“Don’t turn this on me. I was looking for a condom, and I stumbled upon thisSilence of the Lambstype of serial killer stuff.”
“You know, Violet, if you’d just picked up the damn phone and asked where the condoms were, I would have been happy to tell you that I didn’t have any at the house. I don’t bring women to my home. This was going to be a first. That’s why I was late, because I stopped by the drugstore to grab a box on my way home, while you were ransacking my house like you work for the goddamn CIA.”
She stood up, grabbed the elf shoved in the latex, and shook it in front of my face. “It still wouldn’t have explained this!”
I stood, leaning over the desk as I yanked it from her hand. “Don’t shake Clementine like that. Harper’s attached.”
“I’m sure Harper doesn’t know you shove her dolls in balloons, nor do I think she’d be happy about it.”
“For fuck’s sake. It’s an Elf on a Shelf. I tried to make a snow globe out of a balloon on Christmas Eve. A mom in her class told me I could shove it in the balloon and then blow it up and I could put snow in there, and some other fancy shit. But I got the damn thing stuck in the balloon and couldn’t get it out. So I hid it in my nightstand, and I hadto have Will run to town and get me another elf to use on Christmas morning. I just forgot I shoved it in my drawer. Why the fuck did you think I’d stuck it in a condom?”
She sat back down in her chair as she processed my words, and I reached for the scissors on her desk and cut the end of the balloon, freeing Clementine from the latex. I held it in front of her. “This is our Elf on a Shelf. Her name is Clementine Claus Huxley. Harper has had her since she was three years old, and she’s obsessed with her. This thing has caused me more stress than the Wilsons’ nightmare renovation last year. I’ve sewed clothing for her, I’ve built props that could rival a Hollywood movie set, and apparently now she’s the reason I’m currently standing here instead of having sex with you.”
“Oh,” she whispered. “She’s cute.”
“‘She’s cute’? Are you fucking kidding me?”
“I mean, you have to understand why I would be concerned?” She threw her hands in the air.
“And this is why this is not a good idea. Look how quickly you jumped to the wrong conclusion. You didn’t even give me a chance to explain, you just decided I was, what—a doll serial killer?”
“Well, it sounds crazy when you say it like that.” She sighed. “I should have asked you, but I guess I freaked out.”
My phone vibrated, and I glanced down to see a text from Will that there was an issue at the hotel. “That’s an understatement. I’ve got to get back to work.”
“Wait. We’ve still got time.” She moved to her feet just as I stood.
“Listen. I’m calling this done. Five minutes ago, you thought I was a serial killer, and this has disaster written all over it.” I moved toward the door after shoving Clementine in my back pocket.
“Charlie,” she said, and I paused in the doorway and turned around. She just stared at me, her gaze searching mine. “I’m sorry for snooping.”
“Don’t beat yourself up, Firefly. Everything happens for a reason.”
“I’ve always hated that saying. I mean, it’s not true at all. Fires and natural disasters and murders, none of those happen for a reason. Butmaybe I wanted to find a reason to run out of there—I do have a habit of doing that. I tend to self-sabotage.”
It was the first time I’d ever seen a vulnerable side of Violet Beaumont, and it caught me off guard. “Hey, nothing wrong with self-preservation. I’ll see you later.”
But I wouldn’t see her tonight. She had a working oven. She wouldn’t need to come by the house to prepare her meals anymore.
“I, um, I wanted to run something by you.” She hurried to her feet and held up her phone. “I know I’m setting up the party in the morning, but I saw this cute idea on Pinterest to do the morning of a kid’s birthday, and I wanted to see if I could come by early and do it for Harper?”
The photo was of a bedroom covered in balloons with a note taped to the door with birthday wishes from the birthday fairy.
I wanted to tell her I had it covered. But I didn’t do this kind of shit. I’d been pretty decent with Clementine the elf, but that was as far as my creativity went.
“You don’t need to do that. But I’m not going to tell you that you can’t. She’d fucking love it.” I shrugged.
“That’s all I needed to hear,” she said. “I’ll be over tomorrow morning before the sun comes up. She needs to be asleep, and I’ll just come in the back door and work my magic, and slip right out.”
“Really? You don’t plan on bringing a forensics expert to swab our DNA?” I smirked.
“You aren’t going to let me live this one down, are you?”
“I don’t plan on it.” I knocked on the doorframe and walked out.
Me and my large set of blue balls had to get back to work.
Chapter Fifteen
