I frown, unable to help the spike of hurt in my chest, because out of all the people at court, I have always seen Tristan as more of a friendly figure. “Of course I’m not feral. I am a man like any other. With needs for things that I have been denied since birth!”
When golden eyes settle on me, as if Tristan is surprised a monster like me is capable of forming complete sentences, the dam of pride and dignity crumbles. I know this might be my only chance to speak my truth, so I let words flow. I tell him how I envied Kyranis having actual playmates when I was forced to watch or play with toys, how I missed out on everything from family celebrations to first kisses. How I had to grieve my mother in solitude. How I was forced to remain unseen and live vicariously through a brother who grew to enjoy knowing I always watched.
How Kyranis seduced a boy I liked, how he’d have me replace him when it came to activities he didn’t enjoy, and how I protected his life in secret, gathering countless eels on my skin. When I tell Tristan the specifics about a hunt I accompanied him on, because the real Kyranis was too hungover to participate, the golden eyes grow wide as dessert plates.
“All this time, I wasn’t alone in protecting him.” Tristan lets out the saddest chuckle, sliding his fingers into his hair. “And the duel with Swordmaster Fern from the capital. Was that you? He—you fought like I’ve never seen Kyranis fight before, and there was a crate of Nerunian wine at stake.”
I give him a bitter smile. “I wasn’t offered a single glass for that win. I was my brother’s servant, paid in chances to have my existence acknowledged and to feel moonlight on my skin. I missed out on so much,” I whisper, swallowing hard as Tristan meets my gaze. “He didn’t even bother to choose his own Dark Companion and sent me to pick one instead, since we’re twins and share the sameblood.”
Tristan’s frown deepens and he hunches his shoulders. “I… served your brother the best I could, but I also recognized he was a very flawed prince. It seems that he was more rotten than I ever could have imagined. I thought he would get serious after your father’s death, that he was just going through growing pains. I know all about the temptations of drinking and enjoying myself in beds that don’t belong to me, but he had only grown meaner in the past years. Mistreated servants, toyed with hearts, and boasted about his place on the throne, for which he didn’t seem to want to reach. When I got glimpses of him studying court documents, it felt like seeing a different person. Now I know why.”
“I always liked talking with you,” I say, relaxing when tension drains from Tristan’s body. “You are a good friend. Thank you for taking care of Luke. I… I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to him,” I admit, but while this is true, I hope that by making this point, I might ensure Tristan is even more protective of him.
“And I’m sorry about what happened to you, being kept in the shadowild… I don’t envy what you’ve been put through. But you must understand I need to know how he died. You heard the accusations. To think that I spent my life as his guard and I didn’t even know he perished? I’m struggling. Was he too sure of himself? He often dismissed me, giving me lots of free rein, but now I wonder if it’s because he secretly had you watching over him. So I have to ask. Did you entrap him?”
“No,” I say right away. “He went riding into the woods and found wolf pups in a den. He wanted to kill them, but the mother surprised him. She crushed his head in her jaws.”
All true, even though I leave out some details. What is done is done.
“I might actually recall that day. I offered to go with him, but he brushed me off. And so, you decided to take his place?” Tristan asks, but it sounds more like a statement. There’s nothing that suggests judgment in his voice, yet I still feel the need to defend my choice.
“I couldn’t help him anymore. So why not seize my chance at a life worth living? Why not catch up on everything I’ve missed and become the Lord he could never otherwise be?” I ask, clutching onto the loose front of my damaged shirt. “For seven years he didn’t bother with Luke. He never wanted the responsibility of a Lord, and we all knew Heartbreak was coming. I was ready to take it on. Not just for myself but for all of the Nocturne Court and the Nightmare Realm. And yes, maybe I also want the recognition after thirty-five years of being less than a shadow to my brother!”
Tristan watches me in silence, and a part of me regrets getting so heated, but it’s the truth, damn it.
“I see. It pains me that I wasn’t there to guard his life, but he made that choice. I made a vow to your bloodline, and I choose to trust you. In the last month, you’ve proven worthy of the crown. It’s not my place to deny it to you. I will do all I can to help you become Lord of the Nocturne Court. But once you ascend, I request to be let go from my duty.”
I’m struck by the formality of Tristan’s words and utter, “Did you rehearse this speech?”
He grabs a spoon and throws it at me with a chuckle. “You absolute ratbag!”
I deflect it before it can strike my chest and grin at him, oddly at ease. “I’m just surprised. You don’t usually talk like this. But why do you want to leave my side? Is it... me?” I ask, trying to not focus on the ache in my chest. “Or are you getting married to that milkmaid who pierced your nose and starting a farm of your own?”
Tristan sighs, resting his elbows on the table. I’m so glad to feel the atmosphere between us loosen. In the past month, I became entwined with Luke like a man and his shadow, but I’ve also befriended Tristan in a way I couldn’t have predicted. We’re so different. He’s easygoing where I’m tense, and he’s like a ray of moonlight where I thrive in darkness. Yet because of the bond with my brother, he treated me like an old friend, and that made me feel like a person, not just a tool for eviscerating enemies. I want to see him happy and help him pursue whatever he needs to.
“No, dumbass. But standing at the threshold of death shook me. I was never one to think much about the future, and I settled in well as the prince’s guard. When that poison flowed through my veins, it reminded me that elves are as mortal as humans. We might not age the same way, but we can still perish within a heartbeat, and our realm is crawling with beasts, plants, and elves competing to kill you. But while I was frightened and didn’t want to die, I also don’t want to live like Reiner, limited to the comforts of the palace grounds for the sake of safety above all. I want to see the Realm. I want to see thehumanrealm. Kyranis never wanted to go, soInever did. Now I want something formyself. I’m sure you understand that.”
I lean forward as my heart throbs. “I do. And if I become the Lord, your wish will be granted. You out of all people deserve the right to follow your heart. You’ve given me and my brotherenough.”
Tristan grabs a tiny red cookie from a silver bowl in the middle of the table and eyes it with a thoughtful expression. “Sabine and her husband are trawling through tomes of laws to fight for your right to take part in the trial. Let’s hope their years of fucking at the library help.”
I freeze with my mouth open. “Sabine? Fucking at the library?”
“Where do you think that baby was made?” Tristan asks, biting into the pastry with a wicked grin.
I shake my head, but as the meaning behind his earlier words sinks in, I feel that the floor under my feet is about to form a sinkhole. “It’s full moon tonight,” I whisper, meeting his gaze. “I’ll stand no chance if I don’t have a Dark Companion.”
“If you get to take part, they’ll surely take off your collar.”
I stand as frustration coils in my body, making it cramp. “It won’t matter if Luke and I aren’t married.”
“How so? It’s unlikely anyone else will have a Dark Companion so soon, so it will be anyone’s game. Though I have heard Princess Elodie set out to the River of Souls,” he adds with a twist of his lips.
I scowl, pacing in the middle of the room as I recall the horrified look crossing Luke’s features when he realized everyone knew what I am. I can’t stand it. Or the uncertainty of not being able to speak with him.
“Luke and I were to marry today. But why would he want me now? He must be so embarrassed. I spoiled everything for him, you, for everyone.”
Tristan wraps his thick arms on his chest. “Anatole outdid himself, have to give him that. At least you broke his leg? He won’t be healing from that so fast. But as for Luke… it’s hard to say. I didn’t have time to talk to him that much, but he was… crying.”
