“That’s debatable,” she retorted, and I let her have that because I owed her.
After a few seconds of silence, I said, “Pepper, I consider you a friend.So, no matter what else you got from that...that argument or whatever that was, please know that I really do think of you as a friend.Probably my only one at this point.”
From my peripheral, I could see Pepper turn to look at me.“And what if I want to be more than just friends?”
Jesus Christ.
“You’re direct, I’ll give you that,” I chuckled humorlessly.
“And you’re so used to having nothing that it doesn’t occur to you that you could have everything,” she replied seriously, and I couldn’t lie and say that her words didn’t sting a bit.
“Why are you making this complicated, Pepper?”I asked, finally turning to look at her.“What’s wrong with baby steps?Why does everything have to be this...this big boom with you?”
I watched her swallow her embarrassment at being judged, but she really was a lot stronger than what most people probably gave her credit for.“Because I only get to live this life once, Josiah,” she said.“Even if reincarnation is real, I only get to livethislife once, and I don’t want to live it scared.When I’m finally on my deathbed, I want to be lying there with memories full of happiness, regret, success, and failure.I want to feel excited at being alive, and if that makes me...too much for some people, then that’s just too damn bad.I’m not going to apologize for wanting to get the most out of life.”
“Pepper-”
“And that’s the difference between me and you, Josiah,” she went on, cutting me off.“You think that saving me that night was no big deal, but because I know that I’ll only be here once, you saving me gave me a lot more time with my daughter, my parents, my friends, and my shop.You added time to my life, and there are a lot of people that never get that chance.”
“You don’t know that,” I argued.“That man could have just been here to rob you and nothing more.”
“Because you think that I would have let him?”she fired back.“Do you think I’m the type of person that wouldn’t defend herself?”
I stared into her blue eyes, knowing the answer.“No, I don’t think you are.”
“Look, I wasn’t trying to make anything complicated by wanting to know more about you,” she said, and it sounded just so wrong when she said it like that.“And I apologize for overstepping.Despite how we met and that you work for me, your life really isn’t none of my business, and neither are your thoughts, feelings, or nightmares.”
“Pepper-”
She put her hand up to stop what I’d been about to say.“And despite that my feelings are out there, nothing about this is complicated, Josiah.I decided to let you know how I feel, you decided to return the favor, and now there’s nothing to do but deal with it like adults.”She stood up, and I could feel my heart getting lodged in my throat.“Now, I can’t force you to stay or still work for me, but I can assure you that I’m very capable of keeping things professional, regardless of my big boom personality.”Her expression was as serious as I’d ever seen it when she added, “I’ll see you at breakfast, and if I don’t, then at least have the decency to give me a formal resignation, so that I can give you your last check.”
I stood up, doing my best to keep my chaotic emotions in check.“You think that I’m going to quit now?”
“You’re the one who keeps pointing out that I don’t really know you, so I have no idea what you’re going to do,” she answered, her voice a clipped obligation.“All I’m asking is that you let me know if you’re leaving, so that everyone at the shop doesn’t start wondering if something bad happened to you.”
“Everyone but you?”I questioned, not being able to keep the irritation out of my voice.
“I’ll already know what happened to you, remember?”she replied evenly.
I didn’t like Pepper being upset with me, and that was probably all the proof that I needed to recognize that I was already in over my head with her.I was also man enough to admit that I was scared of taking the next step because she really didn’t know what she was getting into with me.If she’d seen me have an episode, then that’d be different.Going through something like that with me would give her a clear picture of what she’d be signing up for, which would make things so much fucking easier.However, right now, all she knew was the stable Josiah Austin, and he was just an illusion.
What she knew wasn’t real.
“I’ll see you at breakfast,” I told her, meaning it.
“We’ll see,” she replied quietly, and the doubt in her voice felt like a slug to the chest.Despite my claims to never let her down if I could, I was doing just that.
“Pepper, I’m sorry-”
“I don’t want you to be sorry, Josiah,” she said as she stepped towards the backdoor.“I just want you to show up to breakfast tomorrow and prove that you’re not the type of man to throw away all of your progress just because of some inconvenient feelings that will go away soon enough.”
Wow.
“Just like that?”I asked as she opened the door.
“Just like that,” she assured me before going into the house.
~
