of hard not to notice your riding doesn’t have the same spark it used to.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” It takes all my effort not to scowl at him for keeping this from me.
“Because for a moment there I thought you got it back. Then I realized the spark was for him.” He meets my stare and holds it, daring me to object.Sometimes I hate that he knows me so well.
“Yeah, fine. It’s for him. That still doesn’t solve anything. My head’s too fucked up to get on the bike but I can’t walk away. Good talk.” I get up and start pacing again.
“It solves everything, dumbass. Go tell him you want to talk about the things being different part. Even if you have to wait a few monthsto really be with him, just knowing you can go back to him will probably cure your issues on the bike.”
I stop pacing and rub a hand over my face. “We’ve got to be in Texas in four days. There’s not enough time to get to Katah Vista and back to move the trailer.”
“Let me worry about the trailer.” He waves me away with a hand. “Get your ass on a plane first thing tomorrow and meet me in Texas before the competition.”
Swiping my phone off the counter I pull up my travel app to search tickets, pausing before I can finish typing. “If I retire, that affects you, too. Are you really good with that?”
“Axel, at this point it’s either be good with that or watch you kill yourself on the bike, so yeah, I’m good with having my brother around after this season.” He stands up and slings his arm around me, patting me exactly once on the back. Instead of letting him pull away, I fling my arms around him.
