Oh God, there were tears in her eyes. And they were in an infernally public place. He could not pull her into his arms here to comfort her. Did he want to anyway? She could not seem to look away from him. The tears were about to spill over onto her cheeks.
He pulled her arm through his and led her quickly from the floor onto a path that was a little darker, though fairly crowded with strollers. "I am sorry," he said. "There was absolutely no call for me to say that. It was quite unforgivable, in fact. Don't cry. Please." He handed her his linen handkerchief, which she took after some hesitation."
"I am sorry, Jane," he said again. "This should be one of the happiest nights of your life, and I am doing my best to spoil it for you. Please forgive me. You gave me a much-needed lesson in humility two weeks ago. I am not overused to rejection, and I am afraid I have been feeling rather angry with you. Let us be friends again, shall we? We were friends before I spoiled it all by offering for you, were we not? And we must be friends if you are to marry Sedge, you know. I quite refuse to lose his friendship, yet I must if I am at daggers drawn with his wife. Will you forgive me? And I do know that you are Jane Matthews, by the way. You are a very special person, I suspect, Jane. I envy Sedge. Have I set you to crying again? Come, I shall say nothing further. We shall merely turn around and stroll slowly back again. I see there are a few people in Joy's box now."
Before they reached the really public area in front of the dancing floor she had pushed his handkerchief into the pocket of her cloak. "Thank you," she said. "I should be happy to forget the awkwardness of the last two weeks. Will you really mind my coming to your home? I have never been more embarrassed in my life than when Joseph asked you so publicly to invite me."
He touched lightly the hand that was resting on his arm. "Please come," he said. "Sedge will not want to part from you so soon, and I want to show off my daughters to you. I am sure you will like them. You see what a fond father I am? I refuse to admit that anyone may consider them to be brats."
Did he feel happy or miserable as he handed her into the box and took his place beside Miss Jamieson? He had not known that one could feel both emotions simultaneously and over the same subject.
Chapter Nine
The following morning when Jane awoke, she was convinced for one moment that she must be seeing an apparition. Honor was in her room, fully dressed, pulling the window closed to shut out the morning chill.
"Oh, you are awake finally, Jane," she said brightly. "I did not wish to waken you, but I am sure that in another minute my patience would have failed me and I would have been shaking you and yelling in your ear." She smiled broadly.
Jane closed her eyes again. "What time is it?" she asked.
"Pastnine o'clock, slugabed," her cousin replied."Do wake up, Jane."
"Pastnine o'clockand you are up and dressed?"Jane said, eyes still closed."Has Aunt Cynthia sent for the physician yet, Honor?"
"Oh, do stop teasing this minute and get out of bed," Honor said. "There is so much to talk about, Jane. I am so happy for both you and myself that I could leap from the window."
Jane swung her legs over the side of the bed and sat up. "What a very strange idea," she said. "Honor, do go downstairs. I don't believe I can cope with your high spirits quite yet. Give me a quarter of an hour. I shall be in the breakfast room by then."
"Well," Honor said, hands on hips. "What a happy newly betrothed lady we have here! Are you always like this when you first wake up? Fifteen minutes it is, Jane. I cannot possibly wait any longer. I am fit to burst. And of course Mama will not be up for at least another hour." She wafted from the room as if on wings.
Jane rested her head in her hands for a minute. How many hours sleep had she had?Three?Four?She seemed to be making a habit of sleepless nights these days. Yes, she was newly betrothed.To JosephSedgeworth.How did she feel about that?Happy?She blanked her mind and tested her emotions. Yes, she was happy. He was a good man and an interesting companion. He respected her. He did not pretend to feel love for her, but he hadan affectionand a regard for her that amounted to almost the same thing. And she could feel the same way about him. Such a feeling was better than love. It was less painful.
It was not just a marriage of convenience for either of them. They would be good for each other. She would provide the companionship that he seemed to lack. He would provide her life with interest. She had never particularly craved travel and excitement, but she thought she would enjoy both with JosephSedgeworth. And she would have the emotional security of marriage.
She was not quite sure how she felt about the physical aspect of it. She could not say she had particularly enjoyed her first kiss the night before. But more important, she had not disliked it. She thought she would be able to perform her marriage duty without any great distaste. It might even be pleasant to know that one's person was desirable to a man. Perhaps they would have children. She did not know how Joseph felt about children, but she hoped that theirs would not be a childless marriage.
