On the third day, I had my discharge paperwork filled out and ready to go. But when they handed me the phone to call for a ride, I froze. If I walked out, that was it. No coming back. No second shot. They don’t stop you from leaving, but they don’t make it easy either. Especially when you’re a fucking mess.
I stared at my contacts. Who the hell was I going to call? Alley? My mom? Matt?
They’d all be disappointed. And I knew if I called any of them, I’d lose everything.
Alley would be done for good.
Ripping up those forms and turning back around was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Detoxing is hell. But doing it like that? Without the comfort of your own bed? Without your wife by your side?
It was brutal.
When I got out, I came clean to my boss too. I told him everything. I even said if he needed to fire me for using on the clock, I’d understand.
I’m working the steps they teach you in AA: admitting your faults, being honest, making amends, and being ready to face the consequences. It’s all part of the process.
I know it’s hard for Alley. Hard to trust me. Hard to just flip the switch back on after spending the last year in hell.
I’ve hurt her. Plain and simple. It’s punishment enough just knowing that.
“Alley, honey, what kind of pizza do you want?” my mom asks her, like Alley can’t get her own slice.
Alley glances up, meeting my mom’s eyes for a split second. “Um… I’ll just have a pepperoni,” she says, gaze dropping.
I know she’s trying, but this thing between Alley and my mom is one of the hardest parts of being sober. I’m fully aware of the tension—the elephant in the room—and I’m the one who put it there. It’s heart wrenching.
For so long, Alley looked to my mom as her own. She was someone who filled the space her mother left behind.
My mom still loves her; I know she does. But Alley can’t seem to let it go. It’s awkward as hell for everyone. Kudos to Alley for even showing up today. She’s only seen my mom a handful of times since that night—almost a year ago.
What’s crazy to me is that she can forgive me after everything I’ve put her through. But when it comes to my mom? She’s just not ready, and I’m not going to push it. She’s been through enough.
Alley takes her pizza and sits on the couch—far from where my mom sits with her plate.
I glance around at my family. Alley’s on the couch beside Megan. My mom and dad sit at the table with the kids, Jeff, and Amber. Kevin and Matt are leaning against the bar. From the outside, it probably looks the same as it always has.
But it’s not. It’s different.We’redifferent, and it’s all because of me.
And I miss the way things used to be.
Megan’s laughtercarries across the patio, the sound of screaming kids and splashing echoing from the pool in the distance.
My hand rests on Alley’s smooth skin, her legs draped across my lap. We’re sitting in the same spot we were the night I brought her here for Matt’s birthday party. The night we first slept together.
We’ve sat here a hundred times since, and it always feels a little nostalgic. I remember how I couldn’t stop thinking about her. How I couldn’t wait to get her alone and tear her clothes off. The way I tried to hide how fucking hard I was while she sat next to me—then had to walk through a crowd of people back to my place, trying to act normal.
But tonight, it feels different. We’ve really been through some shit. We’ve earned this spot—sitting here, five years later. Still fighting like hell. Still in love. Still each other’s person.
“What do you think they’re talking about?” Alley asks, nodding toward Matt, Megan, and Kevin. They’re the last ones here. Everyoneelse has gone home, and Megan’s laughter is practically bouncing off the walls.
Matt and Kevin together after a few drinks? That’s a guaranteed comedy show.
“Oh, Matt’s definitely telling one of his sex stories.”
We watch them from across the room like hawks, trying to read lips from too far away. Alley leans forward, squinting like it might help her hear better.
“Her eyes rolled back into her head, and I swear to God she passed out when she came!” Matt yells, and both of us crack up.
Alley holds out her fists for bones, and I meet her halfway with mine.
