First of all, let me just say…you are amazing. You give the best advice I’ve ever heard. Your piercing insights, undeniable intelligence, and incredible, penetrating honesty just amaze me. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to read our letters and share with us your invaluable guidance.
The purpose of my writing has to do with my living situation. Myself, my best friend, and our wives live together—and all that is good. Well, except for a wardrobe addiction—in my friend, not one of our wives. But that’s not really a biggie. No, the problem is within our larger community of families. See, we live in a compound, with the balance of my brothers and their wives living in the big house next to us. For the most part, people get along. I mean, nothing is perfect. Some people have quirks, but if you love them, you don’t care.
The problem is this guy who moved in with us—God, I can’t even remember a time when he wasn’t in the house as he makes things so frickin’ miserable. It literally feels as though he has never not been with us. You know those nightmares where you have to pee, but you can’t find a bathroom that works? You, like, walk around, trying to find a loo, forever, and it feels like it never ends? Well, front-load that experience with two six-packs of beer and some Lasix. You get the idea.
The thing is, no one really invited him to stay with us. I’m not even sure how it happened. Yeah, sure, he did this one gooddeed and brought a brother of ours back to us—and sure, he’s been kind of handy from time to time. But honestly? He makes it impossible for people not to want to hit him with a frying pan.
Let me give you a concrete example (because you are totally rational, and I know that you appreciate concise discourse). I like a cocktail before dinner after a hard night’s work. I like to do this in peace. And by peace, I mean, not having someone chattering in my ear about things that absolutely, positively do not matter. Like whenMurder She Wroteis going to be on next, and whether they will bother with those episodes during the time that Angela Lansbury went half-season and this other guy took over for the balance of the other episodes. As if I care about this? At any time of the day or night? But especially when I’m making a V&T? Like anyone cares.
Here’s another example. It’s after my last meal of the day. I’m relaxing. I’m with my wife and some friends. The last thing I want to do is listen to a debate on whether Emma Stone as a punk rock Cruella de Vil is an affront to the tradition of the material. First of all, Disney. If you are an adult, MOVE ON. Second, who the hell cares about whoever plays a cartoon character in a live-action anything? Third, WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME AT ALL? I don’t watch TV unless it’s sports and my Red Sox are playing, and the last thing I would EVER do is waste my discretionary time on anything that involves dog-napping. Please.
Finally, and this is the worst…this guy recently got a promotion at work. For some inexplicable reason, when our old boss retired, she decided to tap him as her successor. I mean, this was…crazy. He has tremendous power now—which he wields like a two-year-old. And the humble brag? It’s this guy’s calling card now. Oh, and he lords his new elevation over other people, too. It’s not just me.
I still do not know how he is the new boss.
Anyway, do you have any advice for handling this person? And no, unfortunately, there is no chance of him ever moving out. We also cannot get rid of him the good ol’ old-fashioned way, if you know what I mean.
Again, thank you for your time. I know your response is really going to make a difference.
With sincerest respect,
Victory Is Assured
Mary:…
Vishous:*pops brow* What?
Mary:You know what.
V:Oh…you’re upset that the letter writer didn’t focus on your contributions to this column. *puts hand on Mary’s knee* Listen, I know that we’re a mismatch in a lot of ways, but I like doing this with you—and I can’t believe I’m saying this.
Mary:And I can’t believe you’re pulling this nonsense. If you have a problem with Lass—
V:*holds up a hand* This is an anonymous platform. So, we never know who the letter writers are. Remember that hard time you gave me when I looked into that querent’s parents and their cruise-shipping? Respect the curtain of anonymity, true?
Mary:First of all, “cruise-shipping” is not a verb, and second of all, this column is for—
V:People struggling with all kinds of shit. We’ve been focusing on romantic crap, but I think we need to open this up to more general questions. And roommate struggles are not uncommon. Over 72% of roommates are dissatisfied with their living conditions.
Mary:You made that up.
V:Fine, over 100% of people who live with fallen angels are dissatisfied with their living conditions. *Mary stares at V* So, are we going to do this or not? Or are you saying you are not willing to help someone who honestly has a problem.
Mary:Okay, I’ll play your game—
V:This isn’t a game. And tell me what you think.
Mary:*grows pensive* I think the issue here is less about compatibility, and more about respect. The key to improving the situation in the house—in this writer’s house—is for the roommates to embrace change and understand that a larger plan is being served.
V:What does bad TV have to do with destiny? With anything?
Mary:Nothing at all. And that’s the point.
V:*mutters* Which, apparently, I’m missing.
Mary:What else is someone who has—well, so much power—going to talk about? You think he wants to dwell on the impossibles he has to deal with? The suffering? The pain? The things he can’t change and the things he’s hoping to affect? Put yourself in his shoes. You drink—in moderation now. What does he do? He watches TV. He talks about silly things. He jokes and he jibes and he keeps things light. Because otherwise, he has nobreak from his reality. I think you need to understand where he’s coming from, and when you do that, you’re going to find that you can tolerate the incompatibility.
V:No amount of understanding is going to help me with Disney.