Yes, Jane decided, getting resolutely to her feet and crossing to her dressing room to select a dress, she had made the right decision. She was happy. She looked forward to seeing him that afternoon. If the weather was fine, he had said, he would take her walking after luncheon. And the weather was fine, though not sunny. She wanted to see him again in the light of day, knowing that he was now her betrothed. There was a lovely feeling of security about such a fact. He would be spending the morning, he had said, writing a letter to her papa. Strictly speaking, of course, he did not have to have anyone's permission to marry her, but he felt it a common courtesy at least to ask her father.
And next week they would be together almost all the time. They would be going to Templeton Hall. Of course! There always had to be something to come between a person and complete joy. She could tell herself with perfect truth that she had made the right choice, that she was happy to be betrothed to JosephSedgeworth, that she could expect a bright future of perfect contentment. It was all true. But at the back of it all was a dull ache. Viscount Fairfax.His daughters.Templeton Hall.Next week she would see exactly what she had rejected.
It was a nasty twist of fate that the man she had chosen to accept was a close friend of the viscount and that he had already arranged to visit Templeton Hall the following week. How she had been drawn into going there too, she was not quite certain. But there was no getting out of it now. Honor had been invited as a companion for her. Joseph had said that her presence was important to him, and Fairfax had agreed. And most important of all, perhaps, Fairfax had humbled himself in an apology to her and a plea that their friendship be resumed. She could not now refuse his invitation without making it seem as if she bore a grudge.
Jane twisted her arms to reach the awkward buttons at the back of her dress. She had chosen not to ring for a maid. She picked up a brush and began to tease some life into her curls.
She had found him so very attractive the night before.More so than ever.She had just agreed to marry another man, and yet she found herself aching with love for the one she had refused. It made no sense at all. When he had sneered at her on the dance floor she could have cried and cried. She had longed to put her arms up around his neck and her head on his shoulder and pour out all her feelings for him. She did not want him to misunderstand, to think her cold and calculating, perhaps.
And then hadcomehis kindness. He had walked her away from the crowds so that no one else would see how close to tears she was. And he had spoken to her as if her friendship mattered to him, almost as ifshemattered to him. He did know who she was, he had said. So he had understood what she had tried to say to him at the theater. He did know her as a person. She was not just any woman to him. She had tried very hard for the rest of the evening to be happy in her new betrothal. Indeed, she really had been happy. But all the time, throbbing away in the back of her mind, had been the knowledge that perhaps she need not have refused Lord Fairfax after all. She could be betrothed to the man she loved.
Useless thought! Jane dragged the brush through her hair and had to begin the teasing process all over again. It would not have worked anyway. Marriage to Lord Fairfax would not have worked. Always she would have fretted because her love for him far outmatched his affection for her. She could be quite contented with affection from Joseph. She would have always yearned for more than that from the viscount. There has to be equality of feeling in marriage, she persuaded herself: either love on both sides or respect and affection on both sides, but not a mixture. She had definitely chosen the right man.
"Jane!" The opening of the door and the voice sounded simultaneously. "You said a quarter of an hour more than twenty minutes ago."
"I am ready, Honor," Jane said with a smile. "Let us go and eat."
"Eat!" Honor said. "Who wants to eat? Oh, Jane.Templeton Hall for two whole weeks.And you betrothed to Mr.Sedgeworth. I could almost envy you if he were just a little more handsome.Though he is by no means unhandsome.He really does have a lovely face, I noticed last night when I had a good look at him.And a traveler.You are lucky, Jane. Just think of all the places you will see."
"Not if this war takes place," Jane said. "The situation sounds worse daily."
"Pooh," Honor said. "The Duke of Wellington will make short work of old Boney in no time, you will see. At least, that is what Henley says. And he should know. Oh, Jane. Two weeks with Lord Fairfax. Is he not quite the most handsome man you have ever seen?" She giggled. "He kissed me last night.Most improperly, too.He tried…But, no.I do not believe I could tell you without coloring up quite uncomfortably. I told him in no uncertain terms that he was taking advantage of me. But I do hope he takes advantage again soon, Jane. Not that I really liked being held quite so close. I did not feel that I was in command of the situation."
