Kyran’s amused and kisses my neck as we pass the cows, descending toward the bright lights of the settlement. “That being said, you should never approach a beast you don’t recognize. Even a little bat could pose a threat, and you wouldn’t know.”
“Like the tooth moths.” I nod and sigh, remembering my near-death experience in the forest. “It seemed so interesting and friendly. I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt. Not everything that frightens you is actually a threat…” I arch back enough to give his jaw a kiss. Okay, so I may have a little crush on him. Sue me.
He drops the reins and wraps his arms around me, as if he had a sudden need to hold me close. “This worries me. My mother would tell me the same thing. And now she’s gone,” he says in a dull voice.
My heart sinks. “What happened to her?” I ask quietly, unsure if it’s even appropriate to ask. I heard she was killed by despairs, but without any details. I don’t really have many friends, and I learned to be guarded to survive so it’s unnerving to step into such painful territory with someone. It’s intimate in ways I never experienced.
Kyran cocks his head until his cheek rests on my shoulder, and he strokes my forearm, as if seeking my touch. I entwine our fingers, but my heart quickens to a nervous rhythm.
“First, I have to explain to you more about her. My mother felt beasts could be tamed. She was the one to bring the kelpies to court. When someone found a kelpie baby on the beach, she took him in. Kelpies can shape-shift, but it becomes harder as they grow, so she had a collar fashioned, to let him remain in elf form. That’s how Drustan became part of our household, and over time, he lured in more young kelpies from the sea. But I think my mother grew too bold.”
“What do you mean? Did she not have guards with her?” I ask, stroking Kyran’s hand with my thumb. Crab seems to know where he’s going without being urged with reins, so we’re free to just hug as we watch the world pass by.
“She was extremely capable at shadowcraft, and confident about it too. At some point, she started theorizing that there might be a different, more permanent way of dealing with Heartbreak. For some reason, she decided that it might be tamed. She wanted to start with the despairs but ended up attacked by a large group she couldn’t fend off. By the time she was found, there was nothing anyone could do to save her. I didn’t even get to be at the funeral. It was too big of a risk.”
My heart breaks for him, and I squeeze his hand. “I’m so sorry. You deserved so much better. How old were you when that happened?”
I feel Kyran’s chest expand, and he holds me more firmly, as if he’s worried the despairs could get me next. “I was ten. Nobody ever visited me in the shadowild after that.”
It’s like a stab inmychest, even though it’s him who went through years of entrapment, pulled out only for training as if he were some beast. I can’t imagine how that must have affected him, yet I’m also not surprised that his palace in the shadowild is so intricate, because he must have had more time to craft it than he knew what to do with.
I can’t take it. I pull my leg up over the saddle and sit sideways with my legs over his thigh so I can hug him. “Not even your father?” I ask. I want him to know he can talk to me about it. He seems so strong, so put-together, but I’m noticing the cracks now, and all I want to do is mold myself into them and be the soothing balm he needs.
Kyran’s quiet, and he plays with my fingers as Crab continues down the path. When he speaks, his voice sounds as if it’s coming out of a hollow log. “My father never spoke to me. He was always of the belief that a twin shouldn’t be left alive. He never said my name, only called methe Sunspawn. Mother was the one to set me up in the shadowild. And my brother? He enjoyed having me do all his dirty work. But he’d never thank me. He felt it wasIwho owed him my very existence. That I should be grateful he gave me the opportunity to leave the shadowild at all.”
I know what Kyran thinks about that by the way he clenches his jaw. I rest my cheek against his chest, and even the strange, rubbery feel of the leather can’t dissuade me. When we made our agreement, I had the hots for him and a lot of mixed feelings, but within just a week, we’ve become so… close. Maybe that’s bound to happen when two people with gaping holes in their hearts attract each other.
“I’m sorry you only had so much time with your mom. I read some of her notes on bats today, and she seemed to be a very passionate person.”
“‘Notes’?” Kyran’s head jerks up. “What notes?”
“In the library. She wrote several books about different creatures, but she never finished the one on bats, so Sabine let me look at her notes.” I clear my throat because it’s about to clench with sadness. “She wrote your name on the margin. She wanted to try taming one of the bats for you. So you wouldn’t be alone.Kyran. Not Kyranis. She must have loved you.”
A strange noise leaves Kyran’s throat, and he lowers his gaze, his hand tense in mine. “She should have taken me with her. I would have protected her from the despairs. I might have been ten, but… I was already excelling, and I could have—”
I rise to kiss him. The shadowy eels on his body are proof of what he can do, but I now see the vulnerable parts of him, and I’ll do anything to protect them. I have to remember that it hasn’t even been a month since his brother died, and all of a sudden he has to deal with the world in a whole new way. He’d never admit it, but I imagine he must be overwhelmed with the freedom and afraid it might be taken away at the snap of someone’s fingers.
“You were put in an impossible position as a child,” I say and stroke his cheek, fighting my own demons. Maybe I see a bit of him in me because of my own miserable upbringing. I wish someone could have been kind to me too.
“Do you really not mind?” Kyran asks. “My brother was an awful person. But also the real prince.”
I smile at him and give him another kiss. “I’ve heard quite a few things about him, and he sounds absolutely terrible, so no, I not only ‘don’t mind’prefermy dark prince. Let’s be honest,” I cup his cheek, trying to lighten the mood. “With a face like this, I would have probably fucked him, but I wouldn’t stick around for a rotten personality.”
Kyran stiffens and takes hold of my arm. “I wouldn’t have let you. He never liked men. Not really. You deserve better.”
I don’t know if he’s just worried about me, or jealous, but I kinda like it regardless.
“Is that why you waited seven years? Did you dissuade him from taking me? Or do you have laws on abductions needing to be age-appropriate?” I wink at him.
There’s miles of countryside around us and a dense forest to one side of the road, yet I feel so safe with him even the stupid cows can’t distract me. I need to know what he truly feels, yet I’m so afraid of ending up as a gullible dumbass who sold his soul to the devil.
Kyran laughs. “It’s risky to fish for souls, and he didn’t want to endanger his princely life, so after our father died, he told me to pick a human for him. Since we are identical, the bond would have worked for us both. But he wanted a girl, and I found a boy to spite him. I’m sorry,” he adds in a soft voice as the glow of the green lantern deepens the shadows on his features. “I think he didn’t want to deal with that for as long as possible, too busy finding new lovers and pleasures to indulge in. I think deep down he might have known I’d be the one making the bond, because he wouldn’t be the one fighting Heartbreak onceit came back. But he didn’t want me to have anyone. As if that could make me more real. If anyone knew he wasn’t half the shadow wielder he claimed to be, his world would have crumbled.”
I now hate Kyran’s brother even more. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You may have put me in a tough position, but I would have died without your help that night. I’m glad I never met him,” I say, meeting Kyran’s eyes so he understands how much I mean that.
He holds my gaze, then looks away, as if my declaration embarrasses him. “Sorry about unleashing all this on you. Nobody ever knew me the way you do, and I barely know anything about your life.”
A lump gets stuck in my throat, and I’m a deer in the headlights, because while I let him pour his heart out, encouraged him even, sharing any of my reality feels so painful I recoil on the inside.
