He took a step toward her and pulled her into his arms, but she backed up. “I’m sorry. Let’s stop,” he said. “I love you. There. I said it. I wanted to say it a month ago and was afraid. This is on me. I didn’t want to do it so early and scare you off. It’s hard for me to open up again. I worried you were putting on the brakes the past few weeks and realized I caused one of us to stop, not you.”
She stiffened, but didn’t move when he pulled her into his arms. She was having a hard time hearing anything else other than he loved her.
That he felt the same way about her she did him.
That they were both afraid to say it first.
What idiots they’d been!
“Can you back up and tell me you love me again first?”
He pushed her out of his arms a little so he could look into her eyes. “I love you. I’ve loved you for weeks. Over a month. I haven’t said it to another woman in years and with so much on the line, I think I was guarding myself.”
“The same,” she said, shaking her head over the foolishness. “I love you too. I complained you weren’t clear with words, but I should have been. I might have been if you’d responded to what I said before.”
“My fault. I get it. I’ll take full responsibility for it.”
“It’s no one’s fault. It’s a breakdown of communication more than anything else. We both should know better.”
“Knowing better and executing the proper words and actions aren’t always the same.”
“So we are learning. Let’s sit back down and talk. I think there are things we both need to say and never do. About our pasts and what we want in the future. If it’s too much too soon, then say it.”
“It’s not. It needs to be said. Not just in passing comments and assumptions.”
“It does. You asked me what your mother said to me and I never told you. But she said that she wanted us to singe each other. That was love. You need that heat in all levels. The key was not to scorch Becca in the process and that was her only concern.”
“I wish I knew she’d said that.”
“It wouldn’t have changed anything,” she said. “I hate to say this, but I feel as if you know more about my feelings and goals than I do yours. Jonathan did a number on my self-esteem, but you’ve restored it. I’m stronger around you. I’m bolder.”
He laughed. “You are. I love it.”
“You’ve said that before, but I didn’t know if it had more to do with sex or not.”
He closed one eye at her. “That’s a little where you’re blind, but it goes back to me not saying it. You have no reason to have anyone knock you down. Ever. Neither do I, but I do a good job of kicking myself in the ass.”
“Tell me about Rene and that situation. She had the perfect job of hiding what she was doing. Jonathan didn’t. That’s why I felt like a fool.”
He sighed. “I’ll say it once and then it doesn’t need to be said again. It doesn’t need to touch what we’ve got, but shouldn’t be a shadow cast on us either. She was picking guys up on her flights when she had layovers or was staying the night since she was on such long flights. Mark, that was his name. He was a frequent flyer with her. They didn’t even have to text anymore because they were on the same flights and made arrangements when they saw each other.”
“You had no reason to think she was texting other men or they were texting or calling her?”
“No. After we started to date, she was using a second phone for those things. Since she was out of reach so much, it never occurred to me if her phone was off. It was the perfect setup, like you said.”
“And now you look for that?” she asked.
“I haven’t in years,” he said. “But I haven’t been serious about anyone since Becca was born either.” He reached for her hand and threaded their fingers together. “You asked me before if I’d been in love. I have, but not like this. I knew right away this was different, but there was a part of me that worried I could be a rebound for you.”
Her head went back and forth. “No. It’s not that. What I feel when I’m with you is what I’ve always wanted in my life. Did I think I’d be married and have kids right now? Yep, I did. Do I want a child of my own? Of course I do. But maybe I won’t be able to get pregnant. We don’t know that.”
“It’s just like what you said before about parents loving a child that is adopted.”
“That’s right. I love Becca. I wish she were my daughter. Sometimes I feel that way and don’t want to leave her at night.”
He tucked her under his arm and squeezed. “I feel like that too. I wish I could have said it before.”
“We are saying it now. I have to know. What do you want in the future? As much as I love you and Becca, I won’t give myself to someone who doesn’t want the same things.”
